A confusing "long distance relationship"

[StellarGirl]

Ugh! I've honestly never had a guy go so back and forth on me in my life. It's so frustrating to talk to him sometimes. Not actually because of him, just the extremely mixed messages that he sends. Just a little background. I met him will he was stationed with the Army in the next city. Didn't talk but once or twice, but now he's back home. We talk every night usually for about 1-2 hours, sometimes as much as 7. He's told me a hundred times that he would be together if we were closer. He makes random comments sometimes about "I'm gonna marry you girl" or he can see us a few years from now married with kids. We've had plans to see each other for a few days twice that have gotten screwed up and he gets upset when it happens. Even more so with the last one. He gets kinda strange if I mention other guys. He's come out a couple of times and told me that he really likes me, misses me, etc. Then in the same conversations he's flat out told me that he's a commitment phobe. That relationships and the L word scare him. So, I finally got the courage to send him a text telling him that I really liked him, but that I was kinda confused and scared too. He never answered it, but kept calling me as usual. So, I asked if it freaked him out and he told me again about the whole commitment thing.

As far the idea of sex goes, its confusing too. I made a joke once about he needed to get some b/c he was cranky. He was kinda at a lost and was acting like he wanted me to care if he slept with someone else and not want him to. Then he hinted that he would care if I did, but that he didn't feel he had the right to stop me since we're not technically together.

I just don't get this guy. I really like him and he's told me he likes me. But I don't know how to act or what in hell is going through that head of his? What he considers us? Any help guys?

[Gigabitch]

How does someone in the Army have seven hours a night to be on the phone? Or is he "home" meaning he's done with the Army?

Anyway, that's not the important part. The part I'm concerned about is that he seems to have at least two personalities going. How does a commitmentphobe make statements about marriage?

My gut instinct is to tell you to run.

[MP105]

Honestly, it sounds to me like he wants to be exclusive but is afraid that you'll say no if he asks because of the long distance

He also seems very clingy if he's talking about marriage and how he likes you a lot when you guys aren't even in a real relationship yet... on the other hand, maybe he is just developing strong feelings for you and wants you to know that since he cannot be there in person.

[Junket]

You've pointed out everything that's wrong with this guy.

He knows that if he expresses extreme jealous/controlling behavior, he'll set you a flight, but apparently he's not that in control of his words/actions.

I would avoid this dude, he's trying to get you on the back burner, military dudes seem to enjoy the idea of having a girl waiting for them. I say you go get laid then tell him about it just to rub it in his face.

[Mish]

As far the idea of sex goes, its confusing too. I made a joke once about he needed to get some b/c he was cranky. He was kinda at a lost and was acting like he wanted me to care if he slept with someone else and not want him to. Then he hinted that he would care if I did, but that he didn't feel he had the right to stop me since we're not technically together.

I just don't get this guy. I really like him and he's told me he likes me. But I don't know how to act or what in hell is going through that head of his? What he considers us? Any help guys?

It sounds like he wants to keep you close, but not too close. For some reason he doesn't want you to think that you're in a relationship even though he might have suggested it a few times. It seems to me like he's keeping you at arms length. It could be because of the distance, some people don't want to get into relationships because the distance makes relationships hard to manage, sometimes unbearable.

[StellarGirl]

You've pointed out everything that's wrong with this guy.

Not really wrong, just confusing.

And to the other question about 7 hours. He's in his home state, but we've talked til almost 5 am before. He still works.

Thanks for the opinions guys. Unfortunately I've thought about all of them so I'm still a little confused, but will update when something else happens

[Junket]

I don't see what's to be confused about.

You must enjoy the drama and too many women fall for.

[StellarGirl]

I don't see what's to be confused about.

You must enjoy the drama and too many women fall for.

Haha. No. I'm just trying to figure things out so I can make the right choice and NOT fall for some bs that a guy might feed me.

[Junket]

Haha. No. I'm just trying to figure things out so I can make the right choice and NOT fall for some bs that a guy might feed me.

Okay, instead of trying to decipher his motives, what are your motives?

How far away do you guys live?

Do you visit each other?

