Not sure if it truly is over yet? Need help!

[Bewsh]

Hey everyone, i've posted another thread 2 weeks back that goes into lengthy detail about the previous month I've just had. Feel free to read it if the following stuff doesn't make sense.

I'll just say a small amount of it here, basically been with my girlfriend for a year and 5 months. Everything was perfect, each week it was getting better and better, we were going out together places, she was putting a lot of effort in with me too, always missed me, she could never go two days without wanting to see me, and she could never go half a day without sending me a text. Then, I got ill for a month and EVERYTHING went downhill. The first 2 weeks i was ill, things seemed fine, I was getting depressed that i couldn't go out or see her (I was contagious) she was out with her friends a lot in clubs at nights etc, she said she always missed me and wished I was there. By the third week i felt so crappy and low that i became a bit moody, and was being quite blunt/off with her, after that i snapped out of it but she was being distant with me. this carried on for 2 weeks, on the next week she said she needed time to herself and we didn't talk for a couple of days. After that, we met up to talk things through, she told me she didn't feel like she loved me quite the same as before then gave me one final chance to show i can be better (stop moaning etc)

So, the next 2 weeks from then i took her out occasionally, things seemed to be looking up, they were a hell of a lot better than the previous weeks anyway. But by the second week it got the better of me. I asked to meet up with her because I needed to ask her something. We met up this monday just gone and i asked her "I need to know deep down do you still want this relationship?" She went quiet and said "I dont know" followed by "i do honestly think you are such a lovely boy and you're so caring and nice but i dont want to string you along" and i truly expected that so i showed no emotion. we spoke some more and i said "i've expected this the past month really, so now it's happened i sort of dont care for it anymore" and she instantly said "what you don't care for me anymore? Or you don't love me anymore..?" and she looked really upset. Then we spoke some more and I said "So I guess it's over then.." and she looked quite shocked and said "is that what you want?" I replied with "No, I'd rather be in the relationship, i still love you but I feel like i'm wasting my time"

When we said goodbye i said "so this is the final goodbye I guess" she gave me a big hug, quickly kissed me on the cheek then turned around really fast, I could tell she started crying. As soon as i turned around it hit me big time, walked home feeling weak, could barely breathe i was crying so much.

So ALL of that happened because of a few small petty disagreements we had over the space of about 2 weeks. Now, going back to right before I was ill, everything with us was SO fine and perfect, she was always looking at holidays for us to go on during this summer, she was even always telling me about how nice it would be if sometime in the future we had our own place to live together (definitely not now, we're too young) We are both 18 and virgins. Losing her virginity is a VERY big thing for her and she always told me she knew i was the one she wanted it to be with, but we both agreed that waiting until we had been each other longer, was better connected emotionally etc would be best. That's exactly what we did, we both knew we was ready and she got birth control pills. We were both very excited (she was more excited than I was to be honest..) She started taking them the DAY i got ill. So obviously nothing happened, then this following month and now we are split up...

Basically What i'm trying to say here is that look at how close we were up until I got ill. That fact that she started taking her birth control shows that she was feeling VERY strongly about me. Now, reading back on how it went after I got ill. A thing I should note is that previously in the relationship, if we ever had a rough patch, she would seem to back off quite a bit and try let it blow over, she even said to me once "yeah I thought i'd leave you to it then in a couple of days it would be fine again" AND, she hasn't got many friends either, so previously she was always depressed that she couldn't go to parties etc. Then the moment she had one to go to, she would get SO overwhelmed by it that she'd sort of push me aside without knowing it (confronted her about it and she said she didnt realise and that she's sorry, said she just gets so excited its all she thinks about) So this links in with her being 18 and now going out to clubs with her friends, it seemed that when she started going out she pushed me aside a bit.

I spoke to my mum about all of this, not letting my mum know how I felt about it so I could see if she felt the same way as I did without being biased because i'm her son. Low and behold she thought exactly the same as me. We both think that because she was out a lot, thats on her mind all the time, then she has me on the other hand who was being a bit moany and ill. We both think that judging by how she was right before i was ill, and how she has been the entire time in the relationship (her feelings have NEVER one week been strong then suddenly non existent, she's always loved me so much and it's increased massively throughout the relationship) that these feelings that she has now are just temporary. In a couple of weeks when college starts again she will probably realise that her feelings are infact still there. And if they really have truly changed permanently over such a small petty 2 weeks rough patch then it shows she's just immature really.

