do i give up now?

[lovexkaly]

for the last few months i've been talking to an ex boyfriend. we dated 7 years ago, and met our sophomore year in college. we're both 27. we ended our relationship back then because he was clingy and moving much further than i was ready for. we dated for a year, never had a nasty breakup, but never kept in touch until recently.

originally i was only interested in being his friend. he has since graduated, found a great job, and relocated out of state. i'm now in grad school, which has really hindered things between us because i have 6 months left.

our conversations heated up quickly. there is a great deal of passion between us, and up until this week we had agreed we wanted to do whatever it took to have a relationship. he had offered to fly back and forth on weekends to see me, since he is financially able to do so and i am not.

i've kinda weaved in and out of this for the last few weeks. i couldn't make up my mind if it was the right time for me to pursue a LD relationship, but eventually i came back around. but because i had changed my mind before he had a hard time believing i was ready.

on friday he told me that he knew he couldn't live without me. that i had been what he had been hoping to come back to for the last 6 years. he said it took him 2.5 years to recover from our breakup, but it had always been his dream to have me back in his life. he poured his heart to me for 3 hours, hardly letting me get a word in, and i felt happy and 100% sure about us for the first time.

i don't know what happened, but over the weekend everything changed. we usually text back and forth all day, but saturday and sunday i barely heard from him. it was very shocking.

he texted me sunday morning (yesterday) that he wished he could have woken up next to me, and he would do anything to be laying beside my side. i didn't hear from him again until 12 hours later. the next thing he said ripped my heart out. he said he couldn't lie to me anymore, and that what he needed was someone there where he was. he needed a friend, a companion, or just someone there. but because i'm in school i can't be that person he needs.

im devastated. he also mentioned he was scared i'd change my mind again. he had been getting to know another girl and wanted to pursue her instead, even though he had mentioned a few times he didn't see her as the type of person he could be with long term and that he was basically unimpressed with her.

i asked him why he was settling for a stranger, for less, when he knew the person i was and he knew the potential we had. he said the bottom line was that i'm not there and right now he really just needs that.

i live in denver and he lives in houston.

i feel like my heart has literally been ripped out of my chest and stomped on. he won't even speak with me or explain anything. the last time we had a phone conversation he told me he loved me and that he sent me his keys to his home because he wanted to make it ours. he wanted us to finally build the life together he had always wanted.

now i'm questioning if he ever really meant those things. but i know he did. i know he had to love me. i never asked him to say anything or feel anyway about me. he took it upon himself to be that person. now i feel crushed and left hanging. i want to move past this, but my heart tells me not to give up. that this is a fluke and he will soon regret this and come crawling back.

but now i'm not sure if i can trust him with my heart. especially when he was so quick to find someone else.

i'm not sure what kind of advice im asking for, but i just need to hear what someone else thinks of all this. how do you forget someone you're madly in love with? how do you just say goodbye to all the dreams you had? i can't do it.

[heart_broken]

Hey lovexkaly, interesting relationship you had going there, but I really believe that if he was really had love you, he wouldnt worry about stupid liabilites like where you two are living and like you said you only had six months left before you graduated if this man is not willing to wait 6 months for the person he loves he's not worth it. You deserve someone better, someone who can always be there to support "you," you shouldnt be the one who always need to make the adjustments. And i know its really hard to say goodbye to all the good memories and times you had with him, but you got to ask yourself, if he really loved me, would he wait for me one more year? And well as said by you he wasnt willing to wait. So even though its hard i think you should try to let him go

[lovexkaly]

i know... everything you said is right. i need to move on. i don't have a choice. i can't force someone to be with me. one day he's my world, then next day he's gone. i hate my life so much right now. =(

[kms]

He sounds really obsessive... and controlling. It's all about his needs and his desires - not yours. Seriously, why can't he wait 6 months? How selfish. The mere fact that he apparently fell for another girl so quickly (while you were his so called 'dream') is testament to the fact that he might have been in love with the idea of you, an image he created in his mind after you broke up the first time, pining away for you... then when he started getting reacquainted with the real you, he realized that you have needs, goals, desires too - that you are a separate, distinct entity from him. His idealized dream of you began to crumble.

