Need help getting that connection back

[Business]

Two years ago, I met a woman who I connected with in days closer than I ever connected with anyone else. We really understood each other and had a chemistry I never felt with anyone else. We spent more than a year as each other's best friend when I couldn't stand it anymore--- I had to tell her that I loved her. She felt the same way and we started our now 11-month relationship. No problems getting along, or anything. Our only troubles in the relationship have been from external stressors--- illness in the family, etc., until now. It has been a positive relationship that has made both of us grow and learn about ourselves.

Just for some background, I grew up with negative feelings about sex--- dirty and wrong to feel pleasure, and so on. This is my first adult relationship and at the beginning of our relationship, guilt would overwhelm me during each sexual encounter. Our sex life improved dramtically once I wasn't so disabled but guilt and shame. Sex was really great for a few months but then I started to get frustrated--- neither my partner nor I have been able to make me orgasm. This, compounded by the fact that I still have some feelings of shame about sex and sexuality. Girlfriend has been very understanding.

We have gone through a rough rough period over the past month or so. As a result of some big changes in my life over the past year and a challenging relationship with my family, I have developed anxiety. In my periods of anxiety, I started to worry that I did not love my girlfriend anymore and that I wasn't attracted to her. After weeks of therapy, I am able to function normally again, with much less anxiety. My therapist seemed to think that our relationship was healthy and that anxiety was the problem more than anything.

However, now that I am mostly safely on the other side of this anxious patch, I feel disconnected with my girlfriend and much less attracted to her. It's like seeing her without my so called "rose colored" glasses for the first time. I still love being around her, cuddling her, kissing her but I feel an emptiness where that attraction used to be.

It's not that I wasn't ever attracted to her. I was so attracted to her for such a long time and now it isn't there anymore. I think she is the most beautiful girl in the world, smart, we make each other laugh. I want to crave sex with her and am not anymore. (Just FYI, I'm not craving sex with anyone else either. The stress and anxiety have really deadened my sex drive)

Because this is my first relationship, I just can't tell--- is this lack of attraction from anxiety? Is it from my guilt and shame about sex? Or is the problem that I am not attracted to my girlfriend anymore?

Any suggestions on how to jump beyond these worries and get those feelings back? It's not fair to my girlfriend to stay in a relationship with me if I can never get these feelings of attraction back but also, I am loathe to through away a relationship with an absolutely amazing girl if my problem is just bad feelings about sex generally.

[Feonixbrimstone]

ok im going to adress these problems seprately then together.

Firstly the attraction. try to remember what it was about her that really made you connect with her. was it her personality, her openness, her shyness, etc. try to remember what it was that really made you fall for her. and if it was not knowing about her and now that you know all you know about her i don't know what else to say. and it is probbaly also in your mind as well. you have so much on your mind like the (disgustingness of sex to you at least) and the fact that maybe you view her as disgusting because of that. im going off what you are telling me.

secondly the sex. try to be more spontaneous be exploratory. try role playing toys different positions. and this may sound crazy but a finger up the butt inst out of the question either. Sorry but its true that the ass is a erogenous zone even on guys. also may i ask are you catholic or have you seen things that put you off sex? if there are you need to address them not repress them. you have her to help you through these things. sex is a natural thing and a wonderful process. you need to not think of sex as dirty and disgusting.


finally Be completely truthful to yourself and don't push back a thought you have because its unsightly or unfathomable. address what your mind is telling you and you may just find what it is you are having problems with.

[Business]

Feonixbrimstone- I like your idea of getting back to that first attraction. A lot of the reason I was attracted to her was I thought that she was so cool! After getting to know each other so well, I know that's not the case (lol, I'm not so "cool" either) but the reasons I thought she was so cool--- confidence, intelligence, humor are still there, and perhaps even more so. I was attracted to the mystery about her but a lot of that mystery was gone after we were friends for a year.

I agree though, about the sex part. I don't find sex with her disgusting but the feelings of shame have def. tinted our sex life.

I guess I left out a big piece of information--- I'm a girl!
Sorry, it is just something I never thought about mentioning, though it is a pretty big part of the issue. Yes, I'm a girl and I'm dating a girl who helped me realize that I was *not* straight. I am Catholic, so yes, that has been a big part of the bad feelings I have had in this relationship!

Secondly, the large source of anxiety that I have had has roots in that, by coming out, I lost a close relationship with a lot of friends and my parents. I think that in some way, I am putting some resentment on my girl for "causing" me such a hard hard year--- though I don't regret coming out or falling in love with her one bit!

[Feonixbrimstone]

I guess I left out a big piece of information--- I'm a girl!

then i guess my butt thing was a little out of place though it still applies.
and yea i belive the same thing here but there is one other thing i shoudl let you know.

Whoever disapproves has no right to god priests parents. it doesn't matter
If they want to ruin your happiness then they have no right to be a major part of your life.

what does your heart tell you and then what does you mind say in retaliation? whatever you heart feels and your mind says you need to think why do i think like that. You were sociololized to think sex was dirty even bewteen a man and a women and you were told that gay sex is an abominitation. Well do you believe that? i doubt it.

Just because it was preached for so long doesn't mean its true.

I have one last piece of wisdom for you.
Think about this "what if death isn't what they say it is at all? all pearly gates and that jibberdy jabberdy. what if god really is a threed headed women with breasts the size of mountains? what if god is just a little puppy who accepts everyone no matter what? or what if there is no god just blackness? Wouldn't you rather live a life where you can die smiling saying i have no regrets and face any out come or die just to find out that death isnt what they say it is and regret not doing what felt right and not what others pushed you to belive?" i'm not dissing everyone religion im just saying think about it for a minute. what if you regret something you did now later in life?

i hope this helps