We broke up this monday and we haven't spoken since, I feel that I need to meet up with her next week sometime and discuss all of this and find out whether or not she has felt upset this past week etc. And if she has missed me and regretted things. To basically really put my cards on the table, tell her exactly what I think about it. She will either say no she feels this was the right thing and wants to be apart, or "I've felt the same, i've hated this past week i've missed you" or if they are temporary and they're still there she might just say "I dont know yet still" then in a few weeks time she will soon realise, but by then it will be too late

Sorry if none of this makes sense, I have SO much to talk about that I know i'm missing things out, rambling on a bit too.

Basically we think that she wasn't ready to break up yet, not truly. When I asked her about her feelings she even said to me "I wanted to wait a few more weeks to see if they would come back but I cant lie about how I feel at the moment considering you said it face to face"

Do you guys think I should wait 2 weeks before contacting her and arranging to meet up with her? I'm stuck between 1 week or 2 weeks. She has ALWAYS hated not being able to talk to me, this was the case all the way up until the third week of me being ill, then after that we didn't chat AS much.

But yeah any advice will be appreciated, and once again sorry for the confusing post haha. Just ask anything you're unsure about and i'll correct it all for you

Thanks

[searock]

The way you behaved during the break up gives the impression that you wanted the break up as much as she did. If you wanted to stay together, you should have fought for her. For example, she says "I'm not really sure what I want anymore" and you say "Why not? I want to be with you, I love you". You don't say that you "don't really care", that translates to "I don't care about our relationship", which is the last thing a confused partner needs to hear. I think you should call her and tell her that you want to get back together, that you are willing to try to fix things because you really care etc etc. After you tell her that, the ball's in her court.

[Bewsh]

The way you behaved during the break up gives the impression that you wanted the break up as much as she did. If you wanted to stay together, you should have fought for her. For example, she says "I'm not really sure what I want anymore" and you say "Why not? I want to be with you, I love you". You don't say that you "don't really care", that translates to "I don't care about our relationship", which is the last thing a confused partner needs to hear. I think you should call her and tell her that you want to get back together, that you are willing to try to fix things because you really care etc etc. After you tell her that, the ball's in her court.

Nonono, when I said that she said "what do you not love me anymore?" etc etc, and I assured her with "No I do love you, it's just that i've had this on my mind and expected it for atleast a month now, now that it's finally happened it hasn't come to a surprise" Also at one point she even said "And judging by how you are now it doesn't seem like you're really that bothered by it, you don't look upset or anything" then I replied with "I've been so upset every single day for the past month now, waking up in the middle of the night for hours just overthinking things, the sadness has gone now, I just knew this was coming now."

Told all that to my mum and she said "It seems to me like she feels as though you wasn't 100% interested in staying in the relationship or not, and that could have contributed to the way she's feeling now. And the things she was saying to you seem as though she was testing you, and she wanted to hear you fight for her but because you didn't it backfired on her and it ended." Which is a fair point and I can resonate with what she said, but at the same time being told i'm not loved the same way as i used to be, and being told that her feelings she used to feel still haven't come rushing back, at the time I was in shock and I didn't really know what to do. I'm not the sort of person to beg and say "We can work on it just stay with me" if she tells me she doesn't know how she feels and that her feelings aren't the same, i'll be the person who accepts how she feels and take no further action on it so to speak....

Your thoughts?

[searock]

I still think the impression you gave her is that you didn't care enough. She was clearly upset at your lack of emotion, it was like you knew it all along and you still didn't do anything to try to stop it. It's like you had been waiting resignedly for it to happen, without even attempting to put up a fight because it just wasn't worth it.

I think it comes down to a compatibility problem. You both want your partner to be the one to fight for the relationship, you aren't willing to do it yourselves. So in retrospect, it was probably for the best.

[toknow]

Bewsh, I'm sure there is much more to this story, so it's hard to be precise when vital info is missing (for example I want to know what exactly you told her when you were moody and how), but from what I heard it seems to me she doesn't quite care for the relationship or you. If she was telling you the truth, and not just saying that she didn't think she wants it anymore to see your reaction - cause that happens allot and is a big mistake to do that. Never say you don't care about a relationship if you do, because the end of the relationship might be based on this lie. It's better to not say anything than lie about something so important.

