Boyfriend doesn't want to be trusted?

[kleenex123]

He used to have a lot of girl friends before getting together with me, and after getting together with me, he started giving them cold treatments on facebook and stuffs like that. We're in a LDR and i think he does text those girls at times. I'm a very jealous person but i've brought myself to be understanding that those are just his girl friends. So i always act like i'm generous and don't mind him interacting with them through texts. However he gets disturbed by this fact and wants me to question him a lot. I guess he is just insecure. He says that he feels loved whenever i question him. If i convince myself that i shouldn't mind, i wouldn't mind and wouldn't be disturbed. But if i actually start asking questions, i would mind, truckloads because being jealous is my nature. What should i do? I'm just thinking we should both have our friends back. But he would mind if i text with other guys. So, i've never replied any guy friend's text(pure friendship) since we got together. However he does text the girls occasionally and i find it really unfair? I don't really get the picture here either. This is confusing.

[Gratedwasabi]

Your relationship isn't going to work. It's a LDR and you're both jealous and.. he WANTS you to be.

[doppelgaenger]

Go back to your other thread and reread it. Your relationship is full of fail and it will come to an end, whether you decide to waste more time on it or not.

[SapphireBerry]

You're right it IS unfair, don't think that you have to cut off all contact with your male friends for his sake, he does definitely sound insecure and giving the fact he's so far away its not going help at all or make it any more worth it, I really think you should invest in a guy closer to you who doesn't want you to worry and doesn't try and make you jealous of other girls.

I can understand why he'd feel loved if you questioned his nature alot because I'd feel a little flattered if my partner started to get a little jealous of other guys, but you shouldn't be jealous and you shouldn't go on like this, my advice to you is to give it up with him? If all that is going to come out of it is him playing the jealousy game on you then it's not worth a minute of your time. Anyway you're in Australia, that country is massive surely you couldn't find a better guy for you cuz he definitely isn't your one. You can take or leave my advice but in the long run I think it's best for you to heed my advice.

[kleenex123]

He too can't get over my family's upbringing that exposing cleavages are fine to my family. That's what my mum has been doing. But one thing about us is that nobody get to touch them. We know our physical boundaries clear. And we don't intentionally flash. We just wear what looks good on us.

There was once when a bunch of friends and us went someone and i was wearing something cleavage-revealing. A guy friend said to me, "xxxx, this is exhibition, i can see everything." He said this to me in front of my boyfriend and he felt like it was so insulting. But since he's got his hands on my boobs(he's the first & will be the last person who has touched them), i started minding a lot about exposing and i always hide everything well now. But he's saying that all the accumulated events made him feel like i don't really mind about exposing. He said the the insecurities will always be there. What can i do?

[smackie9]

Well for one his insecurities are starting evolve into the act of manipulation which is the precursor to abusive behaviour. Even if you show jealousy thinking that would appease him and make him stop, he will find something else to pick on you about.

Secondly, you are immature because you have trouble recognizing a jack ass like the one you are going out with.

So my advice is, to listen to us older posters on this forum, for we have boat loads of experience and know a bad thing when we read of one.

This relationship isn't going to work so save yourself the bull shit for things will not get any better unless you dump his ass.

[davedlt]

What happened to your other thread? I was gonna reply to it. Did you can it?

Anyway, I will reply to this one...

What I am going to tell you might (or might not) sound deep and complicated, but that is because the issues that are causing the problems in your relationship are running deep, and what is being presented on the surface is not what is really going on. I am going to tell you what is really going on.

First of all, despite all this mess, your boyfriend is not some twisted, controlling, unloving jerk who needs to be dumped. He actually loves you a lot and really wants things to work. He is just doing the best he can with what he has got right now. But that is why he is jumping from one side to the other. So he will say that he doesn't trust you and everything is going to s***, and other times he really loves you and wants it to work. That is because part of him does love you and means and feels all those things, but another part of him is in a lot of pain.

He is in a lot of pain. Very bad. I agree with what was being said in the last thread that he should get therapy. I think you both should. Not because you are both messed up or anything, but that these issues can be deeply ingrained and can sometimes be hard to let go of. So a therapy which can get to and change deep subconscious beliefs is what I would recommend as the best way to fix it. Again, it is not because you are screwed up or anything. There is no shame in getting this kind of help. Think of it like an athlete going to the gym to improve where he was.

Interesting, a number of years ago, I was in almost word for word the exact same situation, only I was on the guy end (what you described in your last thread). Coming out of it, I found out what was going on in detail causing the problems. That's one of the reasons I know he is in a lot of pain - almost unbearable.

It is not your fault he is in a lot of pain by the way. Let's clear that up.

The trust issue is not the issue going on. Not by a long way. He actually trusts you a fair bit believe it or not. Talking about and trying to fix the trust issue is like trying to fix a flat tire in your car by changing the oil. It is not going to get to the real issue.

