Why is he acting like that?

[lilsunflower]

A few months ago my previous Graduate student instructor hit on me. He is 34, 11+ years older than me.(He is single) I first thought he had no hope but he was really nice. He smiled a lot, and sent me emails and chatted to me online and he seemed to be really caring and I thought we had a lot in common.
So after a while, I didn't think the age difference was a problem and now we have been in a relationship for a month.

We see each other almost every other day, mostly eat at our school cafe using my meal plan. On Fridays he cooks simple dinner for us at his place (4 times in 3 months).

Although we see each other often, I feel he is distant. He never gives me good morning/night calls, or texts me during the day. He only replies my texts when I have asked him a question about plan after school.

He is not clueless about what I want. At the beginning I thought he was, so I tried to tell him what I wanted. It pissed him off every time. His point was every relationship was different and I should forget about my preconceptions of "typical relationships". He told me I was sending him tons of hints of what I wanted him to do and he won't do something when he was being forced to.(I was just telling him what would make me happy..simple things, like show more affection. if he didn't want people to know he was going out with his previous student, maybe call me at night?)

Last time, we were chatting online. He was off to bed so I said：“hon， gime a kiss k?~~~”
He said :"kiss" and 1 sec later he told me "I don't react well to this kind of things"

I was like...what?

He told me he was the person he had always been and he was not going to change much no matter how hard I try.

So I told him I was the person who I had always been if he was not going to change for me, I was not going to change for him either, so if it didn't work out it didn't work out.

Another example, I had a very nice evening with him this Friday. I felt he was really into me that evening and we had a nice talk. He even spent night at my place for the first time(he had been a very distant person and it was the first time we spend a night together).

The next morning(SAT), we had brunch, we were happy. I went back home he went back to his place and I haven't heard a thing from him since then!!!!

No text msg, no call, he didn't even go online to talk to me.

After a nice time together, my man hasn't contacted me for 48hrs!!!!! Is this acceptable?

I am 11 years younger, good looking, and has a cheerful personality, everyone thinks I am funny. My family is more wealthy compared to his, and I will be financially more successful in the future. I am a very traditional girl I don't mess around with random people, not party type. I am even paying for most of the dinner we have together. I am so much better, don't I deserve better?

I am not expecting roses everyday, or him treating me like a princess, all i want is a relationship that feels like one. Just like every single woman, I want to talk about what happened in my life and when I am feeling down I need someone to turn to but I don't think he will like it.

My 2 months long summer break is coming up soon and I am going abroad. My plan is to let it cool down during the summer so I can easily move on. What do you think? Why is he acting like this? When he is with me I feel he likes me we laugh together but once we separate, I feel he is not even my close friend.

[lilsunflower]

When we were together I asked him if he would care if I date other people he told me go ahead. I was serious when I asked that question because I wanted to know if he was serious with me. He smiled and said "the reasons I didn't say yes is "if you really want to see other people, you don't care if i care. and if you want me to say I would beg you stay, I am not that kind of person. I and Adam(his good friend) won't say something like that.""
Wow, he has a strong personality that he won't even try to make his girl happy? or he is just not into me.

[Lipp]

A few months ago my previous Graduate student instructor hit on me. He is 34, 11+ years older than me.(He is single) I first thought he had no hope but he was really nice. He smiled a lot, and sent me emails and chatted to me online and he seemed to be really caring and I thought we had a lot in common.
So after a while, I didn't think the age difference was a problem and now we have been in a relationship for a month.

We see each other almost everyday, mostly eat at our school cafe using my meal plan. On Fridays he cooks simple dinner for us at his place (4 times in 3 months).

Although we see each other often, I feel he is distant. He never gives me good morning/night calls, or texts me during the day. He only replies my texts when I have asked him a question about plan after school.

He is not clueless about what I want. At the beginning I thought he was, so I tried to tell him what I wanted. It pissed him off every time. His point was every relationship was different and I should forget about my preconceptions of "typical relationships". He told me I was sending him tons of hints of what I wanted him to do and he won't do something when he was being forced to.(I was just telling him what would make me happy..simple things, like show more affection. if he didn't want people to know he was going out with his previous student, maybe call me at night?)

Last time, we were chatting online. He was off to bed so I said：“hon， gime a kiss k?~~~”
He said :"kiss" and 1 sec later he told me "I don't react well to this kind of things"

I was like...what?

He told me he was the person he had always been and he was not going to change much no matter how hard I try.