You played the game well, by not letting her know you are a mess if it ends, but this is not a game and if you have to keep someone by you only when you show you are strong and don't need them, then it's not real and eventually will fall apart. You will know that you have something special and worth keeping if they are by your side at your worst and weakest.

[Bewsh]

Bewsh, I'm sure there is much more to this story, so it's hard to be precise when vital info is missing (for example I want to know what exactly you told her when you were moody and how), but from what I heard it seems to me she doesn't quite care for the relationship or you. If she was telling you the truth, and not just saying that she didn't think she wants it anymore to see your reaction - cause that happens allot and is a big mistake to do that. Never say you don't care about a relationship if you do, because the end of the relationship might be based on this lie. It's better to not say anything than lie about something so important.

You played the game well, by not letting her know you are a mess if it ends, but this is not a game and if you have to keep someone by you only when you show you are strong and don't need them, then it's not real and eventually will fall apart. You will know that you have something special and worth keeping if they are by your side at your worst and weakest.

Sorry for the long reply, but you wanted to know exactly what was said, the following stuff is pretty much the best I can remember. If anyone else wants to read and give opinions then thats fine too. (Having said the following things, I do still think this is something that could have been easily worked on. It seems that nowadays people get stuck into the 'How I feel about you today, is how I feel about you' basically meaning not willing to just go through the rough patches and bailing too fast when it gets a bit different. Because everything we had before this was perfect, I know if this didn't happen we'd still both be in that perfectly happy place, do still think it could go back)

Right i'm gonna try to recall literally everything I said/did. The first 2 weeks of being ill we both had college work to do, I was getting on with the work, so was she but we still spoke like normal, said we missed eachother, loved eachother etc. The 3rd week was a college break, this was when my illness kicked in big time and I was sitting in the same seat at home all day everyday, this was also when she went out to clubs with her friends to celebrate having finished all her college work. I'll admit, I was VERY jealous that I couldn't go out with her/them (mutual friends) because I was in such a low way, I was getting the impression that she was sort of rubbing in my face a bit, she kept saying about how she was going to go out, how it would be fun etc, but this happened everyday and she mentioned it SO much. This got the better of me and this is really what triggered me being a bit moany (looking back I now realise she was just very excited) I started to make it seem like I was less interested in her going out, so where as before I'd say something like "Ah sounds like you'll have a great time! go enjoy yourself and celebrate " I ended up saying less and getting off the topic, so something along the lines of "That's cool [mention something else]" And i'll also admit to the fact that I wanted MORE of her attention to be on me, and because it wasn't and it was like 90% on her going out with her friends, that also made me feel worse and I ended up being off with her because of that. So for example, she'd be out at night, i'd send her a text saying "have fun, text me later letting me know you're home safely" then the next morning I'd be a little weird for an hour or so.

All I wanted was for her to come round for not even 20 minutes just to see how I was, but she has a family holiday booked and her doctor strongly advised her not to. So everytime I'd say something like "ahh wish I could see you quickly" sending that HOPING that she'd reply with "Want me to quickly come round?" she would reply with "yeah it sucks but it's out of our reach and just something we're gonna have to go through, but the time will go fast and we can phone eachother etc" then that would really frustrate me and i'd reply with something like "yeah I guess, gonna not use my phone for a couple of hours speak to you soon x" and I have no idea why I decided to say that, I mean I do, but I don't know why I didn't stop myself. I sent that because I wanted her to say "oh but I want to speak to you, keep using your phone " but it totally BACKFIRED on me and she'd reply with "Oh right.. okay then, text me when you want to use it again then" so her reply would then further frustrate me. (Also, I'd just like to quickly say now that everything I did here is NOTHING like how I usually am, i've never really been jealous like this, it's never made me feel this way, I do honestly 100% believe it was because how low I felt of being ill that caused me to react the way I did.) And so yeah, in about an hour or so I'd use it again, send her a text like "Okay i'm cool now, hey " and she'd reply with a normal "hey, how are you feeling now" sort of thing and it would be alright. Then I remember the next day she was saying about going out CONSTANTLY, just over and over like "ahh tonight's going to be amazing!" we'd talk about something else then she'd KEEP going back to "Woooo only a few more hours til I get to go out!!" and it was like she rubbing it in CONSTANTLY. Once again I wanted more of her attention on me, this is when I noticed it going downhill from here. I still regret doing this and wish I just stopped myself, but at the time I wanted to see her reaction. So i sent something like "Ah I might go for a no phone/no computer week, and just not chat to anyone, depending on how it goes I might do it for 2 weeks" (i'm such an idiot, would never even dream of saying that if I wasn't ill) I could tell she was quite shocked and she replied with "Honestly, why do you not want to speak to me? Like be honest i'd rather just know" from here it hit me I was being ridiculous but I continued to dig myself into a deeper hole. I explained I did want to chat to her, but thought a week would be good to clear my head sort of thing. She said alright do what you want (roughly).

