Things seem cool till they're not. Advice?

[Narwhal]

I never know if my SO is happy or not in the relationship.
Our circle of friends is pretty open and affectionate, i.e. hugging when we meet or leave, and otherwise fairly familiar with each other. My (now) wife was a newcomer to the area when we met and was seemed fine with it, and indeed seemed to embrace it. As our relationship progressed she seemed to still be fine with it except for with a few specific people who I afterwards made a point not to be physical with, and interacted with them less in general.

Time went on and we got married, but she seems increasingly paranoid that I'm going to cheat on her, which in turn makes me less happy in the relationship. She has actively spied on me numerous times before, which damages the relationship more. There have also been occasions when I have been typing searches into Google and the search history automatically brings up things like "how can I trust my husband?" and "when will I find happiness?" from her searches, which makes me feel as though my efforts toward the relationship are unseen. Cumulatively these have left me feeling unappreciated, and I regularly feel that she's in the relationship because she doesn't know what else to do.

I don't want to be in a relationship because it's safe or the runner-up prize. I work very hard to be a good husband and provider. But even when I think we're happy I get blind-sided by her being upset at me or miserable. What should I do?

[Rollerderby]

You guys need to talk. A lot. Maybe couples counseling?

[Mish]

I don't want to be in a relationship because it's safe or the runner-up prize. I work very hard to be a good husband and provider. But even when I think we're happy I get blind-sided by her being upset at me or miserable. What should I do?

Well, what are her main issues in the relationship, have you asked? For example, why doesn't she trust you? What issues in the relationship make her unhappy? You can't make an informed decision until you know her reasons.

[vashti]

Odd; my search history doesn't automatically bring up anything unless I actively click the button. ???

The fact that she wants to know how she can trust you tells me she is aware there is a problem, and wants to fix it. Why don't you try getting some counseling? If you haven't done anything at all to feed her insecurity (and to be honest, i'd be surprised if that were the case, since people generally tend to feel MORE secure over time, not less), then she can probably go alone.

[Narwhal]

Odd; my search history doesn't automatically bring up anything unless I actively click the button. ???

Works differently for mobile devices, and she was borrowing mine for a while because hers was broken.