So I told him I was the person who I had always been if he was not going to change for me, I was not going to change for him either, so if it didn't work out it didn't work out.

Another example, I had a very nice evening with him this Friday. I felt he was really into me that evening and we had a nice talk. He even spent night at my place for the first time(he had been a very distant person and it was the first time we spend a night together).

The next morning(SAT), we had brunch, we were happy. I went back home he went back to his place and I haven't heard a thing from him since then!!!!

No text msg, no call, he didn't even go online to talk to me.

After a nice time together, my man hasn't contacted me for 48hrs!!!!! Is this acceptable?

I am 11 years younger, good looking, and has a cheerful personality, everyone thinks I am funny. My family is more wealthy compared to his, and I will be financially more successful in the future. I am a very traditional girl I don't mess around with random people, not party type. I am even paying for most of the dinner we have together. I am so much better, don't I deserve better?

I am not expecting roses everyday, or him treating me like a princess, all i want is a relationship that feels like one. Just like every single woman, I want to talk about what happened in my life and when I am feeling down I need someone to turn to but I don't think he will like it.

My 2 months long summer break is coming up soon and I am going abroad. My plan is to let it cool down during the summer so I can easily move on. What do you think? Why is he acting like this? When he is with me I feel he likes me we laugh together but once we separate, I feel he is not even my close friend.

1. It's pretty damn excessive for you to expect phonecalls, emails and text messages when the two of you already meet up on a very regular basis.

2. Small changes can be made, but you can't expect him to change abruptly and he is quite correct about opposing change if he's pressured into it. Face it, so far it's all about what you want. What about what he wants? Does he have to pressure you into not requiring to be showered in attention?

3. Making a big deal over "kissing" just by typing kiss is freakin' silly.

4. Concerning changing, really, overall two people have to be quite compatible before entering a relationship. And if these changes that you propose are too big, well, then you're not compatible, either live with it or give it up.

5. 48 hours (aka 2 days). Give him a break. Yet another freak-out.

6. You've already developed some kind of conception of being superior to him. Well done. *clap clap* Unfortunately your personality doesn't support it.

7. As he already pointed out you've got an illusion of what a relationship has to be like.

All in all, I do hope that you break up with him, you'd be doing him a big favor on not wasting anymore time with you.

Yes, I know this sounds harsh, but Im not here to agree with your point of view.

[lilsunflower]

1. It's pretty damn excessive for you to expect phonecalls, emails and text messages when the two of you already meet up on a very regular basis.

2. Small changes can be made, but you can't expect him to change abruptly and he is quite correct about opposing change if he's pressured into it. Face it, so far it's all about what you want. What about what he wants? Does he have to pressure you into not requiring to be showered in attention?

3. Making a big deal over "kissing" just by typing kiss is freakin' silly.

4. Concerning changing, really, overall two people have to be quite compatible before entering a relationship. And if these changes that you propose are too big, well, then you're not compatible, either live with it or give it up.

5. 48 hours (aka 2 days). Give him a break. Yet another freak-out.

6. You've already developed some kind of conception of being superior to him. Well done. *clap clap* Unfortunately your personality doesn't support it.

7. As he already pointed out you've got an illusion of what a relationship has to be like.

All in all, I do hope that you break up with him, you'd be doing him a big favor on not wasting anymore time with you.

Yes, I know this sounds harsh, but Im not here to agree with your point of view.

1. Isn't that what a relationship is about? People care about each other and give each other emotional support. I am not expecting him to call every other min but since it's an under cover relationship, we cannot show affection most of the time we see each other, how can I feel being loved if he doesn't even call me?

2. He always tells me what he wants, which is to go along with him being distant. And he gets mad easily.

3. I wasn't making the kissing a big deal. I was joking and being sweet. I was surprise he made it a big deal.

4. I think so. This needs to end. He was really nice and sweet when he was chasing me, but not any more.

5. Really? I am serious, in the first month of relationship, don't most people at least attempt to contact each other at least once a day?

6. well. I apologize if I sound arrogant in the post. I was frustrated. If I really thought I was better I wouldn't have dated him in the first place.

7. I wasn't have an illusion. I feel he doesn't consider my emotional needs and he doesn't want to care. He doesn't want his peer to gossip about him dating his previous student....ok...I will start an under cover relationship although I have had a painful one in the past but I understand and I do it with him because I like him. He doesn't like to hear what i want, so I shut my mouth up and give him more space. He likes our school cafe and I hate it but I eat with him there and I pay for both of us because he likes it. If he truly likes me, won't he at least try to change a little bit to make me feel better? Why is he giving me his attitude, "love me for who I am I am not going to do what you like"

[Lipp]

Now it sounds more reasonable.

