When loving him is not enough.....wat do u think I should do?

[devilmiss]

Hi guys
im a 22 year old from Sydney, Australia.
6 months ago I met this gorgeous guy, hes funny and sweet and kind.
Anyway we have had a turbulent relationship which has been on and off. Everytime we have ended it, its because he thinks he isnt good enough for me. Our backgrounds are very different with me coming from a well off family and his not so well off. I dont care bout his financial status and I dont care what he does whether he be garbage collector or a doctor. It just doesnt matter, cos truly in my heart I know I am in love with this guy. He is amazing.

We are intimate with each other and try to see each other often...pretty hard when he does shift work. Anyway recently his ex has returned from overseas....he told me "As much as I would love to work things out with my ex and be with her, we have discussed it and it just wouldnt work so we are going to be friends. He said I wont see her as much as you think, probably less." Heres where the problem is. On his days off he is taking her about and helping her settle in. She is kinda taking precedance and he says he feels obligated to help her settle in. They spent the whole day at the beach together and then he sees me for 45 minutes that night and tells me about his fabulous day.

I try not to show I'm upset but when I hang out with my male friends or bring them up in conversation he gets very angry and asks me questions like "did he make advances on you?" "Did you sleep with him?" "So you want him as your bf?" he just gets very possessive and jealous which is somewhat disturbing as I am totally and utterly committed to him. While he has problems with commitment.

I have lots of problems conveying my feelings cos he just gets angry and says that I sound like a broken record. I tell him that he doesnt care bout me and that im just here for his fun. But he turns around and tells me he cares and he worries about me. I'm five years younger so that may also contribute because he is ready to settle while im still studying and trying to find my feet. Recently he has been making lots of comments on how i look and smell...good comments but Im afraid hes doin it because he is guilty of something. I know previous relationships have resulted in his girlfriends cheating on him, so I know he has a problem with trusting me. But now im having trust issues with him and his ex who is recently spending more time with.

I dont wanna seem like a jealous and possessive girlfriend but this is really hurting me. I dont know what to do. I feel like he is seeing her and me at the same time....he denies it and says it isnt true and that I am a pessimist. I love him and he knows I do, I fear he may be taking advantage of the fact that I truly love him. I am a very generous and giving person and he has been showered with affection and gifts continually. I dont know what to do...do I just leave and stay out of his life...or do I continue down this road of uncertainty and nights crying my lil heart out because I am so lost and feel so alone.... I'd really appreciate some insight into my love problem...."Why cant u tell your heart when to stop loving someone who doesnt obviously love you?"

[whaywardj]

If he's as self-conscious as you say about the distinctions in your respective social standing, I'm not suprised he's also overly jealous (if not controlling).

He's right, you know. He's not good enough for you. And it has nothing to do with money. It has to do with his insecurities.

His financial standing may not matter to you, but yours does to him. As long as he perceives that difference between you as a barrier, it will also be a threat to him. There's nothing you can do to change his outlook. He has to do it all by himself. Until he does, you can give him the world, and he'd still find reasons to resent you for it.

And, god forbid, you enjoy a bit of leisure among your circle of family or acquaintances who are not also his. They, too, are threats. They remind him of what he hasn't accomplished.

Being with you underscores what he thinks are his inadequacies. You and yours remind him of what he doesn't have. You're a threat. You threaten his self-esteem. He can't see what you see in him becasue he can't see you. Only what you have that he doesn't. And, at heart, it probably wouldn't matter if he could. He'd just be forever suspicious you were with him only to go "slumming" with and see how the other half lives.

The ex? Well, her he can help (and feel as if he's making a contribution). You? In his eyes, you don't need any help he can offer.

That's one dynamic. There are a few others with a bit of a different spin to them, but they all orbit like an infinity symbol around the same two things: insecurity and low self-esteem.

He's probably angry most of the time. At base, though, not at anyone but himself.

Chances are, he'll allow his perceived short-comings to get the better of him and find reasons to not continue with you.

So it is that wealth -- or even being just well-to-do -- creates a great divide even when we'd rather it didn't. Nothing to do with the wealth at all. Only to do how it's perceived. For those who have any, it's merely a means to ends. For those who have little, it's a thing onto itself. Which, more often than not, blinds them to who people really are, and to what they're really offering.

[Mish]

YAY, Another Sydney Siter!!! Suddenly I don't feel so alone

Look devilmiss, 6 months is not a lot of time to have a turbulent on and off relationship with anyone. There are clearly some deep trust and resentment issues between the two of you, which have no sign of going away any time soon.

First of all I think you should explain to him that he has absolutely no right to question your motives with other guys while he himself is being so carefree with his ex. If I were you I would even take it a step further next time I was asked a question "Did you sleep with your friend?", My response would be "That's for me to know and for you to find out" with a big smile on my face, just to see a lot of steam coming out of his head (But then again I'm a little braty that way).

Ofcourse, any trust or emotional conflict is best kept in the open. For example, if he has issues with him not being good enough for you, then why? What are his issues? If he resents you for having more than him or is threatened by it, then why does he act or feels that way? The answers to some of these questions are not as complex as we think.

By the way, which area in Sydney are you from? I hope you weren't affected by the riots!