I think my girlfriend didnt tell me about meeting an ex for drinks/dinner

[austen1]

So this past Saturday, my girlfriend and I had plans to go on a walk down by the river in the afternoon. I was working Saturday morning and I was running behind schedule. She got upset that we were running short of time for the walk. She calls me a tells me that she totally forgot she had dinner plans with a few of her girlfriends at 8 pm. Then she called and dinner was pushed back to 6 pm, so we couldnt do anything. I said OK, have fun. She texted me at 6:22 and said that they are done with dinner and she wanted to go out. She got to my house, and I asked her how dinner was and apparently only 1 of the 5 girls showed up and they didnt eat they just drank a few cocktails.

We went out and had fun that night, the next morning she was in the shower and I looked at her text messages, (She got two texts in a row). I noticed a name that I didnt recognize and I looked in the text. There were texts stating what time they were going to meet, should they pick her up and other discrete texts, like "I Miss you" "You know how I feel about you" etc. I could tell it was a guy and I wasnt able to read the whole conversation and I could hear her coming back into the room.

I started getting real quiet and she asked what was wrong, I said nothing is wrong and then she asked if I had went through her phone and said no. We went on a walk and she kept asking me what was wrong and I shook it off. On Monday, I did some digging about the name, and it turns out the name matches a professional hockey player in my hometown. She dated a hockey player a few years ago, and they broke it off. He was traded to a Canadian team this past year and it just so happens that this team was playing my team this weekend and he was in town. I also can say that I recognized his photo from some of the pictures she has of him without his shirt off, saved in her phone.

I didnt sleep at all last night cause this was on my mind and I dont want to make a big deal about it, but I feel like I shouldnt be lied too.

What should I do?

[oldskool83]

hello, tell her whats up, tell her to cut the shady shit or you kicking her out. man up. you allowed to say **** you, your done. ive done it.

[missanthrope]

First of all, there are a couple things that stood out to me.

1. Why are you checking her phone? Is this something you do with every girl friend? I would be horrified if my boyfriend checked my phone and it's not because I'm hiding anything (I'm not), but because trust is the number one rule for me. If you don't trust her, why be with her? And if you just check phones as a habit, try re-examining why you do that.

2. She has photos (shirtless ones!!) of her ex on her phone. I might keep pictures of myself with exes stored in albums somewhere or in the deep recesses of my hard drive, but if they're on my phone and he's shirtless they're getting deleted. Especially if I am with someone new.

3. She knows what she did was wrong, hence why she immediately asked, "did you look at my phone?"

4. How long was she actually gone? 22 minutes from 6 pm to 6:22 or from the morning to 6:22? She might have had sex with him, might have not.

You need to bring this up to her. You cannot sweep it under the rug.

[pisces25]

Yes, why did you say 'nothing' when she is asked what is wrong. I think the communication issues needs to be addressed before you can resolve anything in this relationship. Also, stop snooping. Nothing good comes of invading someone's privacy. You have a suspicion, you ask her. Simple.

[VincenzoG91]

What she did was dishonest and shady. Then you responded with more of the same. Without trust and good communication, this relationship is probably doomed. You should confess and apologize, but if she doesn't reciprocate quickly with her own confession and apology, then you will know that you still can't trust her. At that point, you should seriously consider breaking up.

[austen1]

Thank you for the advice. So I went ahead and confronted her about the subject. Should I have looked at her phone, no. Have I done this in the past, no. My gut feeling was telling me something was fishy. Should I have asked her flat out, yes. I asked her to tell me 100% truth on who was this guy. She replied back "You went through my phone" and then replied "a good friend".

I asked her again if it was the guy from this hockey team who was in town and she said yes. I then asked if she met up with him for drinks instead of her girlfriend on Sat. She said No. I asked if it was him with the shirtless pics and the she called.

The call started out as "What the hell is going on" and I said you tell me. We started talking about what is the deal and I asked her again, Did you meet up with him instead of your friend. She then said she swore on her dads grave (he passed away 6 years ago) and I said "So your swearing on your dads grave" and she sighed and then said "I didnt want to tell you cause you would get upset" BINGO!! SHE Did meet up with him! She said she picked him up from the hockey arena and then brought him to the chripractor. I said so how did you get a buzz and show up to my house drunk. She said they went out for a drink to catch up after.

I said I would rather have her been upfront and honest about it from the beginning VS. lie and cover it up. She could have simply said, hey my friends in town and were gonna catch drink and Ill be over soon. Done and done. Now I have lost a lot of trust in her, but it is not all gone. She has been honest with me in the past before (so I want to believe) and she said she was doing it to protect me. She didnt want me getting mad or jealous, that a) he is a professional hockey player or b) it is her ex. I dont care if he is pro hockey player or the president or a millionaire. It is the fact that she lied and wasnt open about it with me.

I basically said that i dont appreciate being lied too, yes im sorry I went through your phone, but my heart was telling me something was up. She apologized said Im sorry and I said its going to take a lot more for me to forgive her. My biggest issue with this is that she talks to one of her other ex's but she mentions him to me (he is financing her house) and I dont care because I know about him. This guy, she never mentioned or speaks of and he lives in canada! Why keep that window of communication open from a relationship that was 4 years ago and someone you never see or talk too. She says she has memories and he was there for her in a critical time in her life. Well in my eyes, those are memories that you keep in your mind. Not keep photos or lines of communication open. Am i Right? The window will just get bigger.

Oh on a side note, there is a whole blog about this guy and how he goes from city to city sleeping with girls, only to call them for a place to crash and (get ass) when he is in town. That is someone that if (i am with my gf, and plan on going long term) that I dont want her to be associated with that person.

She is coming to my house tonight, and I am basically going to tell her how hurt I am over this and how it makes me feel. I dont like it that she is still connected with him, and I am going to give her an ultamatum, of if she has strong feelings for me and see's our relationship going long term (we talked about long term that sat night before I knew what heppend) then she needs to cut ties with this guy if she wants to be with me.

[VincenzoG91]

Based on your update, I think that you're handling this situation well now. If you have some time before tonight, read up a little on "assertive communication." It's the best form of communication for most situations and especially for this. I don't have any links handy, but you can google it.