Did I just find love?

[Jhamilton]

Did I just find love and understand it for the first time? It sure feels that way.... I’ve been married for 7 years and I always thought I was in a happy relationship. Never had many problems except for the occasionally why don’t you show me you love me discussion (I thought that was normal), please put down you gadget and come play with me.....etc. Now I'm not so sure........

Fast forward to about 2 years ago. My wife's brother moves in and they got really close which was great for their relationship and terrible for ours. Not putting much attention into it, I looked else where. I just thought that once he was gone things would change. I wasn’t looking for romantic attention, but I suppose just to be noticed by others.... I wanted someone to take a personal interest in me (I’ve found being a guy it seems that most of the interest in on the girl unless you start to voice your concernes and then it seems like first the female population pays attention to you and then your male friends. Point is you can’t be a whiner.)

I started texting a good friend of ours who was going through a similar thing, her sister in law was living with them. We got really close and talked near everyday... Before this we would talk occasionally and we always got along great. Then my wife's brother moved out and things really changed my wife noticed that the 2 of us had been talking and got super enraged.... (called up our friend yelled at her, threatened to leave me, etc...)
I can totally understand her reaction. Since then, my wife has asked me to be more romantic and attentive. These were all things that generally I just never have done. I wasn’t raised that way and I had no real influence in my life in that regard. So one day I would do something romantic, forget for a week or 2 be reminded again and the process would repeat itself. This has been a on going battle for me.

I’ve maintained till today that our relationship (our mutual friend) had been nothing. We were supporting each other. My wife and her have since patched things up and talk and sometimes we all hang out. Well we all spent the last 5 days together on a vacation and we all had a great time until the end when my wife claimed she had a headache... I went back to the hotel room and she was crying..... She told me that during all the time that we had dated and been married she and never see me be this attentive, mesh this well with someone else and look this happy. She says I always leave her with the feeling of wanting more and I just don’t do enough to show my love and she feels that she pressured me into getting married. I did the best I could at consoling her and got her to come out of the room and hang out. I told her that I loved her and that I wasn’t perfect and I had a lot to work on still and I was sorry If I made her feel uncomfortable.

For the rest of the trip and today, I’ve been analyzing the relationships I’ve had and I feel so confused. My wife couldn’t be more right about the way I connect with someone else and I came to realize that I do love my friend. But, I love my wife too. I have no plans of leaving my wife and I hope that my friend doesn’t notice that I love her. I just feel so guilty and irresponsible for not making the right decision early on in life. I’m trying to make my marriage work. But knowing that small piece of info or better yet having my own wife tell me that she begs me to treat her properly and it just naturally comes out for someone else is very worrisome to me. I’m looking for some help.

[pisces25]

You probably felt for you wife in the beginning how you feel for your friend but 7 years on you can't remember. Not sure anyone on here can help you, but be prepared for a lot of 'forget the other girl, concentrate on building intimacy with your wife' type responses

[devonbrown]

pisces25 is right, you will get a lot of "forget the girl and concentrate on your wife" advice. So let's start here. Deal with your wife. Stop COMPARING feelings. You feel differently for everyone in your life, and comparing feelings do no good. Make sure your wife does the same thing. I repeat - no comparing emotions.
Pay attention to your marriage and try to work on that. Long relationships go through slumps. The trick is that BOTH of you need to want to work on it. If one of you is not willing or do not want to work on your relationship, it is bound to fail. If you two can't figure out how to do it yourselves, but both want to, I would suggest seeing a marriage counselor to help give you tools to work together.

As for the friend, she is a friend. Just keep telling yourself that. Remind yourself that she is unavailable and that she is your friend. Every time you start to think you feel more for her, just remind yourself of that and look at your wedding ring.

[Jhamilton]

You probably felt for you wife in the beginning how you feel for your friend but 7 years on you can't remember. Not sure anyone on here can help you, but be prepared for a lot of 'forget the other girl, concentrate on building intimacy with your wife' type responses

I guess that's what I'm saying. For my wife to compare the feelings really threw me for a loop. Especially with the crying and all that....there are definintly guys friends she gets Long better with. But I don't freak out like this or say things like that to her.....
Just makes me feel terrible.