It was from then that I realised she started being really distant with me. I snapped out of what I was doing and started being nicer etc. She would never tell me she loved me/missed me first, and she'd only say it if I did. We spoke on the phone one night and she hung up without saying "i love you" Which she used to ALWAYS ALWAYS say without fail. This hit me big time. From here it was like everything she did I was judging like a hawk. Way she said things through text etc i'd analyse and overthink it, this ended up making me EXTREMELY paranoid. Thinking she had lost interest in me etc. I confronted her about it and asked if she was still interested. I explained how she doesn't say i love you/miss you hardly anymore, and she re-assured me saying "Just because I don't say it, it doesn't mean that I dont, i've just been busy lately and that. i DO LOVE YOU, and I DO MISS YOU" And I also asked if she was maybe interested in another boy since she had been going out and she said "no of course there isn't, it's only you" (Which i then found out in the following weeks that me saying that really insulted her)

I spent the next couple of weeks being myself, being nice and caring towards her etc, but it seemed as though she was still distant and as if she didn't want to talk to me. One friday night I tweeted about how I was going to go to a club but I didn't specifically text her about it, but within 10 minutes of tweeting that, I had a friend phone me up crying telling me his nan had just passed. I chose not to go out and to help him on the phone instead. Therefore, the next day I didn't even think about that tweet, and certainly didn't think about saying to her "I didn't go to the club". She brought it up later that day sending me a text "So I take it you're not hungover from [club name]? " I wanted to see her reaction so I sent back "Haha, how did you know I went?" she replied "What's that supposed to mean then?" then she didn't reply to anything the following day. The next day i sent her a morning text, she said "I'm busy so will talk to you tomorrow" I replied with "Don't know what i've done but we need to sort this shit out" she phoned me an hour later saying "Honestly have a long hard think why i might be angry at you, you didn't even tell me about the club and then when I text you, it was as if you was trying to hide it from me? as if you didnt want me knowing you went?" I replied with "No, if i didnt want you to know I wouldn't have made a public tweet about it. My mate phoned me up telling me his nan died, I spoke to him instead of going, that's why I didnt bring it up" she then agreed that it was a misunderstanding but still didnt like how I sent "haha how did you know" Then she followed up by saying "To be honest what you said the other week about not using your phone really sounds like a good offer to me now. I feel that I need to just go a few days without contacting you and just have some time to myself and think things through" by then I knew it was over, she actually didn't contact me which was very unlikely of her. We met up that following week for the first time to talk everything through which is when she cried and said "I feel that after all of this i dont love you the same way as i did before. it will take a lot to go back but im giving you one last chance"

Then the next 2 weeks I took her out, things seemed much better but still wasn't right. Which was when it got the better of me and I asked her if she still wanted the relationship. Which was when she said "i dont know" etc etc then we broke up.

Thoughts?

[toknow]

Again like so many other cases. All people want to see that they are being loved. It's so simple, yet we fail to recognize it. By her not being there when you needed her most, it shows lack of love. If you love someone you want to be with them, you give them attention and not because you have to but because you automatically want to. If you love someone you will care about them, there is no other way around it. Does what you mentioned look like care? No.

I have more for you, hang in there...to be continued

[Bewsh]

Again like so many other cases. All people want to see that they are being loved. It's so simple, yet we fail to recognize it. By her not being there when you needed her most, it shows lack of love. If you love someone you want to be with them, you give them attention and not because you have to but because you automatically want to. If you love someone you will care about them, there is no other way around it. Does what you mentioned look like care? No.

