Lost and Confused

[Strato]

Hi,

My girlfriend of 2 years is very close to me. We go out at least twice a week, every week. I am sincere and love her deeply. Though we have little problems like every couples do, we sort it out but when it comes to trust issues, it gets a little tricky.

She has a guy colleague who is from overseas and this is already the third time she flew there to go on a holiday with him. I wonder if anyone actually find this is okay because I totally am not. Am totally angry and sad at the same time. The guy is like an uncle to her according to her and she can relate to him well. But my gut feeling says something is not right.

Firstly, the guy is married. Which married guy actually takes a week off from work and family to spend time with another female colleague from overseas?

Secondly, she is in a relationship with me. Sure I do not stop her from travelling because thats what she likes to do but travelling together with a guy is making me feel very insecure.

She met him through a company exchange program and after that she flew there again to meet him. I broke up with her for that. But we got back together again after I decided that we should be more serious in our relationship. Not long after that...she leaves again....and now, again.

She tries to convince me that there is nothing going on and shes only travelling with him in his country because he stays there and he can show her around. But how true is the truth?

I have told her if she is serious about our relationship and want it to be long term she has to stop this but it looks like she dont find it a priority.

Has anyone experienced something similar? I totally feel like giving up....i cant eat well or focus on my work and I exercise less and lost alot of weight recently.....

Hope to hear some good advice

[fishgreen6]

doubt a bit..but not to an extent to annoy u or her!

[snoz]

I think doubt is good sometimes. I wouldn't say something similar but when I went out with my ex I started have doubts and even made accusations when we got to the 4th year together.

Sure we all feel bad making accusations with no solid proof but we talked it out and I had no choice but to believe nothing happened. Like you I lost a whole heap of weight and my health started to decline from worrying too much.

Few more months went by and I pulled myself up together and stopped worrying about it until it became too obvious, she denied the accusation again and just before we I started to feel guilty the guy tells me the truth. And later on telling me about the accounts of what happened when I had my doubts and accusations, how sweet is that

Her reasoning for not wanting to tell me was because she loves me so much she didn't want to hurt me... sure it makes sense a lot of sense but why be with someone who loves you but can't help themselves to HURT you.

It's not worth it at all.

[wilsongan]

Here's an advice. But I don't know if its a good advice. You decide ok?

Go out, hang out when she's away. Find a girl. A nice girl. Be a close friend to her. Then ask her if she would go on a vacation with you? Or come over to your room to watch DVD or something.

Let your girlfriend know that tonight you won't be free cause you would be watching a movie with her, in your room, or maybe next week, you would be away on an Asian tour with this girl name Cindy or whatever.

If she say, OK. Well......go ahead and enjoy yourself. If you guys sparked it off, and you guys are happy. You just found yourself a new partner!

Oh, OF COURSE ITS NOT OK FOR YOUR GF TO GO VACATION WITH ANOTHER MAN. There are rules. Unwritten rules in relationship. It is not about whether you will `fall into temptations', but it is about allowing yourself to be in an area close to temptation. Don't resist temptation, don't get near it in the first place.

Your girl puts herself there. That is wrong. Not healthy. Do something! Do something! She does not respect your feelings on that, you could just about do the same to see if she cares, if she doesn't then she probably isn't someone for you don't you think?

Regards,

Wilsongan

[Strato]

Thx guys for the advice.

Wilson, I tried to tell her many times its not OK to go on a holiday with him. But she just dont care about it but telling me that its my fault because i dont take off from work to go on a vacation with her. I am totally irritated when she dont get my point

Snoz, thx for sharing ur advice from past experience. Im sorry to hear abt it but glad ure okay.

Should I ignore her totally and move on...? Because I know when she comes back, she'll be looking for me, be nice to me and in time to come, travel with him again...this hurts so much

[wilsongan]

The way I see it, she loves herself more than she loves you. Of course there is love, but she just fell in love with herself, she's trying to get the best of ALL sides of life.

Start getting someone who understand there is no best of even for just both sides.

You'd be fine. Great guy!

[Strato]

Youre right Wilson, really looks like she wants the best of all sides. Thx again for ur advice..

[agatha]

I really don't believe in her alibis. If that was nothing then he would bring you to that trip. There is something between the two of them. If they will spend time together, there should be some chaperon, the family of that guy and u...