The other girl could also just be a manipulative trick to get you to beg him to come back to you, to give in completely, quit school, and immediately move in with him. If that is the case, you should most definitely walk away from that situation. If he can't respect your practical desires now (like graduating!), he most definitely won't respect your needs and desires later.

[starbuck]

He sounds pretty flaky by telling you one thing and then doing another. Maybe you should feel glad that you dodged a bullet.

What if you had moved all the way to Texas for him and he pulled this kind of thing?

[lovexkaly]

obsessive and controlling? hmm. he was that way when we were first together. one of the reasons i left him was because he would get upset when i hung out with my friends. he told me he wasn't that way anymore and that did seem to be true. but a few weeks ago i had mentioned that i had a guy friend in houston i wanted to visit while i visited him and that really seemed to bother him.

i don't think he's using this girl as a manipulative trick, i think he might genuinely be interested in her. the reason i feel that is because the night he ended it with me (sunday night) he did it through a text. it angered me that he couldn't even call. when i asked him to call me so we could talk about it, he told me he was on a date with her, and that we were over.

something in me snapped. i lost it. i couldn't just let him go, and i couldn't just go to bed without knowing what i did wrong and why he was doing this to me. i went online, yellowpages, and found her cell phone number and called it. she answered and sure enough they were at a restaurant having dinner. she passed him the phone and he left to his car to talk to me. we talked for an hour. he told me that he had already turned his back on this girl once, when i told him i was ready for a relationhips only to change my mind the next day. and that since she was giving him another chance he wouldn't do that to her again.

he told me they were officially dating now. that there was nothing i could do about it except let go. i tried to plead with him but he explained that he needed a companion there.

i've never done anything like that before. it was like an act of rage, fear, anger, sadness, desperation, i dunno. he was kind when he spoke to me, but still ended things at the end of the call. i haven't talked to him since.


he told me several times that he liked that i was continuing school and he was excited i was graduating soon. he always said he didn't want to interfere with that part of my life. so i dunno...

he always told me it was important for him to be with someone who had goals and was driven in life. she's 31, divorced, and works in fast food. i only know this because it's what he said and what he said he didn't like about her.

sometimes, when i sit and think about what's really going on, i feel like this is all just a dream, a really bad nightmare. i can't believe this has happened. =(

[heart_broken]

sis, why on earth would you be hating yourself, you know if its gotten all the way down to that point this may sound a bit rude but that guy is totally faggot. He doesnt deserve someone like you, who is willing to give up so much of her time for him. You deserve so much better.

HOPE I can be there for you some how. Stay strong <3

[valhensing]

if he has moved on. You move on too. There isnt anything else left to do.

It's called self-esteem.

[lovexkaly]

i thought i was getting better, but when i was at school today i hit rock bottom. that's the problem with going to a university, couples everywhere!!! ugh!

i texted my friend and told her i was going through withdrawls and really wanted to talk to him. she told me to text him, but not to call. i texted this: "i feel like you hate me, and i don't know why. can we please talk? i just need to know what happened so i can move on with my life."

several hours later he replied, "i don't hate you. i'm sorry i wasn't patient enough. don't forget the good memories we have. goodnight."

i haven't written back and i won't. i don't know what to say to that. i feel like i should fuq off or something. but it's soo hard for me to let go. i mean, the whole time i was sitting in class, all i could think about was how 1 week ago, i was sitting in the same chair at the same time, and was secretly texting him. he was texting me about how much he missed me and couldn't wait to see me for new years. now nothing. like he never existed! like i never existed!

i'm sorry, but something in my heart tells me not to give up. even though i realize now that he's not the good guy i once knew. i just want to know when he changed his mind, why, and when did he start talking to that other girl again.

i really just need answers. that would help so much! -sigh-

[starbuck]

Sounds to me like he's known this girl for longer than he's let on, and he wasn't being genuine you with in the first place. But here's the thing, trying to figure out the reasons, just keeps you hanging onto all these negative feelings and has you doing irrational things (like calling his girlfriend). You don't have to go crazy over this. You can bow out gracefully.

No more calling him or texting, no more calling his new girlfriend (that crosses the line into creepy). In fact, take both their numbers out of your phone right now.

Go on with your life and put this behind you. You're been blindsided so give yourself some time to personally grieve the dashed hopes and then MOVE ON. Do you have any supportive friends you can lean on (ones that won't tell you to text the guy?)