I have more for you, hang in there...to be continued

Yeah I can definitely resonate with what you are saying. I've noticed this in the past with us as well. For example, we both had an EXTREMELY heavy load of college work to do at one point, I was doing ridiculous hours everyday, like 16+ hours everyday, she was doing the same, going to bed at about 2 or 3 in the morning, waking up at 7 and repeating the whole cycle again. We both wanted to see eachother but because we both knew how much work we had, we sort of just got on with it with the attitude of "Yeah it sucks but this needs to be done" but the moment one of us had a lot more free time and made plans, for example I finished one of my projects and could finally breathe for a few days. I took this opportunity to ask if she wanted to go out somewhere, she was still busy with work so she couldn't see me. Because I was free but wasn't getting attention from her it was sort of like a psychological thing and I could feel myself getting slightly distant, and after she kept saying she was busy I just stopped bothering and sulked really.

That wasn't just with me, she has done it to me before as well. She finished almost all her work and was able to go out places during the day, she'd ask me along but obviously I had to say no. At first she was a bit like "ohh that sucks, but yeah I understand hope it all goes well" then after a few more days she asked me out at the weekend and I still couldn't go out, I could tell it was bothering her, can't remember the reply I got but it was quite blunt. Then when we finally met up she was like "Work sucks! I really wanted to see you haha, I missed you. But you're here now so it's all good " Just one of those things I guess.

And okay sure, I await your other reply

[Bewsh]

Also something I forgot to add in, in my last reply. We had a time once when we were visiting galleries/museums each week. I REALLY wanted to go to a war museum with her and I asked her a week in advance and she said something along the lines of "Yeah i'd love to go with you " this made me happy and I was really excited about going with her. During the beginning of that week we spoke about times of going etc and I just wanted the weekend to hurry up so we could go. She ended up needing to do some last minute work that her teacher had dumped on her. She mentioned the amount of work she had and that it was stressing her out but I think she was quite reluctant to tell me she wouldn't be able to go to the museum. I think maybe because she knew I wouldn't be too happy about it. So during that week she was trying to get as much work done as possible, I sat down next to her in college 2 days before we were supposed to go and asked about the work, she replied with something along the lines of "Ergh i've still got so much it's so stressing" I obviously still wanted to go to the museum with her so I asked "So what time are we going to the museum on saturday then? " she replied with "museum? I'm gonna be working this weekend sorry" I thought it was quite strange that she didn't mention to me something like "Sorry but i have so much work I dont think im going to be able to make it" which i'm not going to lie, kind of pissed me off. So I just said alright then i'll leave you to it, then I got up and went home. I felt a bit moody towards her the next day but purely because I wanted to go with her so badly. Asked her that morning if she changed her mind but no she still hadn't.

So really in a way I was just sulking to put it bluntly. But then after the weekend and when I saw her I just forgot about it and I was okay with her again

[toknow]

Ok. Now it's starting to get more clear. In a lot of those cases she seems to get defensive. And that's not good, it shows she isn't seeing your love as well. I think what she sees is by you punishing her after she doesn't show her love for you it shows her your lack of love for her. Even though you do love her and that's why you are acting the way you are, to her it looks like you are forcing her to love you (care for you). Now if you are forcing her to love you, you don't love her and that's what she is seeing. That's why you should never respond with being mean to her - because forcing someone to do anything is not a definition of love. So, to sum it up you feel like she shows you less attention, you act on it by what she feels is punishing her, by punishing her she feels you are forcing her to show her care for you, by doing this it shows her lack of love. So, you both are showing each other lack of love here, that's why things are falling apart.