[Strato]

Well Agatha, i dont quite believe her alibis too....

She did ask me to come along but i couldnt because im busy with work and my dad is having an eye operation. Im feeling quite stressed at that moment and I told her itll be nice to have her emotional support. But she insisted on going on her holiday...1 day shopping w an old guy friend, 3 days mountain biking with that guy colleague.

Now that shes back and they arent around, she just smsed me. I totally feel like a recycleable boyfriend. Put me aside when im useless, then reuse me for convenience.

Dont that guy have some sense of respect for his family and my relationship..? At least I know you guys are sensible too, that her actions are not appropriate. Thank you..

[xO Lanna]

After that "women in love her nephew" post I wouldn't take the excuse "but he's like an uncle" because apparently people screw their aunts and uncles all the time

[IndiReloaded]

Wilson, I tried to tell her many times its not OK to go on a holiday with him. But she just dont care about it but telling me that its my fault because i dont take off from work to go on a vacation with her. I am totally irritated when she dont get my point

Oh, she totally gets your point Strato. She just has NO reason to listen, this gal respects you so little. In fact, I'm just amazed you could see the screen to type, the way your lips are glued to her ass. I hope the sex is amazing b/c I can't think of any other reason why you would let her treat you like shit this way.

No, married guys do not take off for a week with another woman on a holiday. Yes, she is cheating on you w/this guy. Yes, you should dump her. This is a selfish woman you are dealing with. No good. If you can, dump her publicly.

[wilsongan]

Brother,

Read many advices for you in here and many ask you to leave. But be a man for whatever you are deciding. If you are leaving her, leave her like a man. There is no need for humiliation. They say the greatest enemy is always ourselves. You want to teach her a lesson and leave in an un-gentleman manner, you just lost to yourself.

Thinking rationally is something almost nobody who is involved in a emotional turmoil is able to do. But that is when it is needed the most.

Be rational, be gentleman. Now just because someone mistreated you, there will be no call for us to mistreat them back.

I couldn't make conclusion for you that she's cheating. I can only tell you she wants the fun of all sides. Couldn't tell what I couldn't see and couldn't be too sure of.

Remember this, whatever people tell you here, your future and happiness is at stake. Decide rationally one what is really true and take the correct action which you can be proud of even in the future.

[Strato]

Indi, its not a 'sex' thing here...I am forgiving towards her because we know each other for a long time and I love her family too and her pets always play with me when I come over. Her brother also shares similar hobbies with me. She comes from a divorced family and supports her younger siblings so I really feel she needed my emotional support. I have no proof whatsoever that she cheated on me w that man but I know if she loves me sincerely, she would have at least listen to my feelings like you said.. But it seems clear to me that she is doing fine without me.

Thanks again Wilson for ur advice. I dont have any intentions to mistreat her back. Well shes back and I just wished her a welcome back note and its good to know shes safely home. But I made it clear to her that this trip costed our relationship. It happened 3 times and I took the fall and gave it another shot. Its also sad to know shes somehow defending him. All that planning for long term relationship is all wasted now. I am deeply hurt and I guess its gonna take me a long time to heal and move on.... I told her if that guy is a real man and meant no harm, come down and reason out with me, which I doubt he will. Guys like him is a disgrace.

Thanks for your advices guys...Appreciate it.

[wilsongan]

Well done Strato. Well handled. Your message to her was calm and composed! How do you do that? I think that's amazing.

Now leave things as it is. No plans are wasted. Now you know what else needs to be planned and looked into for the next relationship. Yea, guys like him is a disgrace. From your story he's an idiot. But let him be, cause what goes around comes around I always say.

[leitzin]

Strato,

You're problem is a lot simpler than you think... It can be distilled right down to one question...

YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE.

justified, paranoid, legitimate or not! YOU are uncomfortable.

And since SHE is unwilling to change her behavior to COMFORT you... SHE is by definition... INCONSIDERATE.

So... here's the question...

Does she bring other qualities to the table that make up for her lack of consideration for your feelings?

YES? then stop complaining and support her in her way of living her life. (people tend to stop doing annoying things when you dont act annoyed anymore.)

IF

NO? then... well... must I continue?