the ex problem

[carbon]

This relationship ended three years ago. When we broke up, we decided to remain friends but it hasn't really worked out well - basically we would have periods where we talk semi-regularly and periods where we don't talk at all. Up until last winter, I always held up hope that we would one day - albeit a miraculous day - get back together. However, since January I've pretty much made up my mind that I will only be friends with him (if at all..) So I thought things were going great, that I'm finally moving on..until he contacts me again asking why I don't talk to him anymore, making it sound like thats the way I want things to be...

WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM??!! It doesn't seem like he wants to get back together, so why does he keep wanting my friendship? What would cause a guy to keep wanting to befriend an ex? (I don't give him casual sex and he KNOWS it).

This is not the first time that I tried to cut contact with him. Everytime this happens he would initiate contact after a few months (even up to 6 months one time) and every time I would reciprocate. This pattern has been going on for YEARS. It is RIDICULOUS and I am fed up. I don't want this. If we cannot have a proper relationship, I don't want this half-assed, jerked up friendship, where everytime we see eachother there is sexual tension and we wind up getting physical (to the extent of oral sex only). IT F*CKING sucks shit. It's not possible to have a friendship with someone I am so attracted to physically. Of course, it's not just physical. The mental connection is GREAT, but I feel if that's all there was, I would be able to handle a freindship, since I won't want to jump his bones everytime I see him. And yet, I still really WISH we could have a normal friendship.

In my heart of hearts, I wish we could have another try, but I don't understand why I even WANT a relationship after he has hurt me so much. I don't know...this may be pathological.

[Gigabitch]

Ugh. He sounds like a Goddamned vampire.

Do you have anything to lose by telling him to piss right off? I think you need to draw a much thicker line, here. This guy broke your heart, I know he did. Does he need to check back every few months and make sure it's still broken?

Threaten to drive a wooden stake into his heart. Either it will make him GO AWAY or it will turn him on so much that he tries to get you back.

And that's when the real fun begins.

[speaktoafriend]

Ugh. He sounds like a Goddamned vampire.

Do you have anything to lose by telling him to piss right off? I think you need to draw a much thicker line, here. This guy broke your heart, I know he did. Does he need to check back every few months and make sure it's still broken?

Threaten to drive a wooden stake into his heart. Either it will make him GO AWAY or it will turn him on so much that he tries to get you back.

And that's when the real fun begins.

I agree make it really clear either all or none. This sounds like its working in his favor when he's in the mood for sex a couple of phone calls and your knocking at his door. I would say end all contact with him or get your heart broken over and over again.

[vashti]

I don't think it is possible to be freinds when one person is hopig for more. I think you should consider cutting it off with him. Giga is right - he will bleed you dry emotionally.

[carbon]

Ugh. He sounds like a Goddamned vampire.

Do you have anything to lose by telling him to piss right off? I think you need to draw a much thicker line, here. This guy broke your heart, I know he did. Does he need to check back every few months and make sure it's still broken?

Threaten to drive a wooden stake into his heart. Either it will make him GO AWAY or it will turn him on so much that he tries to get you back.

And that's when the real fun begins.

Giga, you are soo correct that he BROKE MY HEART. And yes, he's like a f*cking vampire, only that he doesn't suck my blood dry but leaves some so that I can recover, only for him to come back to feed off me again. Ugh, I can't believe I just wrote something so morbid, but that's exactly how I felt in the past...not so much anymore becuase I've become numb with time.. When I think about him in this way, then I think enough is enough, I don't need this jerkass in my life.

But when I think about the times when he has been there for me as a friend, how he understands me in ways that few people do, that REAL CONNECTION that we have, then I think I really want to find a way to be REAL FRIENDS.

However, given all the above, I've come to a point where I'm just TIRED OF THIS CRAP. It really is ridiculous. IT is obvious that we don't have a real friendship and it is obvious we can never have a purely platonic friendship...at least not on my part, not in the near future. It has to be either/or, none of this in-between bullsh*t.