Here is what you need to do. Make it very clear that the reason you want to be with her and your response to her is because you love her so much. Make sure she doesn't feel she is forced to care/love you, because she is resisting being forced because, being forced shows no love. So, you need to show her some selflessness here and love by example. Do good things for her and show her love without expecting it in return and she will not feel forced. She as I said should know why you are acting out, that it's only because you want her love. As I mentioned in another post. Every time you have an argument with your loved one, they should know you are arguing because you care and love them and that you love them in that very moment you are arguing. Because what happens is a couple arguing face off instead of standing side by side ( this is how your brain perceives it - you might not be literally facing each other, but that's still how you will feel) . When you face off, you see your loved one as someone who is against you and if they are against you they could not love you, so you automatically see your loved one as something foreign to you, not of you. And this is the point where it all goes downhill from there. The more you love someone and the closer you get, the more you feel them as part of you. A part of you can not be in disagreement with you, so naturally when you argue it gives off a sense of separation even if that's not the case, that's where love needs to be shown to make it clear this isn't separation, but rather care for the relationship. That you are arguing because of your love and trying to preserve it, by trying to understand one another.

[searock]

OP, you need to work on your communication skills. You assume that she knows how you are feeling, when in reality you have been putting up grudges with no explanation at all. She didn't know you needed more of her attention when you were ill, because you never told her. You "tested her reactions" instead, basically you played mind games to see how she would react. This obviously put a lot of distance between you.

As for the club thing, honestly, you should have been a bit brighter. You had been having communication problems for such a long time, and you thought it wise to reply like that? I would have been pissed off too: first you get all bitchy for no reason and play mind games such as "I will not use my phone for a week", then as soon as things start getting better you say stupid things just to "see her reaction". That was very likely the straw that broke the camel's back.

It seems to me like you were very immature in the way you handled this relationship. Keep it as a lesson - you need to clearly express the way you are feeling in order to be understood.

You can start by calling her straight away and telling her that you still love her and you want to get back together and try to sort things out. Unfortunately though, I'm pretty sure this ship has sailed.

[Bewsh]

Ok. Now it's starting to get more clear. In a lot of those cases she seems to get defensive. And that's not good, it shows she isn't seeing your love as well. I think what she sees is by you punishing her after she doesn't show her love for you it shows her your lack of love for her. Even though you do love her and that's why you are acting the way you are, to her it looks like you are forcing her to love you (care for you). Now if you are forcing her to love you, you don't love her and that's what she is seeing. That's why you should never respond with being mean to her - because forcing someone to do anything is not a definition of love. So, to sum it up you feel like she shows you less attention, you act on it by what she feels is punishing her, by punishing her she feels you are forcing her to show her care for you, by doing this it shows her lack of love. So, you both are showing each other lack of love here, that's why things are falling apart.

Here is what you need to do. Make it very clear that the reason you want to be with her and your response to her is because you love her so much. Make sure she doesn't feel she is forced to care/love you, because she is resisting being forced because, being forced shows no love. So, you need to show her some selflessness here and love by example. Do good things for her and show her love without expecting it in return and she will not feel forced. She as I said should know why you are acting out, that it's only because you want her love. As I mentioned in another post. Every time you have an argument with your loved one, they should know you are arguing because you care and love them and that you love them in that very moment you are arguing. Because what happens is a couple arguing face off instead of standing side by side ( this is how your brain perceives it - you might not be literally facing each other, but that's still how you will feel) . When you face off, you see your loved one as someone who is against you and if they are against you they could not love you, so you automatically see your loved one as something foreign to you, not of you. And this is the point where it all goes downhill from there. The more you love someone and the closer you get, the more you feel them as part of you. A part of you can not be in disagreement with you, so naturally when you argue it gives off a sense of separation even if that's not the case, that's where love needs to be shown to make it clear this isn't separation, but rather care for the relationship. That you are arguing because of your love and trying to preserve it, by trying to understand one another.

That was a pretty deep reply and I appreciate it. Finding it quite hard to FULLY understand everything though, but from what I can tell you mean that when we argue we see them as more an enemy so to speak, someone that we would prefer to not be around, especially if the argument isn't exactly clear? But in reality, we are arguing because of our love of one another, and we want to keep them around/close to us?

And yeah I would definitely be willing to show her love without expecting anything back. I never usually do things and EXPECT something back from, I do things because I love her and want to show that to her. But I guess when I was ill that was possibly the first or so time that I wanted/felt that I NEEDED to get something back. Purely because I was home feeling alone and to have that comfort of her would have been nice..

