Stop chasing what doesn't want you. Being willing to walk away.

[THX]

Once upon a time I believed love and relationships should come about in a way that was acceptable to me. I couldn't understand how I could be in love with someone, to the point where I was willing to do anything for thier happiness, and not have them jump at the oppertunity. Was there something wrong with me? The problem wasn't me (In the larger sense) it was my perception and expectations. However at the time I thought there was something wrong and I went into great depth trying to figure out what it was.

As I became more and more frustrated trying to find the truth a pattern slowly started making it's way past my defenses. Truth was, I couldn't handle the truth. I would find something and say, "That's too ugly to to be the truth, I'll keep on looking." As human beings if we sit with an unfortunate truth and live with it for a while we begin to adapt. We take our energy out of the ideal and invest it in reality, and find a way to make our lives as happy as possible with the new information.

While I believe relationships going sour is equally devistating to people who "get it", and people who don't, the people in reality move on more effectively because they know what is, and is not available to them as refuge. They are not looking for a fruitless journey off into the land of make believe to carry thier wounded heart.

One of the things I had to learn is it doesn't matter how much you love someone, or do for them if your not willing to walk away if your needs are not being met. If you are sold on that person no matter how they behave, they know they have you in the bag. They can take you or leave you as they please. You can not be lost to them. You are no challenge. The point is not to pretend you don't like someone when you actually do. That's playing games. The point is to realise your self worth and you deserve to have your needs met. That is to say, "I love/like you but you're not giving me what I deserve. Good bye."

Adopting the attitude of I'll walk away, is not a tactic. Sometimes the other person will be all to happy to let you be on your way. The point is you will be moving away from something that was a pleasant, (but ultimately destructive) distraction, towards finding a legitimate lasting happiness. However more often than not the other person will see that you are not needy, and feel compelled to step up to the challenge.

Most people want to earn what they get. Not just have it handed over to them.

"Never treat someone like a priority who is treating you like an option"

[basilandthyme]

One of the things I had to learn is it doesn't matter how much you love someone, or do for them if your not willing to walk away if your needs are not being met. If you are sold on that person no matter how they behave, they know they have you in the bag. They can take you or leave you as they please. You can not be lost to them. You are no challenge. The point is not to pretend you don't like someone when you actually do. That's playing games. The point is to realise your self worth and you deserve to have your needs met. That is to say, "I love/like you but you're not giving me what I deserve. Good bye."

Adopting the attitude of I'll walk away, is not a tactic. Sometimes the other person will be all to happy to let you be on your way. The point is you will be moving away from something that was a pleasant, (but ultimately destructive) distraction, towards finding a legitimate lasting happiness. However more often than not the other person will see that you are not needy, and feel compelled to step up to the challenge.

...Bravo...

[michelle23]

i think to sum up your whole post-your telling people not to be co-dependent doormats. great advice and i hope you take it yourself and always run with it no matter how much you love someone. love is not enough to keep a relationship strong and healthy. it takes a lot more than that.

unfortunately we will always have co-dependants in this world. its just the way it is but at least they can feed off each others misery and leave the best of us alone

[YoungCosmo]

Co-dependency is hot. At least, when seen from an Albert Camus absurdity, comic tragedy way.

[michelle23]

haha YC (gonna have to get used to calling you that) co-dependency is ugly and humiliating for the tragic damsel in distress or leech in disguise

[YoungCosmo]

How is it a leech if they're both dependent on each other? In fact, most guys especially have these egos where they like having people be dependent on them; gives them a boosted sense of importance. That's where generous donations come from, sometimes.

Now I meant if both were co-dependent on each other in a chaotic, stupid world filled with hilarious, grim and absurd happenings.

[michelle23]

im not sure if you really understand the term co-dependency. its normal one partner is walked all over by the other and stays in the hope it will get better.

and most men and women want a partner they can respect, who keeps them on their toes and doesnt take any crap. otherwise you lose respect for them and think they are a twat

[YoungCosmo]

Ohh...maybe I didn't have the proper definition then.

[YoungCosmo]

Ohhh..Thanks for the clarification, bro. You're so wise! Like the older brother I didn't have.

[vashti]

There is no proper definition for "co dependency". It's a bullshit condition invented by therapists to part dumb yanks from their dollars.

lol!

What used to be called "marriage" is now called "co-dependency".

[Hawkeye]

Well put THX

[toknow]

The point is not to pretend you don't like someone when you actually do. That's playing games. The point is to realise your self worth and you deserve to have your needs met.
"Never treat someone like a priority who is treating you like an option"

Very good point.

On another note, it makes me laugh every time someone regurgitates words they know nothing about like "co-dependency".

[TablesandChairs]

Any healthy relationship is a two way street. That said, it's important to identify whether you simply have too many needs. A relationship isn't supposed to save your life so if you go into one expecting your partner to miraculously make everything right, you'll be kept wanting. It's important to sort of expectations before hand; one of my ex's expected me to miraculously 'cure' him of his emotional issues...I couldn't reasonably do that, despite trying. He felt his needs were being unmet; I walked away because I was tired of feeling like I was being tested all the time. I started walking on egg-shells, changing my personality so that he didn't take offense to any jokes (he was hyper-sensitive), I'd agree to go out even if I was extremely tired because I knew he'd get bothered if i said 'no' etc.

[michelle23]

Ohh...maybe I didn't have the proper definition then.

No your also right. It can also be two people staying in a destructive relationship where they hurt each other all the time but neither of them will walk away. Theres lots of different examples but the best it probably doormats.