If not, is there enough mutual interest, and resources, to visit each other?

Do you want a committed relationship?

Do you want a non-committed relationship, (and would he be able to tolerate that kind of relationship)?

I'm more confused as to why you're confused, because this guys sounds like somebody to avoid with the information provided thus far.

[StellarGirl]

How far away do you guys live?
3 states

Do you visit each other?
Yes

Do you want a committed relationship?
Yes

I thinking about just writing him an email w/ everything I want to say. I'm horrible at getting my point across in conversation. lol He'll be gone for a few days so I'll have time to sleep on it.

[misombra]

why would you do that? haven't you already told him how you feel and he always responds with some kind of out or reiterates his lack of desire for commitment.

you're expecting him to change, i think. newsflash: he's not going to change. if you're looking for a relationship where both people are in it, both people are partners, and he is sure that he wants to be with you and only you, then this guy is not the guy.

[vashti]

I think it is common for military people to want to feel like there is "someone special" at home waiting for them (particularly if deployment is in their near future). This need for attachment motivates lots of boys to make inappropriate attachments before they leave.

I think you should tell him directly that you will continue to converse with him (if you want) but that you will not commit to waiting for him. You don't know him NEARLY well enough for that sort of responsibility. When he is finished with his service, you can decide if you want to date him or not.

[Gigabitch]

And to the other question about 7 hours. He's in his home state, but we've talked til almost 5 am before. He still works.

Okay, sorry to harp on this one, but I need clarification about what his status is with the Army. Is he still affiliated with the military? This is important because it tells me whether or not he has much say about where he lives, which is important because you can't have a limitless LDR- there has to be a plan in place for ultimately living closer to one another.

What's your living situation? Parents? College?

[StellarGirl]

Oh. Sorry I forgot to post it earlier. He is still active in the military and he does travel. I have my own apartment and work full time.

And in response to the other about changing him. I already know that there is a bigger chance of santa falling through my chimney than changing a man. I learned that early on. And I don't just want to up and duck out of everything with him or really get anything started at this point. The ONLY thing I want is to TRY to understand all the different things he says to me and what they mean. If that makes sense to you guys.

[rawangel]

He's told me a hundred times that he would be together if we were closer. He makes random comments sometimes about "I'm gonna marry you girl" or he can see us a few years from now married with kids.

.....Then in the same conversations he's flat out told me that he's a commitment phobe. That relationships and the L word scare him.

I just don't get this guy. I really like him and he's told me he likes me. But I don't know how to act or what in hell is going through that head of his? What he considers us? Any help guys?

Dear StellarGirl, I can understand your confusion. You're confused because you're receiving conflicting signals from your man. I'm writing to you to save you tons of your valuable time. I just got out of a year long, long-distance relationship with a very nice man actually who I could describe exactly as yours. The red flags were always waving and I listened to him say different things to me in the same breath....very similar to the words you so eloquently highlighted in your post. Pay attention to what he's saying to you, but even moreso watch his actions. No matter how much he says he could marry you, he is also clearly telling you he's a "commitment phobe" both verbally and with how he's responding to you. There's really nothing "to get", he's told you he is not going to commit to you and believe me nothing in this world will change this unless he changes (himself). Don't waste your time trying to change him or waiting around for him to change is my sincere advice. Save yourself some heartache and frustration. Edit: I just read your post above about understanding you can't change someone else. Here's a seed of thought to blossom later that just by the fact that you're in this relationship with this amount of ambiguity circling above your head is testament that you may in fact be (unconsciously) thinking he's going to change. Just think about it and don't worry so much about him, but turn the mirror on yourself. Sometimes what you see is tough to look at it, but it will help you down the road believe me. What do you want? Do you want to have fun and be on someone's endless chain or are you looking for a long-term committed relationship? It really gets down to what you want (and your partner of course).

If you choose to end this now at least you won't be red hot mad at yourself when you've realized months or years later that you were just as much a part of the game as he was. It takes two people to play a game, try to get in touch with why you're willing to stick around for this nuttiness now and not later. It will help you not repeat the experience with another guy in the future.

Best wishes.