Married but thinking of someone else. HELP

[Jazzist]

Hey everyone.

I've been (happily) married for 3 years now, and expecting our first child in a few months.

Until recently, my wife's cousin and I were on formal terms, seeing each other on family occasions etc.

But for the past few months or so, we have been talking a lot more (text and phone), discussing personal issues, revealing secrets, and even saw each other alone a few times.

Although there are no intentions to turn this into a relationship or even an affair, but I have grown very attached to her, and we even (jokingly or not) discussed how it would have been if I wasn't married we would have been right for each other.

I'm now living a dual life... I'm not intending to ruin this friendship but at the same time I feel confused as to what I should do... should I cut back and take it down? I don't see this as ending well if we ruin it to impulses.

My head tells me that there is no chance to be with this person, and divorce is not an option since there aren't any huge problems, that there is a kid on the way, and that the person is related to my wife.

Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated! Thanks.

[misombra]

The cousin is a douche and so are you.

[Rowen]

Forget the cousin. Furthermore, the fact that you are even doing this just shows how much the two of you respect your wife. How do you think she would feel if she found out you two were nice and chumming up to each other talking about if you WEREN'T married? Do you think she'd be all happy-happy-joy-joy knowing her man is slipping it close with her cousin?

My guess is not. This is the twenty first century. Grow some balls, and be faithful. If you don't, you're not ready to be in any kind of relationship.

Tell the cousin this isn't right and goodbye. That's it. End of story. And next time CONSIDER HOW SOMEONE ELSE WOULD FEEL instead of your own twisted desires.

I know I'm blunt, but you know I'm right.

[michelle23]

You broke the golden rule here by getting too close to someone else. That is called an emotional affair. It is a delusion, a fantasy and an escape from reality. Perhaps you are struggling emotionally to come to terms with the new baby. This is unhealthy and you need to cut all contact. Stop thinking the grass is greener- it rarely ever is and focus on your wife and why you love her and your new baby. 99times out of 100this ends in tears if u continue and i guarantee you, you will end up hating yourself and missing your wife if you end up on the other side of the fence. Your wife is pregnant and vulnerable and prob feeling insecure and she needs you now prob more than she ever has. Be a man and stay strong and dont take her for granted. You will lose everything and regret it for the rest of your life if you do. Right now you are only seeing the good sides of ger cousin and you are probably infatuated by her. But there is bad and ugly to everyone and you wont realize this about her until its too late. I suggest you grow a pair and tell her now to back off. You are playing with fire. If u do this to your wife you will destroy her and you will end up hating yourself and her cousin for that.

[michelle23]

Also u loved your wife enough to marry her and start a family with her. You will prob never find someone else who means so much to you. You are prob at the stage of unconditional love with your wife. Why the hell would you think about throwing real love away just to start all over again in stage 1 with someone else. You have crossed a line here and you are completely in the wrong. I suggest you get some counselling and learn from this mistake now and dont ever put yourself in this situation again. You should never ever get this close to another women- it is exactly how affairs start. You should recognize any threat to your marriage and avoid it. Im guessing you are probably insecure if you cant see what you have and are actually thinking about throwing it down the toilet. Ill say it once more STOP this now before you lose the only women you have probably ever really loved

[michelle23]

If i was your wife and i knew about this, i would kick you out by the way. Just because nothing physical has happened does not mean you are not cheating. Emotionaly you are cheating. How would you feel if you found out your wife was texting your cousin all the time and talki.g on the phone. What if she went and had a drink alone with him and told him personal things that she would normally only tell you. What uf she said she wishes she never met you so she could marry him and have his baby. What if she was sitting n the couch right now fantacizing about him? I hope im getting through here! Imagine if you came home today and allher stuff is gone, you dont no where she is and have no way of contacting her. She has left you for someone else and is not coming back. Hopefully the thought of all this will be enough to knock some sense into you

[bcgirl]

You need to stop contact with this cousin pronto. Your emotions and infatuation is escalating and can get very out of control if you don't stop now. You are married and have a baby on the way. Time to smarten up.

[pcmaster]

Its good to have a friend just make sure you have nothing to hide from your wife and as long as you stay clean its great.

[bcgirl]

Its good to have a friend just make sure you have nothing to hide from your wife and as long as you stay clean its great.

Friends don't have crushes on each other. This hasn't turned out to be a healthy friendship what so ever. Try telling your wife about to have your child "hey I got a huge crush on your cousin. We've talked about how great we were for each other except for the part where I'm married to you". We will see how that goes....
Sorry pc... Bad advice

[Jazzist]

I appreciate all the honest answers. Just want to clarify that we are not interested in each other, just close friends. And while yes we do joke around etc but the notion of infidelity was never implied and there no bad intentions.

[michelle23]

I appreciate all the honest answers. Just want to clarify that we are not interested in each other, just close friends. And while yes we do joke around etc but the notion of infidelity was never implied and there no bad intentions.

But this is how it starts Jazzist. Why would you be writing here if you are not doing anything wrong? Deep down you know that this is not a platonic friendship. You even mentioned divorcing your wife if it were possible. Why would a happily married man with a baby on the way even think about divorce?? Its because you have your head in the clouds and your infatuated by your wife's cousin. You felt that way about your wife when you first met her but that infatuation for your wife grew into something much deeper. There is a 1% chance that will happen with the cousin. Please wake up here. I know men who acted on this and ended up completely suicidal when they finally came back down to earth and realized what a fool they had been. Will it take losing your wife, your baby and your home for you to wake up? Or are you going to stop this now?

[michelle23]

This happens a lot when a women gets pregnant. I think it is probably because you are looking for an escape from reality. It is a major RED FLAG in your marriage and WILL end in divorce if you continue this. Look up the "stages of a relationship" and "thinking the grass is greener". Here are a few examples for you:

http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Regret-Having-An-Emotional-Affair/2242451
http://www.helium.com/items/1929989-do-people-regret-affairs
http://affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/why-couples-fail-after-affair-pt3-unfaithful-spouse-notgettingit
http://voices.yahoo.com/the-emotional-psychological-damage-having-an-8446727.html
http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110402100741AAcrSfL

[Jazzist]

Deep down you know that this is not a platonic friendship. You even mentioned divorcing your wife if it were possible.

I didn't mention that I would, I just said we talked in passing how we would have been if I wasn't married. I even mentioned divorce is not an option. She just makes me feel good about myself and not being all serious talks about bills etc at home. I guess it's just a breather from reality.

[michelle23]

I didn't mention that I would, I just said we talked in passing how we would have been if I wasn't married. I even mentioned divorce is not an option. She just makes me feel good about myself and not being all serious talks about bills etc at home. I guess it's just a breather from reality.

Ive given you all the advice I can here. If you choose to continue this you are being selfish and it is wrong.

[Jazzist]

Thanks for the links, I'll look through them