Need advice for a very awkward situation

[Tutored]

Hi everyone, thanks for reading my question - I hope someone can help...this is so hard that I can't ask anyone I know in person.

I am older than 35, been in some very solid romantic relationships in my life (including a fairly long marriage), and like to think of myself as very considerate of other people's feelings. I believe that hurting someone is very bad karma, and try always to avoid it, often at the expense of myself. About two years ago I met someone from another country - a brief in-person meeting turned into a Skype friendship over the next 6 months, and he steered me through some very difficult times in my life. A widower, he is sensitive, supportive without being judgemental, and will always be there for me. We fell in love, even though I was able to only manage two very, very short visits in the following 5 months - two days each visit. For a while I thought I could spend the rest of my life with this person, and started making preliminary plans to relocate to another country - a country I deeply love. Two months ago I visited him and spent my first long stay - 9 days. Something came up that has completely squashed any attraction I had for him. He went for AT LEAST four days without showering or changing his clothes - not even his underwear. He did not shave, and the clothing he wore day after day became obviously dirty, but he still wore it out to visit friends and relatives (he lives in the country but has a fairly social life with local friends and cousins). It could have been even longer, because I don't know if he showered the day before he met me at the airport. To his credit, his body odor was not that bad, at least not as bad as most men not showering for four days in a cooler summer climate. But, frankly, he looked like a slob. I didn't say anything, but I lost all attraction for him. I am back in the US, and we talk every day (mostly because he wants to), but I can't stand the thought of sleeping with him anymore, and actually felt ashamed to be with him on day #4, walking around and talking to friends - he looked like a homeless person. Do I say something, or just fade away? He's a sweet man, and I don't want to hurt him by bringing up his hygeine, but if I just fade away, that will hurt him, too. What do I do?

[reeba]

Americans are obsessive about showers compared to many other countries. However, 4 days with no change of clothes either? That is pushing it.

So what do you think would hurt him more? You telling him that he isn't passing the American level of cleanliness and he needs to shower more frequently when you are around OR you breaking up with him and not telling him why.

[Saya]

I think that you should be honest and tell him nicely...because even though if you like him, that bothers you lots so the relationship will not go forward until he changes... if he likes you that much then, he will understand and will make the changes...

I'm a clean freak so I wouldn't able to date a guy like that so I would tell him or I wouldn't want to be with him even though I like him lots....

[MerryH]

I don't want to hurt him by bringing up his hygeine, but if I just fade away, that will hurt him, too. What do I do?

This would be easier if you saw him every day, then you could just drop hints, like "aren't you going to take a shower today?" or "hm, you wore that outfit yesterday, don't you want to wear clean clothes?" Passive-aggression ftw.

Seriously, though, just tell him. Something like, "I noticed that you don't shower every day or wear clean clothes. Sorry if I'm bringing up a sensitive topic, but it's really important for me to have a partner who looks and smells relatively clean. What do you think?" If he gets really hurt and goes quiet, just let him be. He'll probably come around. If he goes into a rage and accuses you of being some sort of clean freak, then you'll know that he's not a suitable mate.

Or, if you don't even want to try to make it work with him (understandable) then tell him "I liked you a lot, but I am no longer attracted to you because of your poor hygiene. I can't date someone who wears soiled clothes for days and doesn't shower enough. Bye."

[Tutored]

I don't know what would hurt him less - that's why I posted the question...I want to go with the lesser of two evils.

[Tutored]

Thank you for a great reply and some good advice, delivered with directness, compassion, [I]sans [I] sarcasm. It's so true that this would be easier if I saw him every day. Before this issue came up, I had stayed with him for just two 2-day periods. Again, I really appreciate your advice.

[Tutored]

Thanks, Saya...he is Scandinavian, and they normally are quiet clean people. I appreciate the advice

[devonbrown]

I agree that what Americans view as normal good hygiene is not necessarily the same as others' view on it around the world. That said though, it is not the issue of you being close-minded or xenophobic. You have a preference and he is not meeting that preference.

Without knowing the person, I can't say which option would hurt him less. But the fact that you say that you like this guy, I would suggest talking to him about it. Not in an accusatory or insulting way, but just tell him that you like him but you know that everyone has different things that they see as deal-breakers to relationships. Let him know that his not changing clothes, etc. really bothered you and you don't think you can be with someone who doesn't change his clothes daily and keeps up regular hygiene habits. Have the conversation in a calm manner and see what he says. Maybe he is just oblivious of this, especially if this is common for him and others he knows.

Good luck.