1. Isn't that what a relationship is about? People care about each other and give each other emotional support. I am not expecting him to call every other min but since it's an under cover relationship, we cannot show affection most of the time we see each other, how can I feel being loved if he doesn't even call me?

Showing affection is an issue as a whole if when you do meet you can't show it and physical presence will always be better for that than a phonecall. But either way, one of the main differences that you will find between a man and a woman is that we generally don't keep in touch unless we have something worth saying. Which is how you can trace why there would be few phonecalls and few replies. So it's a matter of whether he's doing it as much as you want to or if he's not doing it at all.

2. He always tells me what he wants, which is to go along with him being distant. And he gets mad easily.

Well, that's a compatibility issue. He's distant, you're not, and it sounds like a case of him being and introvert and you being an extrovert, which can be a good thing but also cause tension if there's not mutual respect and consideration. Anger issues are always destructive though.

3. I wasn't making the kissing a big deal. I was joking and being sweet. I was surprise he made it a big deal.

Okay, but either way, I think that many guys would find doing stuff like that to be tacky, in this case he took it seriously and disliked it. Cant really blame him for that, can't read jokes easily across the web.

4. I think so. This needs to end. He was really nice and sweet when he was chasing me, but not any more.

Yep, for one it could be an issue that now that he feels as though he no longer needs to put in much effort as he's already got you. Effort is needed for a struggling relationship, with more compatibility comes less effort, making it successful more often.

5. Really? I am serious, in the first month of relationship, don't most people at least attempt to contact each other at least once a day?

See #1. It's not something that you can take for granted.

6. well. I apologize if I sound arrogant in the post. I was frustrated. If I really thought I was better I wouldn't have dated him in the first place.

If anything a relationship will often turn out bad if you have to pull out a "Im better than you because _____!" card every so often.

7. I wasn't have an illusion. I feel he doesn't consider my emotional needs and he doesn't want to care. He doesn't want his peer to gossip about him dating his previous student....ok...I will start an under cover relationship although I have had a painful one in the past but I understand and I do it with him because I like him. He doesn't like to hear what i want, so I shut my mouth up and give him more space. He likes our school cafe and I hate it but I eat with him there and I pay for both of us because he likes it. If he truly likes me, won't he at least try to change a little bit to make me feel better? Why is he giving me his attitude, "love me for who I am I am not going to do what you like"

Some people are more receptive to change than others. If he's not, well, then the two of you have to be pretty compatible for things to work out. Obviously that's not the case. So there doesn't seem to be much hope, and never was given that it was undercover and with an age gap to begin with.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

In response to Lipp's reaction to her reaction to him not calling her in two days:

Eh, I dont see whats wrong with wanting to be contacted by your s.o. everyday. Unless something is wrong, or he's very busy at work, my boyfriend definitely would contact me. We dont talk 24 hours, but at least once a day. I think talking every couple of days is more expected when you are only in the dating stage. When you are in a relationship, honestly I think it is more expected that you have more contact with that person. Of course we both have our times we want to have alone, which happens at work, but otherwise we both look forward to seeing each other the same night and talk about our days and experiences with customers.

[steelsword]

This man is either ashamed of you or not that into you. If you want those things you mentioned, you are not going to get them from him clearly. Time to end it and find someone who will.

[lilsunflower]

In response to Lipp's reaction to her reaction to him not calling her in two days:

Eh, I dont see whats wrong with wanting to be contacted by your s.o. everyday. Unless something is wrong, or he's very busy at work, my boyfriend definitely would contact me. We dont talk 24 hours, but at least once a day. I think talking every couple of days is more expected when you are only in the dating stage. When you are in a relationship, honestly I think it is more expected that you have more contact with that person. Of course we both have our times we want to have alone, which happens at work, but otherwise we both look forward to seeing each other the same night and talk about our days and experiences with customers.

Thanks for letting me feel not weird. I was totally shocked when I knew "ppl in a relationship don't talk everyday."
He is not a noob in love, obviously he knows what will make me happy he just doesn't want to "change".

[lilsunflower]

This man is either ashamed of you or not that into you. If you want those things you mentioned, you are not going to get them from him clearly. Time to end it and find someone who will.