The thing which your boyfriend fears the most, more than anything else, is that you will do something sexual with another guy, or something sexual will happen to you. It is not that he doesn't trust you and thinks you will do it. He knows you won't. He is just so frightened of the possibility that that will happen, that he tries to explain his fears by saying it is a trust issue. That is the only explanation which makes sense to him, and the only one where it doesn't seem like his issue. He can think it is your issue for being untrustworthy.

The reason he is now telling you to question him is to justify the BS that he doesn't trust you. To convince himself that it is definitely a trust issue here, and that it is probably sort of good to have trust issues.

In the clubbing incident you described, the reason he feels so bad about it is because to him it reeks of sexuality. You were with other guys who had no problem having sex, dancing is a sexual thing, drinking makes you let your guard against sex down, and the worst possible scenario that really tortures him is that in your drunken state you might not have noticed that when you fell down one of the guys helping you up might have just slid his hand to your boob and copped a 2 second feelski.

Deep in his mind (and yours) he sees sex as the most dirty, evil, sinful, horrible, low-down, filthiest thing ever done by human beings (maybe a slight exaggeration, but then again maybe not). So seeing the photo of you at the club, or seeing the other guy sleeping next to you, or seeing that you are showing off your cleavage, is to him like seeing a bunch of Nazi soldiers running a Jewish concentration camp. He can't bear to see his girlfriend that way.

Now that is going on in his mind, but the same thing is going on in your mind too. To fix the real issue, you both need to change your deep subconscious beliefs about sex. I am not attacking your religion, or blaming it for this problem, but one of the difficulties which can come is that you both might find it hard to let go of your shame and bad feelings about sex because you can hold on to it by saying that God thinks the same thing about sex. That God hates sex outside marriage (your subconscious mind does not make a distinction between inside marriage and outside marriage. It just hates and feels shame about sex full stop) as much as you and your boyfriend do.

I won't go into a Bible discussion now. But I will make a small point that Jesus commanded to love one another. Which means he did not hate people who made out with their boyfriends or random people. He doesn't love people who have sex all over the place any less than he loves people who only have sex inside marriage. Even a woman caught in adultery was not enough to make Jesus not love her. He did not condemn her in the slightest. This is a lot different from where you and your boyfriend are.

If in your subconscious minds, sex was nothing really. It can be cool if you make it cool. You can have it in marriage if you want. You can have it whenever you like for a bit of fun. It is all cool, nothing wrong with it, none of these problems would be here. But in your minds, sex is some big thing which is sanctioned by God to be in marriage and if it is out of marriage it is like a fire burning down your house, and you will pay a price if you do it outside marriage, and etc, etc.

You can still choose to only have sex in marriage, or in a relationship, without condemning it and thinking that people who do it outside a relationship are bad. It is the condemning it which causes the problems. It is the condemning it which is making your boyfriend feel really bad about what happened, and making him terrified that something sexual might happen again.

But understand through all of this your boyfriend still loves you. He wouldn't still be with you if he didn't. He wants it to work as much as you do. He is just feeling a lot of pain.

I hope that helps you. I am not trying to get up either of you. As I said, I went through the exact same situation a number of years ago, so I know how bad it feels for both of you. My best wishes.

[MerryH]

Do you really want advice here, or do you just want to talk about your problems? I'm honestly a bit annoyed that you deleted your other thread because there was some really useful advice in there that many other people in your position could have read and followed, and now it's gone. Why? You're basically asking the same thing in this thread, except you left out a lot of the more damning aspects of how awful he is to you. So screw it. I'm going to be more harsh than I would normally allow myself to be.

You will not do anything because you are a doormat who lets others degrade and shame you. You're using your religious beliefs as an excuse to stay with him, but I really think you're just too big of a coward to leave him or stand up for yourself. Your excuse doesn't even really make sense, even from a Christian standpoint, because if your virginity were such a huge deal for you, you would remain a virgin until marriage. So if you willingly had sex before marriage, you've already made a mistake. Whatever, I'm not going to get into a religious discussion. I'm just saying I think your reasoning is flawed, and until you can realize that, you're going to attach yourself to this bad boyfriend and take whatever shit he throws at you and never let go just because you have some silly ideas about virginity.

[kleenex123]

Davedlt,

Thank you so much for your effort in typing such a long reply to my problems. I kind of understand what you're trying to say but at the same time, i don't know what i can do to improve the situation now?

