About to be Married... Thinking of Ex

[Deflated]

I feel pretty dead to myself right now.

I'm going to be married extremely soon to an incredibly sweet and well-deserving man. He's the light of my life - my best friend. But that's just it; he really is just a friend that I hug and kiss sometimes. I am physically attracted to him, but I think being with him sometimes is more like the rush of doing something I'm not supposed to be doing, than it is something that feels right. He's very successful and stable, but his attitude can be largely negative, and I feel as though he always expects the worst from me; like my intentions are never sound. I find myself hiding things from him for no reason. I feel that I want out. But I'm tired of wanting out. Because I think it's just a tendency I have in every relationship I've been in - that I never want to stay. I thought maybe I could just learn to love someone for real this time. We've been in pre-marital counseling, and had some really good advice, that I think will help us if we work on it. But I feel so lethargic about working on it. We have a good friendship, and I really do care for him, but we do not naturally "connect".

My mind keeps going back to my ex. I have dated a few men in the past, but only my first (my high-school sweetheart, if you will), can I really say I ever connected with. Truly. We would spend hours just lying together, talking, sleeping, enjoying each other. We were on the exact same wavelength. We knew what the other person was thinking, and how everything made the other feel. He expected nothing but the best from me, and was the most encouraging person I have ever known. But high school is messy and emotional, and so I left for college, and left him behind. And we couldn't be friends. Not after being so close, so intimate. He started seeing someone else, and I had seen a couple of people.

And now I'm about to be married, and all I want is that feeling. Was it something I could only experience with that person? Will I ever feel that with my husband-to-be? Can it be learned? If we work hard enough, will we truly connect on the same level that I connected with that boy with once before? It all seems so impossible right now.

Thanks for hearing me out.

[vashti]

You are hoping to match the passion of a high school kid's first love as an adult? I think you are being unrealistic.

That said, I think that since you want out (your words), you have no business marrying this man. You say he is "deserving"... what does that mean to you, anyway? Does he deserve to be married to someone who wants out before walking down the aisle? Poor guy.

[TJDVAN]

^ I largely agree with the above, although I think you can expect to feel the same high again despite being older.

Marriage means different things to different people, but whichever side you fall on, your wedding day should fill you with happiness as it should be the day you stand up in front of your friends and family and tell them all that the man this is the person you have chosen to stand by for the rest of your life.

Being cold and hard, it doesn't sound as if your fiance is that person. I have had two major relationships in my life (I ended up leaving one of my girlfriends and breaking her heart to be with the other, who has not log ago broken mine), and would probably have expected a marriage to work with either of them. Yet it never crossed my mind to propose to either because I was waiting to feel that "Yes" inside me that I believe with all my heart we all feel when we meet someone we should always be with. I never did, so I never asked. The way you describe your situation suggests you do not feel that "Yes'" or even that "Probably", but more of a "No".

Good luck whatever you do, but it sounds as though you already know what you should be doing here.

PS: One other thing - have you considered that maybe your partner is "negative" because you two don't gel together quite right? It is not necessarily always the kindest thing to stay with someone because they love you, even if they are unable to see things being better without you.