In love with my friend's boyfriend. please help :(

[hellokittyx]

i've got a really big problem. and this is basically that i'm in love with my friend's boyfriend. but it's a really ****ed up and complicated situation.

i've known him a lot longer than she has...and basically, me and him have some history - i.e. we slept together a couple of times, and he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend, but then we had a huge argument and we were both hurt and blah blah, and then we didn't speak for a few months. and in those few months, he managed to "meet" my friend on the internet...and they both fell in love and now they're a couple. but the thing is, she lives in a different country and they've never met -> they're meeting in july when she comes to england permanently. they've been involved for nearly a year now.

she's cheated on him 4 times and he was devastated.

however, towards the start of their relationship, he started talking to me again. and i've gotta confess i never stopped liking him, and then we ended up meeting and having sex once. and we agreed it was a one off. but there were way more one offs. and basically, me and him have a lot of "one-off" sex (at least once a week) - and he said he still had feelings for me when it first started happening. and in this time, i've fallen madly in love with him. my friend has no idea what's going on.

i know it's horrible and i'm a really bad person for doing it, but i'm just so in love with him. i'd give up everyone and anything if it meant i could be with him. that's bad i know, but it's just how strongly i feel. and somehow it doesn't feel as bad because she's in a different country.

now, 9 months down the line or so, we're still having sex. but the other night he got drunk and told me that he loved my friend more than anything and with all his heart. but that he needed me and that if he ever lost me he'd break and wouldn't know what to do with his life. but he also said he could never see himself loving me...and ugh, the whole time i've been sleeping with him behind her back and being there i've always thought that if they broke up , he'd be with me. but he said he couldn't love me, no matter how much he liked me. and now i just feel horrible for doing this to my friend when it's just a doomed situation, and i feel a bit used and...i'm so desperate and confused. i don't know what his feelings are and i don't know why he'd do that to me.

i don't know what to do. i'm at a loss. i've asked my mum, and my best friend and they can't help me. i need some help....i love him so much, and i'm not sure whether i should stay in this situation or just end it. i don't really want to end it, i love him too much for that. this whole thing has caused me a hell of a lot of anxiety - i even contemplated suicide a few times. i don't know what on earth to do. someone PLEASE HELP.

[Gigabitch]

You have to do the difficult thing and walk away from this situation. Walk. Away.

[NBT]

Well first off, NEVER let suicide creep into your mind again ok? Ever.

Secondly, you seem to be in a very fragile state right now. So I will leave all sarcasm OUT of this post and give you some "straight up" advice.

Before you start reading though, I need you to pretend this situation DOESN'T INVOLVE YOU you for a second ok? Take your love and feelings out of it, just long enough to read:

i don't know what his feelings are and i don't know why he'd do that to me.

Yes, you do know his feelings. He told you he loves your friend, and could never love you. That's as clear as he can make it.

Now, you may be thinking "But he was drunk, so it may not be true."

Unfortunately, the TRUTH is that him being drunk was probably the only way you'd ever find this out.

Think about it: If he were sober, would he REALLY admit something like that to you and risk not having you around anymore? No.

The second part of your quote says "I don't know why he would do this to me."

Well, I do.

He has a girlfriend in another country. He obviously can't have sex with her, but he KNOWS he can have sex with YOU.

You're so in love with him that you will betray your friend, AND KEEP IT FROM HER, as long as he wants you to.

He knows he can get sex from you at his convenience, so of COURSE he's gonna keep you around.

I want to know what type of friend he'd be to you, if you STOPPED having sex with him, and JUST kept it as friends. I'm curious how he'd treat you then.

Here's a question: Is a guy, who will use you for sex, while cheating on his girlfriend, REALLY DESERVING of the love you're giving him, or the pedestal you're putting him on?

Always remember: A man who will cheat WITH you, will cheat ON you. So even if he DID agree to date you, imagine how hurt you'd be if you found out he cheated on you?

Furthermore, how do you even know for certain that you're the only person he's sleeping with NOW?

Here's the bottom line: You can CONTINUE to sleep with him, and risk an even DEEPER hurt, or, you can drop the douchebag NOW, and avoid experience even MORE pain.

In my opinion, staying in a situation that only benefits ONE of you (HIM) is not worth getting HURT over, no matter HOW much you love him. You need to love YOURSELF, MORE.

[VincenzoG91]

NBT, she may continue in denial, but I applaud your excellent attempt to set her straight.

[xxazurexx]

Well firstly, no guy is worth taking your life over!! There are plenty more where he came from roaming the planet and ones who would treat you properly as opposed to treating you as the 'booty' call.

I think if you are having suicidal thoughts, you need to go and seek some help.

[sunnybunny8212]

Have a lot more dignity. If you were her friend, you wouldn't have slept with him no matter how long you've known him.
So what if you knew him first, as a woman you should have backed off because one, he decided to be with someone else, and two he's involved your friend at that.
now you've grown attached to him, and he doesn't feel the same way about you.
you both should not have let your "relationship" revolve around sex, because now you're the secret, and he's putting the other girl first.

Walk away from the situation and gather yourself.
if he says he cant/wont love you, and likes her, leave him alone.

cut contact from him, and [B]IF[B he decides to "want" to be with you if him and her don't work out he's using you.
if he had "real/strong feelings" about you, he would have put you first.

don't ever expect a man to be with you, especially if he's with another woman. if they were to break up,
don't expect him to call you. if he does cool, but then again, not cool, because you're his back up.

end it with him.
sorry its the last thing you want to hear, but i cant sugar coat that one.
<3

[NBT]

NBT, she may continue in denial, but I applaud your excellent attempt to set her straight.

Thanks, Vince. I just hope it works.