Do I give up on her? Please help!

[supremebenj]

I've liked a girl for a few years and she's always known but has never entertained the idea of boyfriends. Over the years I'd asked if I could take her out and she always rejected me until a few months ago. So we met up a couple of times and all went well, nothing too heavy just getting to know each other better. I started feeling pretty good about things and got quite optimistic until one day she told me, "I don't want you to think I want a relationship or that i'll want one anytime soon." It gutted me, but I told her that even if there was the slightest chance then I would carry on and try and change her mind. So we carried on, only we see less of each other now (a month or so later) then we did then. The only times I see her is when I work (in a bar) and despite asking her on a weekly basis to meet up we never do. She has told me many times that she has feelings for me and her closest friend tells me to just be patient and all will come good.

Tonight I got really fed up and told her we should just go back to being friends, I got sick of feeling like a comfort blanket and having to convince myself that it will lead anywhere. She reacted saying she's really upset but its my decision and she won't stop me as much as it hurts her. She told me she's always cared about me but said all along that she didn't deserve the affection I gave her and it's her fault. I told her i'd only stop believing that i could change her mind if she told me there was 100% no chance of a relationship and if she just opens up a bit more I think we could ber really good together. She replied by saying nothing is ever 100% but if we were to carry on and it didn't work then I'd end up hating her.

So in a nutshell I'm crazy about her, she thinks a lot of me and doesn't want it to end now but understands why it may have to. She's convinced she won't want a relatonship in the near future but her closest friend manintains the idea that if I keep trying and be patient then I will succeed. I can't understand why she won't make the effort to spend time with me and subsequently wonder why we should carry on (as much as I want it to work) when I only get to see her at work and her only explaination is "it's not that I don't want to see you, it's just that we want different things so I don't think we should see each other too often." So, is she scared of getting close to me? What does she gain out of the situation apart from some attention and nice words from me? I know I don't get anything out of it and its not fair in all honesty. I know she has a bad past with relationships which is also a big factor but i'm so totally confused and would appreciate some advice.

She is nearing 20 and im 21. She loves to go out drinking on the weekends just as you'd expect, which is how I met her. She's not even slightly promiscuous, I've seen her kiss two guys in 3 years so I don't think its down to that so I'm just lost.

If anybody needs any more information please do not hesitate to ask. Apologies for the long read and thank you in advance for any advice.

[lavalamp777]

You've basically proclaimed your feelings for her, and she doesn't feel the same way about you. I would say move on, do your own thing, talk to other girls. In the meantime if she comes around, great, but you aren't in a relationship, you have no obligation to wait for her. I know that it's difficult letting someone you really like go, but it needs to be done. One sided feelings/relationships suck.

[supremebenj]

You've basically proclaimed your feelings for her, and she doesn't feel the same way about you. I would say move on, do your own thing, talk to other girls. In the meantime if she comes around, great, but you aren't in a relationship, you have no obligation to wait for her. I know that it's difficult letting someone you really like go, but it needs to be done. One sided feelings/relationships suck.

Thanks for the reply.

I'm not so sure it's to do with the feelings to be honest. In the times I've got confused and have spoken to her friend, she's told me that she really does have feelings for me and i'm the first guy she's known her to like in this way for years. The girl has told me these things herself too.

The trouble is i'm torn between thinking she just has barriers up because she's scared of being hurt or that she just genuinely doesn't want any form of commitment due to her age and wanting freedom. Is she wanting me around in some capacity but also protecting herself from getting too deep?

I feel that if I give up now the barriers will come crashing down again and all the trust she has built up in me will disappear. I think i'll just get that overwhelming feeling that it might be too early to stop and that I should maybe just ride it out a bit longer as hard as it may be?

[lavalamp777]

That's your call. Women work in mysterious ways. The reasons for her acting the way she is can be so many. Like you said it could be her age/freedom. It could be fear of commitment. It could also be another guy in the picture that you have no clue about. Did you sit down with her and have a real heart to heart? The answers she is giving you are pretty shady from what I can see, no real reason of why she doesn't want to be with you. I wish I could give you some better advice lol, I'm dealing with a similar but different situation with my current gf, not really getting straight answers either...

[smackie9]

sounds like friends zone to me. Sometimes they get confused because they are so emotionally attached but can't understand why there is no sexual attraction, so they go out on some dates to see if that will work....and guess what it doesn't. sexual attraction in the majority of cases is something that happens instantly...so many in the friends zone try to push the attraction but it's just a waste of time. Don't listen to the friend...they don't know what they are talking about. Don't be someones emotional tampon......move on and find someone that doesn't require so much bull s hit to get things started.