I've Lost All Meaning

[ChristianonLI]

I'm not here to post some more ranting, psychotic bullsh*t that's going to get flamed. But I am here to say I'm still miserable and lonely. Nothing has any meaning to me anymore. Each and every day, as I imagine my ex living her life happy to be without me, I am sickened down to my core and overcome with grief. Every new day presents me with less reason than the one before to continue going on and I am finding myself increasingly hard pressed to find excuses for not killing myself.

This is absolutely not fair. I love this woman with all my heart and she should still be here with me. She should not have given up on our very brief marriage so easily and gone running home to mommy. She should never have harbored the idea that our marriage was a mistake in any way or that I wasn't the greatest man on this planet to her. It just should not have happened. The simple fact that she was in love with me means it was right and it should have lasted forever.

I don't know what to do. My life is empty and I am never going to find someone else to give it meaning. This woman once loved me and wanted to have my children. That was supposed to last forever. She promised me it would last forever. Therefore she should have held true to her promise and never lost her feelings for me in the space of 4-6 weeks. There is no logical reason why she should now be allowed to be happy while I am overcome with absolute sadness and misery contemplating the end of my life. No reason at all. I deserved to be happy, so why was it taken away from me? What did I do to be punished in this way? I never hurt anyone in this world.

[Sonrisa]

Chris, you need to stop believing in love. Thanks to Indi for the following recommendation:

Limerence refers to an involuntary cognitive and emotional state of intense romantic desire for another person. Limerence can often be what is meant when one expresses having intense feelings of attachment and preoccupations with the love object. Limerence is characterized by intrusive thinking and pronounced sensitivity to external events that reflect the disposition of the limerent object towards the individual. It can be experienced as intense joy or as extreme despair, depending on whether the feelings are reciprocated. Limerence can be longer-lived than transient forms of romantic feelings such as infatuation and puppy love, enduring for months, years and even a lifetime.


Intrusive thinking:
During the height of limerence, thoughts of the limerent object (or person) are both persistent, involuntary and intrusive. Limerence is first and foremost a condition of cognitive obsession. All events, associations, stimuli, and experiences return thoughts to the limerent object with unnerving consistency.
The constant thoughts about the limerent object define all other experiences. If a certain thought has no previous connection with the limerent object, immediately one is made. Limerent fantasy is unsatisfactory unless rooted in reality.

Fear of rejection:
Along with the emphasis on positive qualities perceived in the limerent object, and preoccupation with the hope for return of feelings, there is a fear that limerence will be met by the very opposite of reciprocation: rejection. Considerable self-doubt and uncertainty is experienced and it causes pain, but also enhances desire to a certain extent.
However in most cases, this is what helps to eventually destroy the limerence if a suitably long period of time has passed without reciprocation. Typically, limerence lasts about 3 years, but, as previously mentioned, can last decades or even a lifetime.

Hope:
Limerence develops and is sustained when there is a certain balance of hope and uncertainty. The base for limerent hope is not in objective reality but reality as it is perceived. The inclination is to sift through nuances of speech and subtleties of behavior for evidence of limerent hope. "Little things" are noticed and endlessly analyzed for meaning.
The belief that the limerent object does not and will not reciprocate can only come about with great difficulty. Limerence can be carried quite far before acknowledgment of rejection is genuine, especially if it has not been addressed openly by the object of limerence.

Physical effects:
The physiological correlations of limerence are heart palpitations, trembling, pallor, flushing, pupil dilation and general weakness. Awkwardness, stuttering, shyness, confusion predominate at the behavioral level, dizziness, Syncope (Fainting/Passing out), Illness (Sickness, dizziness, headaches, etc.)
There is apprehension, nervousness, and anxiety due to terrible worry that any action may bring about disaster. Many of the commonly associated physiological reactions are the result of the limerent fear. Some people however may find that these effects come most strongly either immediately at or some time after contact with the object of limerence, and this is accompanied with an acute feeling of ecstasy or despair, depending on the turn of events beforehand.

Sexuality:
Awareness of physical attraction plays a key role in the development of limerence, but is not enough to satisfy the limerent desire, and is almost never the main focus—instead, the limerent focuses on what could be defined as the "beneficial attributes".
A person, to become the limerent object, must be a potential sex partner. Limerence can be intensified after a sexual relationship has begun, and with more intense limerence there is greater desire for sexual contact. However, while sexual surrender once indicated the end of uncertainty in the limerent object, in modern times this is not necessarily the case.
Sexual fantasies are distinct from limerent ones. Limerent fantasy is rooted in reality and is intrusive rather than voluntary. Sexual fantasies are under more or less voluntary control and may also involve strangers, imaginary individuals, and situations that could not take place.
People can become aroused by the thought of sexual partners, acts, and situations that are not truly desired, whereas every detail of the limerent fantasy is passionately desired actually to take place. Limerence sometimes increases sexual interest in other partners when the limerent object is unreceptive or unavailable, such as when married people find sex with their spouses more pleasurable when they become limerent over someone else.

[Gigabitch]

Christian, don't worry about getting flamed. Post here every day if it helps. You're heartbroken. Nobody expects you to make sense.

[ChristianonLI]

Giga, I'm a man. I'm supposed to be stronger than this. I'm 31 and I got dumped for the very first time. By my WIFE after 3 months, no less. How is that even possible? I often wonder if I were Hitler or some other genocidal maniac in a past life as being such a horrible threat to humanity could only logically be followed by such a disastrous and all-encompassing feeling as I have right now.