We broke up this monday just gone, after and hour of breaking up, crying my eyes out I sent her some texts basically saying "This doesn't feel right, this isn't what I want" and another saying I was confused how this happened. She did NOT reply to any of the texts, and we still haven't spoken since. I personally think that the best thing for me to do now would be to stay NC until this monday coming, so 3 days. I don't want to try to meet her too soon where she feels trapped, and I don't want to leave it too long so she has enough of it. I feel that a week of absolutely NO contact with me would be quite a good opener for her perhaps? Considering how strong our love was a month ago, she couldn't go half a day without speaking to me, or even 2 days without seeing me. Perhaps this week knowing that I'm not here anymore will give a sort of 'Not realising what you had until it's gone' feeling?

I mean for all I know, this week she could have been really down and thinking "I've just lost him over such a stupid thing" and wanting me to text her, or her wanting to text me. Or, on the other side she could be completely happy and not have thought about me at all. But I personally think the latter will be a pretty low chance.

This monday coming I intend to start the first conversation and straight away arrange to meet up and talk things through further. From here I will bring up pretty much everything I've been saying on this thread as far as I can remember. Really don't know how it will go. I might pour my heart out and she could say "Sorry but i've made it clear how I feel and it's over now, sorry" But then again, atleast I will know 100% sure that it is FULLY over then I can just move on without looking back. Obviously the ideal response is that she's upset saying she's missed me so much and hates not having me there. Such a two way street thing, ergh. Confusing.

Thankyou for the reply, feel free to say anything else, i'll happily give more information if needed etc

[Bewsh]

OP, you need to work on your communication skills. You assume that she knows how you are feeling, when in reality you have been putting up grudges with no explanation at all. She didn't know you needed more of her attention when you were ill, because you never told her. You "tested her reactions" instead, basically you played mind games to see how she would react. This obviously put a lot of distance between you.

As for the club thing, honestly, you should have been a bit brighter. You had been having communication problems for such a long time, and you thought it wise to reply like that? I would have been pissed off too: first you get all bitchy for no reason and play mind games such as "I will not use my phone for a week", then as soon as things start getting better you say stupid things just to "see her reaction". That was very likely the straw that broke the camel's back.

It seems to me like you were very immature in the way you handled this relationship. Keep it as a lesson - you need to clearly express the way you are feeling in order to be understood.

You can start by calling her straight away and telling her that you still love her and you want to get back together and try to sort things out. Unfortunately though, I'm pretty sure this ship has sailed.

Yeah I will admit my communication skills towards her can sometimes be quite bad, though admittedly they have never been anything like what they were this past month. Also to be fair she did it to me at times too. She'd say something that was sort of linked to wanting me to go round her house, but she would say it in such a weird way that she doesn't even mention at all "Want to come round?" It would just be something along the lines of "So what you up to now?" I'd reply with whatever i'm doing, for example watching TV "Nothing much had a busy day, just chilling infront of the TV now " she'd reply with "Yeah same just sitting on the sofa on my own, parents are out, sisters busy/out" Then because I don't want to sound like i'm inviting myself round hers, i'd just respond with "Sounds like you're all chilled stick a film on" then i'd get a blunt sort of reply like "Yeah i'm gonna x" which I don't really know what to respond with, then later that day/the next day she will then tell me that she wanted me round and that she got moody when I didn't. But she NEVER simply said to me "I'm bored come round mine " It's never been a major thing with us, but it still is there sometimes, and I do feel we are as bad as eachother with it, something we could have both improved on.

And I wasn't immature or anything like this throughout the whole relationship. I've been quite mature in most cases, i've always been very supportive, always been there for her, helped her through months of HEAVY emotional problems she had, had tons of laughs with her, never properly argued, we've never shouted at eachother, never said horrible things to eachother. I mean yeah we had little disagreements here and there but that was it, and she's even said to me on SOOOO many different occasions, things like "I can't believe how different we are to other relationships around us" (referring to people our age we know) "All they do is sit indoors all day, get bored and argue constantly" "ours is so different to that, we actually go out every week, we never argue and we always have such a good time" the only time i've really been immature so to speak has been this past month. I mean maybe I have a LITTLE bit before, but nothing that's out of the ordinary, and she for sure knows that as well as I do.

