Wife sends me a text message about sex????

[Incognito]

Well I had just finished working out on Wednesday and I came out of the bedroom. I started talking to my wife about how I can't wait for consistent warm weather so that I can tan and do a full body shave. I ended my statement with "I'm gonna be sexy". Without addressing anything else I had said she immediately said "who are you trying to look sexy for?". I was not expecting that question. I wanted to jump down her throat and say "well obviously not you, since you don't give a rat's ass", but I contained myself and simply said "for myself". There was a little more conversation about it which went the same way.

On Thursday morning after I had only been at work for about 2 hours I get a text message. I wanted to post the whole thing here, but I accidentally erased it. Anyway the basic gist was her stating that she was aware that we hadn't had sex in two months, and that "it needs to change". She went further to say that I didn't need to respond to the message, that she was only "letting me know", and that "she didn't expect anything to change because I don't care".

Ok, well we last had sex in late December (somewhere around Christmas), so it has been longer than 2 months. Also, she didn't say that she missed sex, or that she wanted sex. She simply said that "it needs to change". Well no shit, Sherlock! That's what I've been saying for over 5 fu*king years! Also, why would you send a message and then say don't respond? Why would you start the message saying that there is a problem and then end it in an accusatory statement like "this is the last time I will bring this up, and I don't expect anything to change because you act like you don't care". *That statement isn't EXACT, but that was the gist of it*

I called her after about 20 minutes, and she didn't want to talk about it at first and she seemed a bit defensive. I kept my cool until she started with the tried "it's always my fault" talk (speaking of herself). No, I didn't totally 'lose it', but I didn't sugar coat my statements either. She said "so you expect for there to be no holding hands, kissing, hugging....and expect me to just jump in the bed every night?". Of course I said, "no" because that would be unfair to ask that of any woman (or man). I admitted that I don't do those things anymore and the reasons, which are as follows:

I lost almost all love for her over a period of three years and finally left her
Once we were back together I told her to get out three times before she actually changed her ways
After things began to normalize I tried to regain the lost love by hugging, kissing, and touching whenever I thought about it, but was rebuffed most of the time
I stopped touching her legs and ass because she blew up about it, she said I was objectifying her
I stopped hugging her because she always just stood there while I hugged her, and then she'd say "are we done?"
I stopped kissing her because of all of the above
We don't hold hands anymore because I don't want to. I don't feel that emotional connection anymore.

Her only defense was when she said "Well what do you expect if you do those things randomly after a long time? It is awkward." (she was specifically speaking of my efforts to try to rekindle our relationship by hugging, kissing, and touching whenever I thought about it). I said, "well you have to start somewhere, and you stifled my efforts". Then she fired back with the "oh, everything is my fault" bit again. I said "look I see that you don't want to have sex because I don't do all the things like holding hands, hugging ect, BUT....I don't do those things because we don't have sex." I suppose we're at an impass because I am not putting forth the effort again because I did it for years and was rewarded with emotional and verbal abuse. The man she married who liked to show his love for his wife all the time and was concerned with emotion is dead. She killed him. I honestly don't care nearly as much anymore, and I don't forsee that changing because every time I used to open up we'd start getting into fights again (presumably because she viewed my avoidance of conflict and total willingness to compromise as weakness and an opportunity to reassert her dominance). Since I don't care as much we seem to not fight as much, presumably because she knows that it won't phase me. Nowadays I simply end all arguments when they start and go do something that I want to do to occupy my time (most of the time).

It was equally frustrating that she claimed that I never try to address this issue when I have. I explained this and told her both instances that I brought it up, and the fact that she said "I'll change" or "I'll do better" each time (and then failed to do so). She criticized me for not bringing it up more often, saying that issues don't get solved by bring them up once or twice. So I told her that I wasn't going to "hound her for sex" if she didn't really want to do it. I also said that her failure to do any "changing" has prompted me to simply accept a sexless marriage because there isn't much else I can do. What I thought, but didn't say, was that if its a problem that she has to work on.....well she needs to work on it, without constant reminding from me.

[Incognito]

Sorry about the long post...

[QueenofCorona]

Have you two gone to counseling? Five years of being unhappy is way too long. I'm surprised you two are even still together. Obviously there are underlying issues that must be addressed. At this point it sounds like she cares but feels like she needs to use threats or hurting you as a way to get your attention which is wrong but for whatever reason she uses that as her defense mechanism to not let down her guard. Did some event happen that set all this off or did you two just drift apart over time?

[Incognito]

Please see [url]http://www.loveforum.net/ask-female-forum/39003-my-wife-has-no-sex-drive-what-can-i-do.html[/url]

But in short my not caring, indifference, and eventual leaving came as a result of her constant anger issues. She said she'd change, didn't, I threatened to kick her out three times, and then she started to change....the details are above and in the other thread.