[VincenzoG91]

Christian, it's okay to feel badly about this situation, as long as you eventually allow yourself to feel better. She wasn't the right woman for you. You seem like a sensitive and intelligent guy, and if she understood you at all, she would have known that her rejection would hurt you badly. She could have tried to make it work, but she didn't, and that is ultimately her loss. And your gain, believe it or not. Take time to grieve, then take time to get better, and you will eventually be ready to meet the right woman when the time comes.

[ChristianonLI]

Oh, she did understand me. And near as I can tell, she's enjoyed seeing me degrade into a sniveling, pathetic shell of a man. During one particular conversation early on into the separation she even said, in reference to her leaving, "now you're paying the consequences." So it's almost like she left me out of spite to punish me.

[cmacattack1]

I would just tell you to suck it up and do things for you and whatever but I feel the exact same way. I was excited about dating new people but I turned a girl that liked me off with my awkwardness and maybe it was even desperation? Its a shitty feeling. Another girl I work with was single for a couple weeks and I gave her some time before I asked her out but she is already back together with him. I would have been too awkward anyway.

It's a lonely and miserable existence despite my promise and direction.

You finished toking that blunt? Pass that.

Another rough patch to push through.

[Mish]

"now you're paying the consequences." So it's almost like she left me out of spite to punish me.

In that case it's a good thing she left. Imagine if she stayed with that attitude? How much more pain would she be inflicting on you.

[Gigabitch]

Giga, I'm a man. I'm supposed to be stronger than this. I'm 31 and I got dumped for the very first time.

Most people go through this kind of thing in high school. You have no experience with this. Cut yourself some slack.

[Sonrisa]

Ughm, maybe its time for some self-realization? It's time to quit feeling sorry for yourself.

[ChristianonLI]

To reply to Mishanya, I feel that if I had just not screwed up or made any mistakes she never would have turned on me like that. Everything was perfect until I tripped up and didn't handle the issue in the way that I should have.

To Sonrisa, feeling sorry for myself is really all I know how to do anymore. I do not possess the ability to meet women so finding this one who went all the way with me was a one in a million chance that is now gone. I do not foresee me being granted another such chance anytime soon in my life. Or ever.

To everyone else, I'm just completely lost. My life is absolutely pointless now. I can just barely keep up the facade of caring about my job and I'm only doing that because of the fact this job has promise to pay more in the next few months and years that follow. But really, I just don't care about anything at all anymore and if I were to die tomorrow it would be welcomed. The woman I love, who once loved me, is gone. She no longer feels anything for me and is happy living her life without me. She goes so far as to believe in her heart that I never loved her and that her marriage to me was a mistake. She believes she can do better than me. What reason could I possibly have to live now?

[cmacattack1]

To "settle" for what ever else you can find. There is somebody out there you can love again. Beats being alone eh? Time to settle?

That of course won't work if you aren't happy with yourself. And you aren't happy with yourself because you aren't married to her anymore. Vicious cycle.

Some things you only get one shot at. How often does something go right the very first time you do it? When two different people and two different sets of feelings and personalities are involved, it's not a very likely scenario. Hence why many marriages end in divorce. You know from experience and you are ready to succeed the next time right?

I'm facing the realization that my ex was probably the best thing to happen to me and I probably won't do better. It's not the right attitude to have. Winners focus on the prizes of what happens when you win. While I know that I had my chance with her and ****ed up, there isn't anything that can be done now. If you think you feel bad now, imagine how you would feel if you were the one that ruined your marriage? You did everything in your power (with some minor discrepancies) to have a marriage with her didn't you? You didn't mistreat her while you were dating did you? That is a horrible burden I carry with me everyday and it's not making my dating life any easier or my self esteem any higher.

You aren't a bad person and you do have a purpose here on this planet. It's not to be with somebody else, it's to make your mark. Your impact.

[ChristianonLI]

I feel like the only impact I'm here to make is a front page-making and evening news-worthy act of vengeance upon my ex for leaving me. But I don't want to be "that guy". It's just not me. All I know is she was supposed to stay. She was supposed to be happy. And now I'm totally lost.

A friend of mine told me a few months ago about an ex of his. This crazy girl with a kid who gave him Hell for the entirety of their relationship. Eventually he cut all ties and went about with his life. But every now and then she'll email him, telling him how he was the best she ever had and she would do anything to have him back. He never replies to these because he knows if he did the frequency of the emails would intensify. She's even married with more kids now and still sends him these emails. Is it my destiny to be this way with MY ex? To forever wish I were still with her, knowing she was the best I would ever get even when I settle on a downgrade just for sake of not being alone? To email her with futility knowing she'll never reply as she's living her life and is happy to be without me?

It cuts so deep to know she's happy to be without me. It is just wrong on numerous levels that she did this and within me there is this burning desire to punish her for it. Even though it's wrong and supposedly she's allowed to have free will to hurt me, I still love her and I would do ANYTHING to get her back. If it means waiting a decade then I'll wait so long as I know at the end she'll be there to come back to me where she belongs.

I cannot bear to be without her. I need her back, people. She is the only one I've ever wanted. Please, someone tell me what I can do to re-open her heart to me.

[IndiReloaded]

Hey, a good friend once told me (about breakups):

The first one is the hardest, but the best for learning this important life less: you will survive.

Once you KNOW you can survive, b/c you've 'been there, done that', then it makes the next time(s) easier. Not easy, but easier b/c you know what its like to hurt, feel better, and love again.

You will be okay, Lion. We've all been there. Post here if it helps, we're pulling for you.

[cmacattack1]

Nice nickname! Lion!

You're buddies story should just reinforce the fact that what you were doing before to win her back was wrong and further pissing her off. Don't be like your buddies ex and just constantly and pathetically grasp at the scraps. Does your buddy respect that? No. Why would your ex wife? Respect and admiration are what you need and you know this.