She can't control her behaviors. Weight, money, happiness.

[ScottyQ]

Ok. Simply put, my wife needs to lose weight and find her happy place I have skirted this topic with her several times and I'm not getting anywhere with her.

She exercises a couple times a week. She does not control her eating. She has put on a lot of weight after a tummy tuck. Her body is just not what it can be. And she is customarily negative. Given the choice to form an opinion about something, she looks to point out the flaws. It's a larger issue than point out my flaws. I freely admit to many of them. It's when she thinks in negative themes.

I believe she compensates for the negativity with food and shopping. Those things make her feel good. Perhaps bashing others helps her think of her own issues as more acceptable.

I'm not superficial so let's not start "bashing" me and stick to the knitting here. She is overweight and she is unhappy. This makes her less physically attractive and emotionally. I believe her weight also makes her feel insecure. That manifests itself into a host of other unattractive behaviors. Insecurity, jealousy, hostility are pretty common.

Here is what I want. I want her to get her thinking about the long term relationship we have. I have tried repeatedly to get her into therapy but she makes a half-hearted effort at best. Same goes for exercise, controlling her spending, and watching what she eats. she seems focused on getting better, but getting better never shows up. And after time it sometimes gets worse.

It's a mess and I guess couples therapy might help but therapy is a personal thing in my opinion. And sometimes people who need help, dont know on therapy day 1, what their real issues are. And for my wife, my issues with her weight and behavior are not relevant to her decision to get help- its her choice, not mine. I cannot force her to get well.

Couples therapy did not work well the few times we have gone together. She typically brings up issues outside the session that should be addresses inside the session. Plus, anything I say in therapy gets used against me. Like "you never told me that you.....". I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I watch what I eat. I watch what i say, and i watch how i think . I eat in moderation. Exercise somewhat regularly. See a therapist from time to time. Have friends and interests outside of the home. And overall it's a pretty good life.

Her health is already suffering. She is now on cholesterol meds. it his will only go from bad to worse. Our relationship is suffering. The negativity, the self inflating of her ego ("Im better than that...), the insecurity... So i want to help her now. ...

[ScottyQ]

Side note. She has been on a host of antidepressants without finding her happy place for several years.

[Boisdevie]

She seems unable/unwilling to change given what you've said. Would you leave her if she didn't change? And if so, does she know this? Would threatening to leave have the impact to make her change?

[Sonrisa]

I'd like to know her dimensions before making any comments. I also eat a lot and don't exercise thus I cannot join into bashing her until I know what exactly we are talking about. A picture might help as well. Just to be fair to her.

[ScottyQ]

I'd like to know her dimensions before making any comments. I also eat a lot and don't exercise thus I cannot join into bashing her until I know what exactly we are talking about. A picture might help as well. Just to be fair to her.

Sorry. I don't know her dimensions. She was more like Cameron Diaz when I met her and now she's just short of Kelly Osborne. The tummy tuck (12k) 2 years ago was supposed to be the start of a big turnaround. But instead she seems to have replaced the belly they tightened up for her.

[ScottyQ]

She seems unable/unwilling to change given what you've said. Would you leave her if she didn't change? And if so, does she know this? Would threatening to leave have the impact to make her change?

I don't see me leaving her. Not yet. We have kids, a house, etc. I have told her this cannot go on. Usually she will play the victim and start in with the sadness of "you're going to leave me". I'm becoming more insensitive and less tolerant. It's not a good thing for me, her, or the kids.

[Sonrisa]

Sorry. I don't know her dimensions. She was more like Cameron Diaz when I met her and now she's just short of Kelly Osborne. The tummy tuck (12k) 2 years ago was supposed to be the start of a big turnaround. But instead she seems to have replaced the belly they tightened up for her.

that was the worst comparison ever lol. those two are completely different heights and builts. post a picture.

[Boisdevie]

I don't see me leaving her. Not yet. We have kids, a house, etc. I have told her this cannot go on. Usually she will play the victim and start in with the sadness of "you're going to leave me". I'm becoming more insensitive and less tolerant. It's not a good thing for me, her, or the kids.

. Se

She's clearly not going to change. You're not going to leave her. So what exactly do you expect to happen that's going to improve things? You either accept the shitty situation or leave.

[vashti]

I think I'd be pretty unhappy too, if the man I married were so preoccupied with my body shape (after giving birth multiple times!), he was actually willing to fork over such an extravagant amount of money to "improve" me. Why should she want to control herself when she clearly has YOU to do it?

[ScottyQ]

I think I'd be pretty unhappy too, if the man I married were so preoccupied with my body shape (after giving birth multiple times!), he was actually willing to fork over such an extravagant amount of money to "improve" me. Why should she want to control herself when she clearly has YOU to do it?

Sorry. You assume a lot in your reply. I am not preoccupied with body shape. Her body shape is a condition/symptom, not a cause. We used a gestational surrogate, she did not give birth. She paid for the tummy tuck. Her money, her idea.

[ScottyQ]

I think if she works on her behavior. He body shape should follow suit. Or do I have that reversed. Should she work on getting in shape, and her mind will follow. Whatever. It's her decision, her body, her mind. I'm more than willing to accept the changes that nature requires. I am not willing to watch her suffer by neglecting the things she should be taking care of... So no - I am not trying to improve her... I am trying to keep her on a good path that's filled with health and happiness... To the greatest extent possible under the circumstances.

[ScottyQ]

those two are completely different heights and builts.

Height is irrelevant. Build is relevant. Glad you spotted the difference

Picture won't happen, so please stop asking.

It's not simply that she put on weight... it's what drove her to do so - that's I am concerned with helping her fix.

[vashti]

Sorry. You assume a lot in your reply. I am not preoccupied with body shape. Her body shape is a condition/symptom, not a cause. We used a gestational surrogate, she did not give birth. She paid for the tummy tuck. Her money, her idea.

okay, I am willing to accept that I assumed she gave birth inappropriately.

There is still something creepy about your posts that I can't quite put my finger on, and it's not the fact that you want her to lose weight. That is a common topic on these boards, and certainly not one that makes my skin crawl.

[nocluewhattodo]

NO wonder she is on antidepressants and struggling with her weight if thats how you speak to her. you have probably destroyed her self confidence and body image, i hope she leaves you for a 25 year old adonis with a huge penis

[IndiReloaded]

There is still something creepy about your posts that I can't quite put my finger on, and it's not the fact that you want her to lose weight.

Agree with Vash. You sound controlling somehow. I assume that her weight was once good. Therefore, the change is a symptom of another issue she is trying to compensate for. Perhaps she doesn't really like you and is having trouble finding the strength to leave you?

Your posts don't come across as caring for your wife, more that you expect something from her and are upset you aren't getting it. You sound entitled, not like a concerned husband. Perhaps that not your intent, I'm giving you the benefit of doubt, but if this is how you speak to her about your issues, its no wonder she is having trouble coping.