[lovexkaly]

i only called her that once, just to ask if i could speak with him, because i knew he was there and i had to talk to him. i would NEVER call her again. i'm actually a little surprised i did it the first time, but it was an act out of sheer desperation.

i know what you're saying. not knowing the answers DOES make me continue to feel like shit and it has been driving me crazy. believe me when i say this, i really do want to get it together, but it's all i can think about. i agonize over it constantly. i try to keep my mind off it, but that only lasts for so long until i'm back where i started.

most of my friends knew him when we were together and most of them we disappointed when they found out we were speaking again. they still remember how possessive he was and how unhappy it made me. but i also know, that's because they only ever saw the bad. when it comes to my relationships, i tend to be somewhat private, until it falls through and i don't know what to do. so they only ever got the bad side of anything. and believe me, there were soooo many good things.

the friends that do know what's going on have all kinda said the same thing. "he's just playing mind games. this is his way of stringing you along. he's going to realize what he gave up and come crawling back eventually." i guess i've kinda been holding onto that hope.

i do need to move on. there is no guarantee he'll ever come back. and now, i'm not sure i'd take him back even if he did. i know it seems like it, but i'm really not so certain.

[erbnman35]

I wont say move on, i'd say just be true to yourself, I mean if he does call you or text just be pleasant with him, only do this if it doesn't hurt your heart, otherwise ignore it until you feel at peace inside, show no flirtation for now, because if he's with someone else then flirtation is allowing him to have the best of both worlds. Not good!

If your in College I say join events they may have going on, get out there, find a sport, get the endorphins working to balance the chemicals out in the head, brings the happiness back to yourself through your own doing, then you'll get that excited mind people get when in love....... But, there is nobody else right?? So thos feelings from the excited mind are your doing, which can only mean one thing...... Your loving yourself again ;-) Happy days.

[lovexkaly]

i don't know how to be true to myself right now. =(

this whole thing is such a mess. in my heart i love him and i don't want to give up. i never EVER want to give up. but i know that i'm doing a disservice to myself. i know that i'm a good person and i don't deserve to be treated like this, especially from him, when i have been nothing but kind, loving and honest with him.

being true to myself....

that can mean either two things, i follow what my heart wants or i be the strong intelligent woman who loves herself first and wouldn't want a guy who could treat her so carelessly.

i haven't decided which one it is yet, but everyday i'm leaning closer to the 2nd. he's not coming back. and right now, i hate him so much for all of this. i want him to come crawling back just so i can tell him how much he hurt me and how i'm beginning to realize that i deserve someone who wouldn't treat me this way. everyday i breakdown more and more, but i also feel stronger and more confident i'll get through tomorrow.

i've been trying to stay busy. this is my finals week so i have LOTS of work to do and i've been in studio atleast 12 hours each day. these next couple weeks are going to be difficult because i won't have school to keep my mind off things. i have 9 relatives flying in from overseas for the holidays as well. hopefully they'll help me get my mind off things since there won't be much happening on campus.

i think you're right. i need to stop letting him know i'm still a mess without him. i haven't texted him since wednesday. and that was the one time i texted since sunday. one of my friends emailed him without me knowing, and he forwarded me his email respone to her. some of the things he said really hurt. and i was mad at her for butting in. but i know she was just trying to be a friend.

i think i need to make up my mind today. on if i'm going to let this control me or if i'm going to move on. because either i can try to be happy again, or i can continue being miserable over something i can't change. it's time i make a decision.

[erbnman35]

To me if one has any ill feeling towards someone then it could be considered something else and not love, what I mean is, when we want something we can't have, or even miss because there is an empty space then attachment can kick in, that is, if what your feeling is not love, then when they put a foot wrong or say something you don't want to hear aversion kicks in, again this is not love.

No matter what someone does to you, yes there should be hurt, but you should forgive and forget if your feelings are from the heart, NO MATTER what, even if your dreams are shattered, this feeling should remain and that's a warm heart........But if attachment and aversion are part of your feelings then you really need to re-think what your after.

I guess we all need to be happy for each other, something I'm learning, like a Universal Love, yeah it hurts to lose someone, but to keep your head on you need to let them go knowing you tried telling them how much you cared and loved them. Any ill feelings for a partner is actually a waste of thought, whereas being happy for them no matter what the circumstances makes you the good person.