Thanks I feel like an unplugged laptop, I am just using whatever passion left in the battery and waiting for my relationship to be turned off.

[ecojeanne]

dump him, he's playing hard to get or he's not that in to you, either way it's not good enough. he definitely should have contacted you after you spent the night with him, he's an arsehole imo

[jacqo]

Since,he is playing the hard to get game with you.Take these steps.
1.Cut off all contact with him for awhile.Though this maybe little bit difficult for you,but,just control yourself,emotions and feelings.Stop any form of communication either call,texts,charting etc.

2.Don't be too desperate to show your love and too needy.Stay cool,hide your feelings or stop craving for more attentions.Hang out with friends,go to cineama with others.Infact let him know you are doing fine without his attention.Pls,don't be too needy.

3.Take time to find out what the cause/causes of the/these problem(s).Spending the night togther and forget to call you to tell you how sw--t you are sound stupid.A young girl like you will be very sw- - t and lovely,why such attitude? Girl.something is wrong.Find out.

There are stiil more steps.I will find time to send them to you.

[lilsunflower]

Since,he is playing the hard to get game with you.Take these steps.
1.Cut off all contact with him for awhile.Though this maybe little bit difficult for you,but,just control yourself,emotions and feelings.Stop any form of communication either call,texts,charting etc.

2.Don't be too desperate to show your love and too needy.Stay cool,hide your feelings or stop craving for more attentions.Hang out with friends,go to cineama with others.Infact let him know you are doing fine without his attention.Pls,don't be too needy.

3.Take time to find out what the cause/causes of the/these problem(s).Spending the night togther and forget to call you to tell you how sw--t you are sound stupid.A young girl like you will be very sw- - t and lovely,why such attitude? Girl.something is wrong.Find out.

There are stiil more steps.I will find time to send them to you.

Thanks jacqo,
Another day with no words from him.....I am way beyond wanting to fix this relationship.

I've been totally disappointed.
Think about it, why do I have to fix relationship with this guy knowing he doesn't want to treat me better? From now on, I will abuse my affection, which means I will not contact him first (I don't feel I miss him as much as I used to 1 month ago.), but I won't refuse to see him or talk to him online if I feel like it. Once finals are over, I will get tons of time to forget about him when I am overseas.

[Rollerderby]

Have you slept together yet?

It sounds like you need more PDA or attention than he used to giving. I understand what he's saying about "typical relationships" SOME relationships function in a certain way that only two people can work with. Most people, however, expect some kind of attention from someone if u are dating seriously.

He's your teacher. I've known a few teaching intellectuals who have weird ideas about social norms that should be broken. Doesn't mean it works for everyone, it just means they came up with their own Canon of dating do's and don'ts.

If he isn't giving you what you need, why stay? It's one thing to talk and say to someone: "This is what I need" and to kind of work through it (which would also mean you working with what he needs) but he does sound a bit harsh telling you he can't change simple things.

He just doesn't sound very affectionate, and it sounds like you need very affectionate. If your needs are incompatible, there isn't much you can do.

[Lipp]

In response to Lipp's reaction to her reaction to him not calling her in two days:

Eh, I dont see whats wrong with wanting to be contacted by your s.o. everyday. Unless something is wrong, or he's very busy at work, my boyfriend definitely would contact me. We dont talk 24 hours, but at least once a day. I think talking every couple of days is more expected when you are only in the dating stage. When you are in a relationship, honestly I think it is more expected that you have more contact with that person. Of course we both have our times we want to have alone, which happens at work, but otherwise we both look forward to seeing each other the same night and talk about our days and experiences with customers.

Thanks for letting me feel not weird. I was totally shocked when I knew "ppl in a relationship don't talk everyday."
He is not a noob in love, obviously he knows what will make me happy he just doesn't want to "change".

Keeping in touch often isn't wrong, but to throw a fit after its given as a rare occurrence of 2 days rather than daily sure is.

[ecojeanne]

Keeping in touch often isn't wrong, but to throw a fit after its given as a rare occurrence of 2 days rather than daily sure is.

under normal relationship circumstances i would agree, however they spent the night together for the first time, it's bullshit not to at least send a text, if i was in the same shoes i would feel used and now he's had his bit he's not making the effort, fck that! he needs to be dumped, even if he is playing hard to get it soo the wrong moment to be playing hard to get. i don't respond well to games tbh. i cut them out of my life, full stop!