Triangle/How do I help him? (Long, but a summary included.)

[Seif]

Hello, all, this would be my first post on LF.net :3
Read the bolded stuff if you want to skip the excess.

Here's some basic info:

I: am twenty years old/have known the guy for at least half a year/started hanging around with him two months ago
Rich: Is twenty three years old/has been dating Amber for five years/broke up with her two months ago to "experiment" with free love (Basically, to figure out if he loved her or not)/Works in the mall with me (I work in a department store, he works at my coffee shop)/He wants a monogamous relationship with Amber, but seems to be falling for me too.
Amber: Is twenty one years old/Doesn't really know me at all (We talked twice)/Is evidently very insecure about herself; I can tell because the way Rich describes her sounds exactly like I was when I was sixteen (And feeling very horrible about myself.)

So here's the situation:

Rich and Amber very clearly have a long history together. However, from what I have heard from one of his close friends (Glen), they didn't seem to "work" very well together. Everyone made comments like "How are they together?!" or "Are they siblings?". Stuff like that. When Rich and I started hanging out I would often hear him complain about how Amber would easily get angry if he didn't tell her where he had been that day, or how she'd be really upset if he heard that he was hanging out with another girl. He had also been saying that he'd been thinking of breaking it off with her for a very long time (As in, a year or more). Having heard all of this I dutifully advised him that if he was unhappy, he should follow through and break it off with her (I had no feelings for him at the time, I thought I was just being a good friend). He did, two weeks after we started really getting to know one another.

Well, of course, a five-year relationship ending so suddenly is going to cause a rebound. I believe that he was (and still is) creating that rebound with me. He started really getting "into" me, calling me an enlightened being, saying I looked divine and like a goddess, things like that. If I'm to be honest, of course, my feelings for him started deepening too (Because really, this guy is everything I want in a guy, and he's already said twice that I'm everything he wants in a woman.) But it didn't stop me from giving him hopefully impartial, sage advice.

One night we were on a "date" at KFC (Just eating dinner), and at his request I started "analyzing" him. I told him that he focused too much on the big things in life, and that sometimes the smaller things were more important/could bring a person more happiness. I also told him that monogamy wasn't a burden like he made it out to be. Well, he took my advice and called me over the next day. He was crying and I asked him what was wrong. He told me "I need you to be my friend and nothing more, because I'm in love with Amber."

I was less hurt than I expected to be. In fact, I seemed fine enough and I told him that if he really felt that way he should call Amber and talk with her. He did, and he asked me to sit with him (Profusely thanking me for "helping him save his relationship") while he talked with her. The whole conversation could be wrapped up as "I love you so much Amber/I miss you Amber/etc".

I dropped him off in his hometown (Where she lives) the next day, and they talked. Essentially, there he asked her if they had a chance and she told him "I love you Richie. It'll be okay, I just need some time." Knowing my history (Wherein I've been told "I need time" twice and was only being let down easy both times), this set off red flags in my head when he told me about it. He also told me that Amber was doing it with this guy named Adam, and that when he asked her what she was doing that night, she avoided the topic before admitting that she was hanging out with him.

As anyone can probably tell, this "needing time" thing is really messing him up. Glen and I can't help but feel that she is stringing Rich along, keeping him as a "backup" just in case she wants someone to come home to after she's done doing Adam or whoever she happens to be with. We would like to have a talk with him about this, though we know that it's only been about a month since she said she wanted time for herself.

In the meantime, Rich keeps fluctuating, which is understandable. He goes through a three or four day cycle where he'll be very interested in me, claiming "I'm falling in love with you, Caitlyn", or "I want you for a better future," or even "You should be my wife. You're good with me, and good for me." He'll hold me and kiss me and occasionally we've had sex (But I'm smart enough to know that there are, of course, few to no strings attached there). Then, when he burns himself out he'll break down and moan about missing Amber and not needing me, and loving me only as a friend because of his deep-seated feelings for her, etc, etc, etc. I accept this as a part of his breakup process -- he acts exactly as I did after I just got out of my three-year relationship with my ex, so I know how he feels. (The difference is, where I'm not keeping in contact with my ex, he is. They apparently are speaking as if they're good friends now.)

(He's gone through that cycle about three times now. Each time he seems to be growing more "comfortable" and closer to me. Right now though we're not doing anything.)

Glen believes he truly has feelings for me, and says that Rich and I are so much of a better couple than Rich and Amber. Though it's nice to know that I have some "support" of my feelings for the guy, I just want him to be happy. I'd even be content with them being together as long as she stopped stringing him along.


Knowing all of this, here are my questions:

--The most important thing is, how do I tell him to just move on? It's true that I could care less if they got back together since it would make him happy, but it doesn't seem as if that's what she wants. Though all of his friends are being supportive of their relationship (But then again, they could just be coddling the both of them.) It feels more like she's too cowardly and/or insecure to shoot for a clean break, and I hate to see a person I care about hurting so much over something like this. At least if they officially broke up again, he'd be able to grieve in earnest instead of blindly waiting.

--What do I do about MYSELF? Do I just wait? Do I keep being a friend and being there for him? I know not to make a move where it's not wanted, but whenever he goes through the "cycle" he claims he wants me to leave him alone, then an hour later will text me as if he wants to talk with me again so we start another conversation. It feels as though I should still be giving him advice because he looks to me for direction and, well, advice. But am I doing the right thing?

--What does she want? Does she want someone to wait for her so she'll feel more "secure" about herself? Is she keeping him to the side? Is she trying to let him off easy? Does she really want him back, perhaps, and she really does just need some time to herself? Any insight would be welcome.

Thanks for reading this long post by the way, even if you didn't get this far. It's appreciated, so thanks in advance and thanks for any replies that may come.

[MerryH]

You should stay out of his relationship. If he asks you specifically what you think, you can tell him, but after that, drop it. Let him make his own mistakes.

What to do about yourself? If it were me, the next time he tells me to leave him alone, I would, whether he contacted me after that or not. That would be the end of it. He's jerking you around, probably unintentionally, but still. I'm not sure how one can go about thinking it's okay to treat someone like that, but there you go. He's not a very good friend to you, when you seem to go out of your way for him. Honestly, he sounds like kind of an asshole. He may be that way because he's all messed up about his ex, but the fact remains he's still an asshole to you. You don't need to stick around to help him and give him advice. It's not your responsibility.

As for her? Who knows. Not your problem. Though she probably is using him as a safety net, the same way he's using you. Furthermore, I would have a hard time respecting a guy who was such a big wimp to take that kind of crap from a girl who's already sleeping with someone else. You can do better.

[Agape]

How do you tell him to move on? . . . .you tell him politely and directly and honestly, and then, follow up by your actions (limit contact, don't initiate conversation, don't reciprocate him) . . . if Rich wants Amber, let him be.

What do you do about yourself? . . . well he's 'using' you for sex and he's overall using you as a rebound girl . . . it's kinda unfair and you don't need that

What does she want? . . . how knows, who cares? She's not even directly associated with you - the only thing you should care about is yourself, and then Rich and that's only because he affects you.