I plan to meet up and discuss things face to face with her this monday coming. If we can't get over this then I personally do think it's for the best. I mean, this to me feels like such a small petty thing to break up over, and I can see it being SO easy to overcome within a couple of weeks. This is our FIRST down part of the relationship, if it ends after one thing then I personally think that's ridiculous. Considering how we are never like this usually, working through this would make it stronger and make us appreciate the good times more. (To be fair we've never had a bad time in our relationship that lasted more than 2-3 days, and that wasn't even major at all, was miniscule. Perhaps it's because it's the first slightly bigger bad time that it through us off guard so to speak. Didn't expect it maybe? Or just wasn't sure how to cope and thought it would be bad for the rest of the time. Quote I read yesterday "Relationships nowadays are too revolved around the 'How I feel about you today, is how I feel about you' mindset" which sounds SO true for us. One bad time and we think it's the complete end. It isn't, I know this can be worked on...

[toknow]

That's not always the case, but in your case you act out because you see lack of love, that's a noble reason because you want her love. So you argue because you love her and you are seeing something that might hurt your relationship, or are seeing something that might show it's ending. So naturally you are trying to preserve it and that's a good thing and worth arguing about. You shouldn't argue about petty things that show selfishness. An example of selfishness is putting yourself before the relationship. Your relationship with her should have priority over you to you. And same goes for her. If each one of you put the other one first, then it's a win win situation.

The concern at this point is you guys broke it off while she was still seeing you as the "enemy" so to speak, so if that's the feeling she remembers last it's a very bad situation. And if that's the case in her mind you are the bad guy, not the person she loves, but the one who's against her. This needs to be fixed in some way. She needs to see you are not the bad guy, you are not a stranger. If all else fails and you are out of options try humor. Be lighthearted and make the situation less dooming than it seems. Basically, make it seem like this break up was a joke. Not that you were joking with her when you were breaking up, because that shows carelessness, but that your break up is not what it seems and it's just a little bump on the road, that can be fixed easily and that you both are overreacting (which is actually the case). And of course well placed flirty jokes, and jokes about the break up could help. Make her know you are not the loser in this break up - don't say she is though. Once you diminish it, it will not look so real to her and so will your being the enemy. Show of high self esteem will help this as well. She should see that you are a great catch and you know it. But, be very careful how you do this it has to be done exactly right and only if you do not see any other option to save it. But, if done right I'm almost certain humor will do the job, because it will make it look like the break up is a figment of your and her imagination because when you inject humor into something it makes it seem less real. To give you a small example. If you tell her she is fat and she knows for a fact you are joking, she will not be offended - it's not real to her (again if she knows in her heart you are joking...lol) Now if you were to say that to her without her knowing you are joking it makes a 180 and you get the complete opposite reaction. This is the dynamic we are trying to make use of here, to get your relationship back, because it truly is silly what people break up for these days, but it's very frequent that a tiny misunderstanding will grow to epic proportions when left unresolved. And never put your ego before the relationship, because when you do, that you will lose it and the only thing you'll be left with is your ego. This goes for both people in a relationship. Selfishness has no place with love. You always end up with one or the other.

[searock]

I think that what happened is that while you were ill, things were ok until you started being moody instead of communicating effectively. When that started and lasted for a long time, she felt bad because of it. The fact that you couldn't see each other made it worse because it was basically like a long distance relationship, in which, notoriously, even the smallest misunderstandings can grow into huge arguments and upsettings because of the lack of effective communication.

The relationship wasn't something that gave her joy and stability anymore. Quite the opposite, it gave her stress and pain. She was happy with other aspects of her life, and sad when it came to her relationship with you. She associated the negative feelings with your relationship, and at the same time she realized that she was actually able to be happy even without you.

When you met again after the illness, that was her state of mind. Then the club misunderstanding happened, which was the final straw that guided her definitively in the direction of "he makes me feel bad, I am happier without him". When she voiced her doubts and confusion to you, instead of fighting for her and telling her that you wanted to work things out, you told her that you'd been expecting it all along for a long time (implying that you knew that something was wrong yet you still didn't do anything) - making her feel bad once again, and thus confirming her thoughts.

Clearly she now associates you with negative feelings and painful good memories (painful because they are now gone never to come back). I don't think she wants to talk with you. There was a time, there were many times actually for that, now it's just too late. She feels and rationally believes that she is happier without you.

But if I were you, I'd still give it a try, if you are still in love with her. Tell her everything you've told us. If it doesn't work out, at least you won't have to regret not giving it a try.