Need help, long time relationship on the rocks

[HurtInOntario]

After reading some posts here, I'm looking for some help as i might be able to get some.

So here is the backstory. We started dating over 6 years ago, and had been living together for 6 years. It has been the most wonderful relationship, one that a few of my friends who are married were jealous of. We never fought, and if we did they were more disagreements then fights, have the same interests, liked pretty much doing everything that the other person liked. She always made more money then I did, as she worked a good paying job where I was trying to find consistent work as a cook. She said it was no problem contributing more in rent, as long as I did extra housework and cook meals. It was a good arrangement for both of us I think.

About 4 years ago, I landed a really good job and was making equal wages to what she was bringing in, and we were contributing the same amount of money. About a year after that, I got ill to the point where I needed surgery, and lost my job. She also lost her job around this time. I went back to school with a student loan that was pretty much used to pay the bills for the next 4 months. The course wasn't right for me, and I left to find work. She had found employment by this time as well, but it was not at the same pay or enjoyment for her. We still continued having great times, with her once again paying the majority of the rent and myself helping around the house.

Around this time, her mother moved in with us to help us pay bills as she decided that she wanted to return to college. I was going through some rough times in finding steady employment, going from one contract to another until I finally landed a good job about 8 months later. She left the city on a work term, living 6 hours away for 4 months. We talked every day via webcam, and seen each other for a weekend about once a month. This was a really trying time on the relationship, but we made it work.

When she returned, I started probing about marriage, and she said she didn't really want to ever get married. I lost my job once again when the place I worked went out of business, and went through a rough time finding a job. About 6 months after I lost the job, the unemployment cheques stopped rolling in, and she took care of the bills for a few months until I found another job. I managed to find something, and took care of the bills for two months as a repayment, leaving absolutely nothing for myself. I returned to the same college she was attending shortly after, in Jan 10, while still working over 30 hours a week to pay for schooling, but my payments for bills were less then they had been due to having to pay for school while she had loans.

I had been very supporting the whole time she was in school, helping her study for exams, doing extra house work etc. When I returned to school, I didn't have much time to do much of this work, and the cleanliness of the house started to suffer quite a bit. She started calling me a slob etc, even though she had more time to do the housework then I did, as she was not working outside of her work terms, but was contributing more for bills. I had assumed that she was fine with this up to this point, but I could tell it was starting to wear on her. I did what I could, making meals and cutting out alot of the stuff I did in my spare time to spend more time with her.

This past summer is when I noticed things starting to get a bit stressful. We wouldn't have sex unless she had been drinking, which was about twice a month. i started having some ED issues, which I contributed to the amount of stress I was under, but I always wondered if there was something else. I found out recently that early in the summer she went off birth control. I've seen studies that claim that BC can change what a woman is attracted to.

In October, I lost my job and had very little saved up as I had just finished paying off my fall term. It was unexpected, so I didn't really had anything prepared to save. She was also starting to run out of funds, and had to get an additional loan to pay the bills. I am a good student, and was expecting to land a good job for my work term. After numerous interviews, I was unable to land a position. I didn't really go out looking for other employment as I was pretty certain that I'd land a job for the start of Janurary, and school work load was becoming almost unbareable. She was finishing up her course, and did so with the top grades in her class.

She has been unable to find a job, and I pretty much went into relaxation mode around the holidays that lingered into Janurary. It wasn't until about a week after new years that I decided to go out and look for a regular job. And of course, that is probably one of the worst times to find employment. I had to make a large payment on my old student loan that I had gotten a few years ago, and didn't realise I had spent the money I had set aside for Feburary rent. I scrambled big time, selling some things of mine to try to get enough money, but couldn't come up with enough. I told her in the middle of the month that I was worried that I wasn't going to have money for rent. I had still been out every day looking for one, but nothing came in. She also had been spending time going to interviews but couldn't land one.

Over the holidays, I also purchased a ring to propose to her. I was just looking for the right time to do it. I had made big plans this past Saturday, booking reservations at a nice restaurant, and etc. In the morning, I told her that I was going to take her out for dinner. She went out for her morning run, and after she got back, she sat me down and broke up with me. I was devistated (not like I still am not now), and couldn't believe what was happening.

She said that when school finished, she had alot of time to think about the relationship, and that she needed to break up, and threw me out of our place. She was ticked off that I haven't "grown up", and that I haven't contributed as much as she has to bills. I explained to her that I had been doing extra house work in that time, and she said it wasn't good enough. In the post breakup argument, that was probably the only time we've really been screaming at each other the entire relationship, she said that she still 'Loved me and will always love me', but she doesn't think that she wants to be with me, or anybody for a long time. And that she needs space. She also said that even if we do ever get back together, that she doesn't want to live with me again for a long time if ever. She also said she sees no future for us, and that is why she needed to break it off. And that she felt that things were 'as good as they will get, and won't get better'. I know things were probably as rough as they've gotten.

