(29) Broke up with my ex (28), made mistake, she's moving on...letter advice!

[messeditbigtime]

Sorry about the length in advance, just wanted to give as much info as possible.

So I broke up with her 4 months ago after about a year together. I was in the middle of moving cities for the first time ever, I was depressed (which i didn't realise at the time) and I felt a lot of pressure from various things going on in my life which I let affect us. My reasons for breaking up with her were immature and superficial, and really my own problems rather than hers (which I didn't understand until later).

I felt like I'd made a mistake and for a good three months after we split, we went back and forth with sleeping with each other and stuff. During this time she told me she loved me for the first time, I realised I did too and last month I asked her to give things another go. She told me she needed time to think, and when it looked like we were going to give it another shot, I got cold feet again and I told her I was so afraid of messing up again. Went back to square one, but instantly regretted it. Realised how unbelievably stupid I was being and then next week confessed everything to her. She said she didn't really believe I loved her because it seemed I couldn't make up my mind and that she couldn't take the risk because there would always be that fear I would change my mind again.

I was heartbroken and couldn't understand why I had such a tough time committing, so I started going to counselling because I realised I might have some serious issues. Now my life has settled and therapy has made me realise I had a whole wealth of problems - which I have been working hard on dealing with. She doesn't hate me for what happened, the lines of communication are still open and it's still fairly amicable. At the moment, we are in that weird "let's be friends" scenario. We still kind of on-off talk, but it's a bit tense. Her best friend (also a friend of mine) says she isn't over me but I need to move on. Said friend also doesn't realise how I truly feel though.

She started seeing someone else in the middle of all this happening, blew him off when I asked her to come back and has since returned so seeing him (think he might be a rebound). She doesn't think I know and I think she's afraid of telling me in case she hurts me. I have accepted it and it hurts, but I guessed it was gonna happen anyway.

So here's the deal. I totally ****ed this up and so I've written an apology that I want to actually deliver through speech rather than a letter, I was just wondering whether I could get a critique on it. How does it come across? Anything I should add/not say?. I don't want to sound too desperate, just matter-of-factly. I guess I'm walking on this thin line where I don't want to live in regret that I missed the opportunity to tell her how I really felt and yet I don't want to push her away further away. I actually don't think this will change her mind, but i feel like I need to tell her this to give myself closure. Help!

"Now I'm in a better place and I've actually had some time to reflect, I wanted to give you a proper apology without it being emotionally charged or fuelled by booze. I thought briefly about writing you a letter but I decided a while ago I'm not going to be afraid of confrontation anymore and so I wanted to say this to you in person.

Since going to see Joe, my counsellor, I've learnt a hell of a lot about myself that I didn't realise before. I now know that the way I acted and my reasons for breaking up with you were just a front for much deeper rooted issues I'd not realised I'd had or dealt with yet, and in turn I allowed them to be projected onto our relationship.

I wish I'd known all that before I met you, because then I wouldn't have been so narrow-minded and treated you like I did. I was stubborn, often negative and a massive hypocrite at times and I didn't think about the consequences of some of my actions and I am so sorry that I subjected you to that.

I can't lie to you - I do wish things could be different now, I wish it hadn't been our relationship to teach me all this stuff, but I have to respect your decisions. I completely understand why you couldn't take that risk again and you were absolutely right. But it's not because I didn't want to be with you - I just wasn't mature enough at the time.

I was not prepared for how life-changing moving to B would be. I know these are just words and it's easy for me to say this but I have grown up. You're one of the most beautiful and amazing people I've ever met and I'm sorry you got caught up in my mess because you never deserved any of it. I really do still love you and that's the truth V .

[Ann S]

Hi: I think there is something inside you (and I don't mean old baggage) that kept you from making a commitment to this woman - TWICE! I think you should pay attention to that. When you had the opportunity, something held you back. Can you put a name on it? I applaud you for seeing your counselor....keep going to figure this out. I know you are sorry, but this just doesn't seem like a match you could make more permanent without reservations. Our intuition should be respected. And look at what your ex did! In the middle of your breakup, she started seeing (sleeping with?) someone else. What does that say about her? This is not to blame, but it sounds like she deals with relationship issues by jumping into another relationship. What do you think about that? I hope you go out and date. I hope you have some fun and allow your wounds to heal. I hope you find someone who can stand by you when depression comes, or success comes. Ann