[Gigabitch]

Do you think she wants to have a happy marriage?

[Incognito]

That's what she claims. I don't think I ever heard of anyone who was married and didn't want a happy marriage.

[Asip4u]

You've been unhappy for so long and she doesn't seem to be willing to work harder and fix her issues. Seeing what you wrote in your previous thread as well, i just don't see it happening and she will not change. Sorry bud, i think you should end things for good before you slowly suffocate.

[Gigabitch]

That's what she claims. I don't think I ever heard of anyone who was married and didn't want a happy marriage.

I've seen it up close and personal. My ex, for instance, thought that happiness was for saps and eighth graders, and that in real life, marriage wasn't happy and I was stupid for wanting it to be.

[Sonrisa]

Incognito, do you believe that women are more sensitive than men?

[Aeradalia]

You may never figure out all of her motives for being in a happiness-deprived relationship.. but you can certainly figure out your own.

Why have you wasted 5 years on this? Why are you still wasting time? It's been time to leave for years now... all you're doing is beating a dead horse.

[starbuck]

I don't really have much to add except that your whole story breaks my heart. I can't imagine my marriage ever being this loveless.

Giga brought up a a good point. What the hell does your wife even want out of your marriage? If someone asked me this question, you better believe sex with my husband and affection from him would be high up on the list. And not just getting, but giving as well.

[Incognito]

Incognito, do you believe that women are more sensitive than men?

Its funny that you say that......EXTREMELY! In short, yes, I believe that women are more sensitive than men (with the exception of women who are adversely by negative conditions while growing up or by traumatic emotional experiences later in life). I've commented to my best friend before that being married to her was like being married to a man. All the things that I tried so hard to change about myself (and succeeded for the most part I might add) to be a good husband BEFORE we got married she possessed and embraced within herself. I'd expect not wanting to discuss emotional issues from a man, I'd expect stubbornness from a man, I'd expect not changing a damned thing until being left from a man, but she's a woman. That particular reality was absolutely unexpected by me and it took me a long time to accept it and learn to cope with it.

[Sonrisa]

Its funny that you say that......EXTREMELY! In short, yes, I believe that women are more sensitive than men (with the exception of women who are adversely by negative conditions while growing up or by traumatic emotional experiences later in life). I've commented to my best friend before that being married to her was like being married to a man. All the things that I tried so hard to change about myself (and succeeded for the most part I might add) to be a good husband BEFORE we got married she possessed and embraced within herself. I'd expect not wanting to discuss emotional issues from a man, I'd expect stubbornness from a man, I'd expect not changing a damned thing until being left from a man, but she's a woman. That particular reality was absolutely unexpected by me and it took me a long time to accept it and learn to cope with it.

now we are getting somewhere.

your wife may act all tough, but inside she is still a little girl. if you don't acknowledge her and keep blaming for all that is wrong with your relationship, than you can listen to people above who told you to get out.

but....if you try and see what YOU are doing wrong. maybe there's a beautiful and sensual woman hiding inside who is afraid to get hurt by you.

[Incognito]

That's just it, I've known I wasn't perfect from day one. I tried SO hard to fix things before and after we got married. It is my personal belief that ANYTHING can be changed about one's self if you truly want to do so and you try. Anything. I told her this many times years ago and the only response I EVER got was "well I'm not you, I just can't change overnight". In reality she didn't change at all until after I left her. Even after that point she started going back to her old ways and I had to tell her to "get out" three times. She stopped getting overly angry, starting silly arguments all the time, staying mad for days (or weeks) on end, and returning my rings to me after arguements (yeah, that one hurt REAL bad the first time she did it. I never understood how someone could get THAT mad over non issues like how much water I gave her daughter at dinner). I WILL give her that credit, but the issue that never went away is the lack of sex and the lack of interest/desire on her part.

If there is a beautiful, sensual woman hiding in there she should have shown herself long ago. Had this been the first year of our marriage (which was absolute fu*king hell, I'll add) I would understand not wanting to be hurt. After five years though? No.

Have you ever played hide and seek when you were a child? I'm quite sure you have. Anyway, I'm sure you also played with someone who hid 'too well' at one time or another. It makes the game not fun, and pointless, especially when they refuse to come out. Eventually you probably got mad and stopped playing. Its the same here. I don't care to "help" her do something that I have brought to her attention multiple times, nor do I care to change one more thing about myself until I see changes in her. My will to do anything short of what I want to do for me has been hampered by her years of abuse. In short I'm not "playing" any more.

[Gigabitch]

Okay, so now there are two stubborn mules in this relationship.