I can't get over the fact he is still talking to her! :(

[oneandonly]

It may sound like I am the most insecure person in the world but it's not that I am being insecure. I just feel that my bf has been very disrespecful to me.

He met this girl in a club about 2 years ago. She actually approached him first then asked for his number. She texted him later. They then started talking with subseqeunt texts, phone calls, IM, facebook and occasional meet ups in a club/gigs..

Before I and my bf started our relationship, he used to tell me how much he liked this girl. He used to say he wouldn't mind just being there for her and waiting for her to break up with her bf just to be with him! - he liked her that much! It was all too painful to me to listen as I've had feelings for him.

Time has passed. We got together. There was a time I got very upset over this girl, knowing how much he liked her and how much it hurt me... That was a while ago when I found that he was still talking to her. But then, I thought she is in the past now.

We've been living together 8 months. Been in a relationship about 17 months but have known each other over 2 years.

Just last week, someone started talking to him via IM and he would usually tell me who's talking to him but not that day. I said 'Who's that?'. He just said 'Stop being paranoid'. hmm it got me intrigued and I just looked over his shoulder (to his awareness) to find that it was that girl.

I was upset but didn't say a thing then. He carried on chatting, saying nothing to me, and spent 20~30 minutes talking to her. Then, he acted like nothing happened.

Noticing that I am not the usual myself over the next 5 days or so, he keeps telling me that he doesn't understand why he's being punished for 'I haven't done anything wrong. She is just a friend. Why can't I talk to my friend?'.

By now, I got to know that apparently he's been talking to her once for every 2 or 3 weeks. All this time.

I am fine with him going to clubs/gigs, meeting his friends (female or male) and doing his own things with or without me. I don't have any issue with any other his female friends.

But when it comes to this girl, as far as I know, she is not just one of those friends. She was someone he said he liked A LOT. The fact that he is still talking to her without caring much how I would feel seems to me that he's being very much disrepectful to me.

There is no reason not to trust my bf but that's not an issue. She just brings the bad and sad memory back. I wish I could be cool about this girl but I know no matter how hard I try, I can't.

I don't know what to do really....

[UKj1970]

I'm no expert - hence me posting for advice on here also! but I would say, his behaviour is unacceptable. He needs to either commit to you or, if wants this girl, be man enough to tell you and go for it. I think you're right to be upset and I'm sorry you're in that position.

[vashti]

I'd be mad, too. this wasn't just a friend, but a girl he wanted. He cares more about keeping in touch with her than he does about hurting you. What are you going to do about it?

[oneandonly]

Well, I said to him to find a place of his soon and move out.

Whatever he does out of sight is not my business. At least, it won't bother me as much as it does now.

If he is not ready to commit, that's fine. I'd rather be happy alone than be sad with someone who is not being respectful to me.

As he's been telling me I am being dramatic, I wanted to hear what others would potentially think...

Thank you for the replies.

[Gigabitch]

You shouldn't be living with someone this uncommitted. He's not exhibiting "serious boyfriend" behavior, so you should take that as a cue.

This doesn't make you some kind of jealous, paranoid freak. This is a HIM problem. You shouldn't let him manipulate you like this- he's making it look like this is you being the asshole rather than him.

Just take a few steps back and realize that this isn't Mr. Right. if he were, he'd be treating you like Miss Right, and he isn't.

[oneandonly]

My bf's response,

'You make it out to sound worst than it actually is. If I had something to hide then I wouldnt be so open to you about the frequency in which I talk to her. (and it's not that often)
Yeah I used to fancy her quite a while ago and I have told you since then endless times that I dont feel for her the same way and we are just friends. If you cant accept that then it's your problem. I'm not going to change because I am not doing anything wrong. I was once the jealous partner in a relationship and it turned out to be the undoing of it. I vowed not to be that person again because it just made me look insecure. Perhaps I was but I definitely learnt from that mistake.'

Okay, I was gonna spare time posting his response cos it made me realise that he couldn't care less about how I was feeling, which was enough for me to know.

As a couple, small or big, his 'problem' was always mine in my mind. I always happily try to help him, working out things/issues as a couple. After all, I care about him so care about how he feels...

In his response, he bluntly pointed out that it's 'my' problem. He never seems to get that I am not being jealous or insecure. I never think he will go off with anyone or be unfaithful to me. That's not an issue.

Would I be doing the same to him if I were him? Definitely not. Knowing how unhappy he was cos of my aquintance with some guy (before and during our relationship), I would happily walk out from that person. Not a big deal. After all, my bf's happiness is more important to me than someone I met in a club and had a crush on briefly. IMing with him for 20~30 mintues while my bf is obviously upset about that would be the last thing I do. Cos I care about how he feels and have respect for him.

[ecojeanne]

his response just annoyed me. he's a prick