So I want to tell him either we find a way to work through our problems and progress towards a REAL RELATIONSHIP or we stop talking all together. Do you think this will work? Sometimes I feel like he's not even worth an ultimatum, that I should just drop him all together, but then again I don't want to live in regret, thinking what if I had had a heart-to-heart talk with him. Sometimes, I wish I could just RIP his heart up, sometimes. God, this is such a love-hate relationship.

[carbon]

I agree make it really clear either all or none. This sounds like its working in his favor when he's in the mood for sex a couple of phone calls and your knocking at his door. I would say end all contact with him or get your heart broken over and over again.

You're right, it has to be either or.

I never go to his place. He is the one who asks to come see me (not that it matters anyway).

At this point, I'm just tired of this in-the-middle-of-nowhere crap with him.

[Gigabitch]

It sounds wrenching. I don't believe that once you have fallen in love with someone you can truly ever be just friends. There will always be that potential of getting back together.

I think ou should give him the ultimatum. Just be ready for the hard answer. The one that hurts.

[carbon]

I don't think it is possible to be freinds when one person is hopig for more. I think you should consider cutting it off with him. Giga is right - he will bleed you dry emotionally.

The problem is I'm not the only one who wants more. HE DOES TOO. He just doesn't know how to be in a relationship. He doesn't know how to treat me the way I need to be treated.

The way he put it when we last talked directly about the subject is that it seems to him we're always stuck in a place where we care more than just friends but not not exactly lovers, and that we don't know how to take it to either end. I think he's right.

[Gigabitch]

The problem is I'm not the only one who wants more. HE DOES TOO. He just doesn't know how to be in a relationship. He doesn't know how to treat me the way I need to be treated.

The way he put it when we last talked directly about the subject is that it seems to him we're always stuck in a place where we care more than just friends but not not exactly lovers, and that we don't know how to take it to either end. I think he's right.

Ugh. I keep telling my boyfriend he should sart a school. Your problem guy could be the first student.

[Charlie Boy]

Carbon I've been your boyfriend a couple of times before and the truth is: if he really did love you he would know how to be in a relationship. Intellectually he probably thinks your a great person, he knows he's attracted to you etc but deep down he doesn't feel it. Otherwise he wouldn't be acting like he is. He's not going to feel it anymore the longer you wait around either.

[carbon]

I think ou should give him the ultimatum. Just be ready for the hard answer. The one that hurts.

I was just thinking about which would hurt more: never talking to him again or being in a relationship in which neither of us is fulfilled becuase he is so utterly incompetent when relating to people he truly cares for. In all honesty, I don't know.

Truth be told, I would be FINE and go on with my life if I never talk to him again, but if we try to build a relationship, I am certain there will be a lot of frustration, if not pain. (One wonders why I still think I want this relationship.... I often wonder myself..). I know he has changed since we were together 3 years ago, but I still fear he would act the way he has in the past.

[carbon]

if he really did love you he would know how to be in a relationship...deep down he doesn't feel it. Otherwise he wouldn't be acting like he is.

Charlie Boy, I see what you're saying. This makes A LOT of sense. Thanks for putting it in perspective for me.

He's not going to feel it anymore the longer you wait around either.

I'm not waiting around. I've dated people, but things just didn't work out becuase I wasn't attracted enough to them.

[clynn]

Bah, it just might be the case that this guy might always have a bit of an effect on you.............but at some point you'll meet someone that will treat you right AND knock your socks AND who you have a connection with.

And then this turkey won't hold anything over you anymore.

He's a putz!!

[carbon]

clynn, you're absolutely right. i do realize this myself. but i just hate to wonder what if we had both tried harder? of course i could also just stop talking to him now and reconnect years in the future, but i am not one to go back on my word. once i've put someone out of my life, they will never be able to re-enter.

[clynn]

You've tried, he hasn't.