awkward situation, avoiding the friend-zone

[Theo]

im in a bit of a complex situation.. usually i'm very confident in what i do, how I act and all that but I think this time i really need some advice.

ive been married for the best part of four years but it hasnt gone well. in the past year my partner left me no less than three times, has had affairs, ran away with my money.. etc etc. I've done everything i can to save it (mental illness on partners part is involved) but just run out of steam and chalking this one up to life experience now. But thats not what im after advice for.

Not long before my partner decided to leave for the final time a somewhat mutal friend (more hers that mine, but i "knew" them) moved in with us after their fiancee broke up with her. She has stayed and still lives here now and really.. shes wonderful. Shes 6 years younger than me but i wouldnt of known it if haddnt been told - from my point of view we match VERY well. However i'm not an idiot, I know my mind is haywire atm dealing with the breakdown of a marriage and hers is no better after her long term relationship ended. Both of us are hurt and a little lost and it would be foolish for me to ignore that. In a usual situation I wouldnt dream at this point of pursuing anything until we've all had time to settle.. but im so incredibly attracted to her, shes stunning and not just phsyically. We share almost all the same interests, we have fun together wether we go out or stay in, its really great and tbh her company has held me together.

I'm concerned that with us living together, spending lots of time etc that friendship is going to bloom and grow strong (which is great and lovely) and by the time its "sensible" to consider anything we'll of "friend zoned" each other and making it intimate will be either impossible or awkward. But on the other side investigating intimacy too soon could be really damaging. gnngh. I'm sort of old fashioned, I feel shes come into my home vunerable and theres a responsbility on me to respect and look after her so i dont want to be selfish and take away this "secure place" by making it an awkward one if she isnt interested. But now im talking in circles and thats why im looking for outside perspective on this.

I *have* dabbed my toe in the water. I left her a message when she was down saying i care about her probably a lot more than i should and was always there if she needed me, to which i got a heartfelt thanks but not alot else but no real negative effects either, just business as usual. Casual phsyical contact like brushing of arms or legs whilst talking doesnt cause her to flinch away
but neither will she necesarily choose to sit next to me for example.. one minute we're close leaning into each other happy as pie sharing a laptop screen and the next shes closed up and on the other sofa. A friend of mine has started taking an interest which is making me much more jealous than it should and i've noted shes much the same (what some would call slightly flirtatious) around him BUT for example if its just the three of us watching tv and i'm thinking of going out I sent a text to her phone saying so and asking if it would make things awkward and she'll secretly text back "please dont go" - its like.. wah! she says shes -not- interested in him but doesnt quite match the body language when he's here so that makes me query the body language i receive when its just us?

my gut feeling is we're both searching for something and havnt quite settled on it yet. we know we get on and get on well, i know *im* attracted to her but i dont know if she is to me. thats the million dollar question. if i knew she was we could take it slow, figure things out, see how it goes - but both already with the knowledge we ARE attracted so its not awkward later. if i knew she wasnt, fine i can get over that and continue as friends and i know it will be an amazing friendship. i just sort of need to know one way or the other.. but WHEN do i ask? too soon and she might not even know what she feels with the mess shes dealing with (or worse i scare her off), too late and.. well.. it will be too late.

sorry tons of typing, mind is spinning, feel i've probably missed a million important details - i'm an analytical person and tend to pick up nuances in people but the sheer volume of conflicting ones here has got me beat

uhh.. help?

[SingleBilingual]

I'm not an expert on relationships so I don't have any suggestions to give you.

I know a friend who is much older than me. He has a similar situation as you do. He was divorced and he remarried a few years ago. He married a woman who was also divorced previously. Me being dumped by my ex-gf has totally changed my view on relationships. While I never had a long term relationship and was never married, my friend has a healthy relationship with his new wife. His friends and family respect him. He has a good personality and has a successful career, so I understand why. His tone of voice is very friendly so people enjoy having conversations with him. This is why I respect him. The only downside is that he has to support four kids - two from his original wife.

[TLe]

I think she is just being polite to you since you help her. I say you shouldnt rush in, just stay where you are and enjoy the romance till you are sure about her signs to take the next step.