Is my new boyfriend emotionally unstable?

[silvermoon]

My new boyfriend has never been in a relationship before, and has been rejected by women in the past. When I agreed to be his girlfriend, he started crying. On our second date, he confessed his love to me and started crying intensely, because he said that I am everything he has been looking for in a woman.

We've only been dating for a short period of time, but he's already cried nearly ten times ('out of happiness', he says), and it's beginning to make me feel uncomfortable. I feel like I'm the man in this relationship sometimes, even though I'm a woman. Is it normal for a man to be this emotional? He is unlike any man I have ever dated, and yet he has been very kind to me. He tells me I'm amazing and beautiful every day, and writes me love letters and poems. However, I can't help but feel weighed down by the intensity of his emotion. I feel that I should also question if his feelings are genuine, considering that he said that he loved me on our second date, despite the fact that we had only known each other for a week before we started dating. I don't even know if I love him, because everything is happening to quickly. Nonetheless, I'm beginning to feel like he feels much more strongly about me than I feel about him.

I want to give him a chance, but at the same time, his emotional nature makes me feel uncomfortable when he cries. I told him this politely, and he told me that he felt it was irritating that I wasn't flattered when he was crying, because he was 'pouring out his heart to me' and showing me that he trusts me enough to be completely open with me. Is this normal behavior? I'm a bit perplexed, because I've never encountered a man like him before. He's a bit of a recluse with very few friends, so perhaps his intense emotions are to compensate for his lack of social experience.

[Agape]

He sounds insecure and desperate because of all the rejections . . . he probably is very new to relationships and thus doesn't really know what to do with all these new emotions he's feeling. . . also, you're his first so he is probably thinking you're the best girl ever

How old is this guy and how many rejections has he had? . . . also you call this a relationship only after a few dates? How long have you been seeing him?

[Incognito]

While I don't think that a man crying should be demonized as much as it is in the US (because it is a very human reaction to certain things), but the sheer amount of times that this guy has cried is strange. I wouldn't call him emotionally unstable, but I'd definitely say that he hasn't mastered how to control his emotions. His professing his love on the second date is a big, fat red flag though. It sounds more like he is happy that someone is accepting him enough to date him and that he thinks that crying in front of you is somehow endearing. Many woman say that they wish their man could watch sob movies with them and shed a tear or two, but he has taken that notion to a another level. The bottom line though is that if you genuinely like him, he may snap out of it. If this is something that you cannot deal with then simply move on (and possibly telling him why). That way you won't have to be uncomfortable and he might be "toughened up" a bit.

[silvermoon]

We've been dating for a couple of months, and he is 23-years-old. From what he told me, he's been rejected quite a few times, by everyone he's ever been interested in. I almost feel like he's latching onto me in desperation, because I'm the only one who has accepted him. I don't think there's anything wrong with a man crying every so often, but the amount of times he has cried is making me feel emotionally drained.

[Incognito]

Well its time to move on then. I too get the feeling that he is desperate. Its not your responsibility to play therapist, and especially if it is a drain on you. Maybe when its over you can mail him a card to a therapist who may actually be able to help him.

[VincenzoG91]

The first time that Frodo cried in the Lord of the Rings movies, I thought, wow this is deeply moving.

The second time that Frodo cried, I was a little puzzled. I hadn't read the books in many years, but apparently it was more of a tragedy than I had remembered.

By the fourth or fifth time that Frodo cried, I got impatient. Please, somebody take The Ring away from this sobbing nancyboy.

I think that you're right to question if his feelings are genuine. I don't mean that he's faking the intense emotions that he is experiencing, but he is projecting all of his hopes and dreams upon you and that's a heavy load for a real relationship to endure. What will he do the first time that you two have an argument? I too went through a lot of rejection when I was young, but by the time I got into my first serious relationship, I had toughened up and didn't get weepy or intensely emotional. This guy doesn't seem ready for a relationship, he needs to do more first dates, and possibly some therapy. Then again, you haven't mentioned any other bad qualities so he might be worth some trouble. Maybe you can just have a serious talk with him about his runaway emotions and try to set some boundaries. He will probably continue to smother you with his oppressive emotions, but you can at least warn him that it's a deal-breaker for you.

[Agape]

We've been dating for a couple of months, and he is 23-years-old. From what he told me, he's been rejected quite a few times, by everyone he's ever been interested in. I almost feel like he's latching onto me in desperation, because I'm the only one who has accepted him. I don't think there's anything wrong with a man crying every so often, but the amount of times he has cried is making me feel emotionally drained.

Well then, it's probably some emotionally unstable guy . . . if he hasn't gotten over it in a few months then he probably won't get over it.

[xxazurexx]

He sounds a pretty emotional guy to me and if he crys that easily and that often. Probably and because he's been rejected a lot, he's desperate to hang onto this relationship and make it work, hence the 'You are beautiful', love letters, poems - he thinks that what he has to do and to keep you, unless of course he's just a really a slushy, romantic guy.

I think it would do my head in too. I like guys who aren't afraid to show feelings, but 24/7 would drive me round the bend.

[silvermoon]

He sounds a pretty emotional guy to me and if he crys that easily and that often. Probably and because he's been rejected a lot, he's desperate to hang onto this relationship and make it work, hence the 'You are beautiful', love letters, poems - he thinks that what he has to do and to keep you, unless of course he's just a really a slushy, romantic guy.

I think it would do my head in too. I like guys who aren't afraid to show feelings, but 24/7 would drive me round the bend.

I agree that his displays of affection are likely driven by desperation. He is insecure. He wanted me to promise him that I will always be there for him, because he is afraid of being alone again. He was bullied as a child, and isolated himself for many years as a result. He's spent most of his life alone, in his room (on the computer). It seems that this could definitely have influenced his mental state and behavior. I honestly think that he thinks it's normal to regularly cry and pour his heart out to me. I don't know exactly how bullying and isolation can affect someone's mental state, but I feel like his past has affected him more than he realizes.

I'm just afraid of what will happen when I break up with him, considering he feels that everyone in the world has wronged him except for me. He told me that there was a period of time shortly before he met me where he was so depressed (from constant rejection) that he had briefly considered killing himself. I'm beginning to realize that I can't be with someone like him in the long-term (even though we have a lot in common and we get along well). I am just a bit worried about the drama that will ensue if I break up with him.

[Agape]

You could give him some therapy and counsellor phone numbers?

Either way, you shouldn't have to bear the emotional baggage of this guy

[Incognito]

I'm just afraid of what will happen when I break up with him, considering he feels that everyone in the world has wronged him except for me. He told me that there was a period of time shortly before he met me where he was so depressed (from constant rejection) that he had briefly considered killing himself

He may be emotional, but he's not stupid. He is trying to play the sympathy card by bringing up his suicidal thoughts hoping that you will stay. That is flat out manipulative. This is more about him needing to feel wanted than him having genuine love for you at this point. I'd say break up with him if that is what you need to do, but either do it in a public place or by letter. Further, don't make the mistake of contacting him afterwards, because that is usually when people like that actually threaten suicide in an attempt to get you to stay connected with them in some way. If you break up there needs to be no contact, and try not to think about what he may be or may not be doing. Simply move on.

[xxazurexx]

I think I'd have been gone as soon he began the suicide spat. You should never let anyone get away with emotional blackmail or feel obliged to stay with anyone and because they have threatened to kill themselves.

People who are serious about suicide don't tend to talk abouit it, they go ahead and do it.