I lost my mind. I bawled so hard for the rest of the day until I finally left in the evening. She would cuddle up with me and say that she was sorry and that she needed to do it for her own happiness. I tried reasoning with her, but when its in a situation like that, logic doesn't work. When I left, I went to my parents place across the city, and couldn't sleep until Sunday night. I was vomiting, had cold sweats and shakes. Late Saturday night I was depressed to the point where I was considering suicide and called her up to try and talk things through. I did get some answers to some things, and once again she stressed that she isn't happy, and that she needs some time to decide as she didn't realise how much I cared for her.

We talked at length when I went over there on Monday to get my stuff. I had worries that she was attracted to one of her friends that is moving across the country for a job, but she insists she isn't interested in him or anybody else. It calmed me, but I was still confused. She also said her sex drive has been much higher since she went off birth control, but like I said, the only time she would sleep with me is when she was intoxicated. I didn't sleep at all on Monday night, just continued to bawl and try to contact her. I asked about the birth control thing, and asked if she would be willing to go back on it to see if that was the issue, and she is refusing. I went out Tuesday morning to try and find a job, but was still losing my mind. I ended up walking for 3 hours across the city in below freezing tempatures, as I just needed to see her, and to 'prove' how much I care. As crazy as it sounds, it was the best thing for me, it allowed me to clear my head. I was calm when I did see her, which really has been for the first time since Saturday morning I had felt any peace.

We had a good chat, but whenever I tried to express how I felt, she started saying that she didn't want to hear any 'romantic BS'. It was tearing up my gut, because I wanted to say something so passionate, but knew she didn't want to hear it, so kept it in as much as I could. I left there, and we talked on the phone last night. I told her that I wasn't going to see her for awhile, giving her some space finally. But she still wants to keep in contact with me even though she isn't seeing me..

Ok.. TLDR I know, sorry.

So here is the issue that I'm looking for some help with. I know that not seeing me at all will help, but is staying in contact right now a bad thing? I'm afraid things will end up going into the 'friend mode' if I continue having convo's with her, without being allowed to express how I feel. She is my best friend and my lover, and myself (and the law) consider her my wife. It's so difficult when the only person you feel you can share what you feel is the one that put you in that situation.

We're both in our early 30's. I've asked if we can go to some kind of relationship therapy, but she isn't interested.

Should I cut off all contact until after this weekend, or should I wait until she gets back to me? I want to make plans for Valentines Day with her, or maybe surprise her with dinner. or if not, I know there is a good chance we will see each other 3 days later at a mutual friends musical performance. I want to do this so I'm not around and she actually misses me, but I don't know if I will be able to cope either. Or if being there to support her would be the better thing for us.

I know I made alot of mistakes in this relationship up to this point, but I am willing and trying to make the changes that I feel I need to make.

I'm looking for mature solutions to this problem. A female perspective would also be helpful.

This is the most painful thing I've ever dealt with in my life. Sudden death of a close friend didn't sting as bad as this.

[HurtInOntario]

An update to see if I'm going in the right direction..

I arranged a talk with her last night. We talked for about 40 minutes in total.

I told her that I wanted to break contact and to give her he space she wants. I told her she is welcome to call, but I said only if there is something to talk about, and not just calling for the sake of catching up. I told her that it wasn't to make her miss me, but that I needed to get things in order and be happy being myself and being independant from her, and that even if she wanted me back, I would still need that time to figure 'Me' out now, and that if she wants me to respect that she needs this break, then she needs to respect this. I think she was kinda taken aback by this, but agreed and thinks it is for the best for both of us.

She said she was planning on inviting myself out to take our dog to the park this weekend. He's a 1 year old 'puppy' that is constantly barking when I'm not around now. I informed her that I don't know if I'm interested unless she has something to say, although I would like to be able to take him to the park myself or for a walk. She doesn't seem too thrilled with that idea, and is worried that I won't give him back (which is insane, as currently he can't stay where I am due to allergies, and I'm not that heartless).

There is also a job fair at the college next week that we both had planned on attending. I told her she is welcome to invite me to go with her still, but if she doesn't, I will pretend she doesn't exist if I happen to see her there.

I told her I may go to our friends show, although if I don't feel I'm ready to talk, I won't attend. I do plan on attending, but I'm also not going to be the first person in the door. I kinda want her to wonder if I'm going to show. I also feel like I'm kinda obligated, as like I said, she tends to feel the need to have sex when she is drunk, and if I am not there for her the next two weeks, she will get lonely and probably will do something she regrets. If she does ask me to go home with her, my plan is either to walk her to the front door if she hasn't said anything and turn around, or sleep on the couch until she is sober. M y biggest concern right now over the 'no contact' is that she is going to get lonely, and the first guy that hits on her if she gets overly drunk, she will go home with. I know I can't control her, nor will I stop her if thats what she does. But I think if she is lonely, she will most likely go to somebody she feels safe with. If that isn't me, then I walk away that night and not look back.