About the clubbing incident, it's because he was brought up in a different environment from me. We are Asians, in a asian country. He used to be in a school where all the people are more "westernized" and they girls there, they give guys lap dances, the let guys grope their boobs, they're doing all the cheap stuffs(in my opinion). Of course i'm not saying that they shouldn't do those stuffs, i myself did those with my boyfriend, but only him. He is the only person which i'll do all these sexual stuffs with. Physical contacts and what not, only he can has it. It's out of love, and lust, should be an element of love, instead of another subset. It's inseparable. That is what i feel. And i've promised myself that after having all these intimacies with him, i wouldn't get myself another bf if we broke up, because that'd make me a "contaminated" person. No longer pure. I've made up my mind on this issue since i've lost my first kiss to him. It is because to me, my first kiss matters as much as my virginity. Maybe i'm just being narrow-minded, but this is my principles. Back to him, grown up in a "westernized" school has made him have this stereotyped vision that all girls are like that. After that, he went over to US. In US, he used to go clubs with his friends in US and they, do evil stuffs to girls. They slide their hands into girls' dresses when they're dancing, they deliberately make the girls drunk so that when they're walking out of the club, they could grope their boobs and what not. Because of the environment which he grew up in, he tends to think that all girls are the same, filthy. And he tends to think that all guys are the same. Including my friends. Yesterday, i've explained to him about the situation that we, more-traditional Chinese, we don't do what he, his friends, and the girls who he've met did. We've more conservative. And when we go clubbing for exposure, we really mean exposure. Among the group of friends of 8, 6 of us were first-timers to a club and 6 of us there, we have never made out with an opposite sex and 5 of us had not even lose our first kisses. And the other 2 of them, they're couples and have made out with each other. We went there, not to fulfill any sexual desire - unlike what he had done in the past. After explaining everything to him, i told him that he really had to work on this trust issue because i, am not what he thinks of me. I've asked him to trust my personalities. I've asked him to do a flashback on every facial expressions, every blushes of mine, to his kiss, his touch, and everything. He agreed to that and he said that he will work on it. I hope he does. I hope the situation improves for if it doesn't, i can't stay with him anymore. If we don't have trust, we have nothing. I can't just go over to the US next year, where i know nobody, when he doesn't trust me. Not when i can't be sure that he'll stop condemning me with stuffs which i didn't do. Another reason is that he met me and a girl friend of mine, let's say Jane. Jane is a materialistic girl and she tried her best to get him, as his family is very well-off. She badmouthed me and told him that i'm a girl who is desperate for guys - when i'm not. She made up stories, to cause conflicts between me & him. Regardless, we made it through her craps and got together. Anyway, i guess the first hand impression he had of me, made it hard for him to trust me.

Now, he's talking about the cleavage-revealing part.

I really don't know what else can i do.

I feel that there's a barrier between us because of this? Although we're really sweet at other times.

[MerryH]

I hope the situation improves for if it doesn't, i can't stay with him anymore. If we don't have trust, we have nothing.

Alright. I take back a tiny bit of what I posted earlier. It's good to see you say this.

But by telling yourself that you will never allow anyone to touch you ever again because you're "contaminated" puts a lot of additional pressure on you to stay in this relationship. Why do you have to make such rules for yourself? Can't you just say, "I don't know what life will bring. I can leave things open for the future."

[kleenex123]

Your excuse doesn't even really make sense, even from a Christian standpoint, because if your virginity were such a huge deal for you, you would remain a virgin until marriage. So if you willingly had sex before marriage, you've already made a mistake. Whatever, I'm not going to get into a religious discussion. I'm just saying I think your reasoning is flawed, and until you can realize that, you're going to attach yourself to this bad boyfriend and take whatever shit he throws at you and never let go just because you have some silly ideas about virginity.

MerryH,

I'm sorry for deleting the thread. I just thought since the case is closed, i should just delete it instead of letting it stay there.

He isn't a bad boyfriend, he loves me with all he has. It's just the wrong view he's had for the past six months which made it so bothering and frustrating for him. If he doesn't love me, like what Davedlt has said, he could have broken up with me since so long ago. But he didn't. He is looking for a solution to solve it as well. We were talking about it hours ago and he said that he needs some time to adapt to this new perspective because he's been having the wrong image for the past 6 months. And i agreed with that. I said i'll give him time.

About making love before marriage, yes, i don't know but i don't consider it a mistake? As, in the bible, it says that if a man took away a girl's virginity, he shall bring on the dowry and she shall be his wife. Fornication, would then be exempted. Of course, this may just be an excuse i give myself to allow love-making between us. Regardless, my principles is firm on that i won't allow anyone besides this one & only man to touch me. It may be stupid, but i just find physical contacts such a pure thing, and such a huge deal that it can only be done with one person.

I've taught of the consequences of holding onto this principle. It is either our relationship stay sweet & nice, or, i'll be single for life. I'm determined to take either one of these options. I wouldn't want to suffer in a relationship which doesn't bring me happiness either. However i have the faith that he's the one God has prepared for me. Since we've gotten together, we've never argued over other stuffs besides this two incidents. And since he's going to trust me now, i'll stay. But if, by the end of this year, he still can't trust me completely, then it's over. I will not go over to the US for him. Staying single for life would be better than making the person who i love and loves me get disturbed all the time. And if he doesn't trust me and the both of us can't be happy in this relationship, we're not meant to be.

[MerryH]

About making love before marriage, yes, i don't know but i don't consider it a mistake? As, in the bible, it says that if a man took away a girl's virginity, he shall bring on the dowry and she shall be his wife.

I think you need to read more of this bible that you're trying to base your life on.

[ConniptionFit]

kleenex123-

What have your parents said when you told them about the whole situation?