We continued to talk some things about the relationship, and I got some answers out of her. She said she had felt a couple of times in the past few weeks that she should end it, and on Saturday when I asked her out to dinner she was upset that I was going to spend money on dinner that we didn't have. She didn't know but I had been given some gift certificates there from the owner as a Christmas gift as we had worked together in the past. I told her this, and that I had been saving them for a special occasion, and she responded with 'Oh', and a long silence. She said she has felt numb since she did it and she still doesn't understand why she has done it, or if it is really what she wants as she can't think about it.

We also talked about how when we had time apart when she was away for work, that she really liked it there, and didn't want to come back to this city. She feels bogged down by me and wants to find a career in a place she wants to live, as she already turned down one job on the other side of the country, because she thought the relationship would end right there if she took the job. With going into the IT field, I'll have opertunities wherever I live, and explained that I'd be willing to make it work if she did go away, and would even consider transfering schools to do that, which she also sounded surprized at. I told her I wasn't bogged down by having to stay here if she didn't want to.

I didn't mention anything about Valentines day. It's still a little bit away, but a bit conflicted at this point as to what I should do. I guess I should give it time and take it when it comes, but at this point I want to just sit at home or go to a friends place if I'm not working by then. Although it will be incredibly difficult for me to not see her or call her, I think it may be best if she is alone on that day too if she hasn't contacted me by then.

I told her I'm not going to wait forever, and that if she hasn't called me in a month or so to have a logical conversation about this, then I will have have no choice but to move on and what happens, happens. I don't want to give her an ultimatum, but I feel 4 weeks is a resonable amount of time for somebody that just decided to end things on a whim. I'm already starting to be concerned that I couldn't give my heart to her like I have in the past after this situation, but did not mention that as I'm still not sure of it myself.

What I'm dealing with now, is trying to think of bad memories when I'm trying to forget her - and having a really hard time remembering any bad memories with her, or things that I really didn't like about her.

/end vent

[Kaius]

Money and stability seem to be the biggest issues. I don't know why she would live with you for 6 years and don't ever plan to get married. The 7-year hump is very typical for married people, and since you have been living the married life for more than 6 years, it's time to expect reconsideration. It's time to move on. Relationships don't recover when it's beyond repair. You can't force her to be with you. That's it.

[HurtInOntario]

Money and stability seem to be the biggest issues. I don't know why she would live with you for 6 years and don't ever plan to get married. The 7-year hump is very typical for married people, and since you have been living the married life for more than 6 years, it's time to expect reconsideration. It's time to move on. Relationships don't recover when it's beyond repair. You can't force her to be with you. That's it.

how it is beyond repair if I may ask?

[Kaius]

There are too many conflicts in place. Yes couples fight, but this is a series of unhappiness that clearly shows you two are better off without each other.
Why force it?

[HurtInOntario]

There are too many conflicts in place. Yes couples fight, but this is a series of unhappiness that clearly shows you two are better off without each other.
Why force it?

Didn't once say we were unhappy. We were quite happy. There were some issues, but they were always resolved. We didn't fight, just went through hard times that couples go through, but we were always there for each other.

[Kaius]

If communication was so smooth and things get resolved, there wouldn't be any issues. Why would you think relationship was on the rocks if everything were so peachy?
You have to ask yourself if you and the woman are at the same level in this relationship, and whether each is willing to give up equally for the benefit of staying together.

[Darkest Heaven]

It's very unfortunate that somebody can just stop feeling a certain way about their partner, but that's what humans do. I've never done it, but it's been done to me. Done isn't the right word, she isn't doing this TO hurt you, but it's not an accident either. "You killed our love, you made it this way" etc etc are things I've heard before.

I'd like to believe love is something no one person can kill. Whatever your issues were, she is done trying to solve them. Did the issues alter her feelings for you and ultimately caused her to break it off? I'm sure they had a hand. But as a whole, she seems to feel like you two grew in different directions and she can no longer be happy with you.

Wrong or right, justified or not, that's how she feels. And while changing the whole world is arguebly possibly, somebody's feelings, you can't change.

[JadenMia]

So, i am not an expert on relationships, but i will give you advice to the best of my abilities!

As a woman, the more a man begs, pleads and promises.. The more i tend to back off from them. I LOVE my partner, we broke up for a month last year.. And all he did was bawl, plead with me to be with him, and try make things work and it really did just scare me away.. I did want to be with him deep down, but i had some serious doubts about us, and i needed time to myself and to think about the feelings i was experiencing. She obviously has huge doubts about you two being together, and really does need time by herself, alone and not hear *anything* from you.. at all.

It may be she just cant be with you anymore due to her unhappiness, break-ups dont just come out of the blue i have figured out.. So whether she is completely done with you, or really needs time to be alone.. You must not talk to her or contact her. She can contact you right? Let her..

Im sorry this is happening to you, i really did feel your pain just reading this
I wish you good luck with all this, be strong. Just remember, everything does happen for a reason!