emotional affairs

[thumper]

When I got together with my girlfriend, she really wanted me to call her often... but I'm completely terrified of phones, and so I don't call her often and our calls are very short...

She loves to talk to her two ex boyfriends on the phone for hours though, sometimes daily... She says they were "internet relationships" and that so they never met in person so they don't count as exes. She's told me that she relies on them for emotional support because I hardly ever call her... She talks a lot to her supervisor as well, which really bothered me because she's slapped him before for wanting to lay hands on her. So I know for a fact that lots of the guys she talks to have a romantic interest in her, and she really really enjoys that :/

She says she loves me and despite big problems that we have she says she'll never leave me... but this not-calling her issue came up and we had a terrible fight and she became indignant that I could ever even doubt her and that I did not trust her.

The thing is, I am an introvert and a bit of an autistic so phone calls are in fact very terrifying for me... I've told her that if she doesn't like it that she should find someone nicer but she does not listen. She wants me but she wants to change me, but changing my fear of talking is impossible knowing that there are better more eloquent guys whom I will never be able to compare...

I believe her when she says she's never going to leave me... She's satisfied with our sex life and she seems to hold deep feelings for me... but I just don't know if I'm the one who's wrong here I love her a lot, but if I cannot fulfill her desires for phone calls then I do not think that we should be together...

What do you guys think? Should I just leave her? She's going through a lot, and certainly neither of us dislikes each other enough to want to leave... but she has already made it clear that she thinks I'm crazy for feeling the way that I do. I certainly wouldn't want to be with anybody else though, so don't tell me that there are bigger fish in the sea. I don't mind solitude either, which is where I'm headed to anyway...

[nerdy_guy]

She should be supportive of your problem. Its not like you don't wanna call, so she can't blame you. IN FACT, using other people to fill in the void of you not calling means that she's blaming you for it. Are you comfortable using PC-based communication, wherein you don't require a phone? can a mic and speaker substitute for a phone? If you feel you've been cheated on by her internet relationships, then its up to you to decide. But I still say that you having a mental problem with phones, should not be taken advantaged of just like that.

[kitkitkitty]

whether or not those internet guys counted as exes she's ridiculously out of order and is on her way to creating a lot of insecurity issues for you. she needs to understand it's not your fault, you're not doing it on purpose to hurt her. you can try talking to her more face-to-face when you're together, spend more time like that? how would you feel about txting?
she's being extremely selfish and is only thinking about HER needs rather than what YOU need- which is for her to stop talking to these damn blokes and it's clear that she's loving the attention.
tell her how this is making you feel.. she says that it's because she needs more emotional support? tell her to talk to you more about issues that matter to her when you're actually together.

[thumper]

heh, thank you so much for your reply.

It's not that I'm terrified of the phone itself... but the conversation. In person I'm quite talkative, but when I have a phone (or any other call making device) up on my ear my mind freezes and it goes blank. I remember when she called me at work to say that her mom had cancer- my mind shut off and no words escaped my mouth. I said nothing. And she hated that...

I understand that talking on the phone is a very important part of a relationship, and I wouldn't stop her if she wanted to break up... but she loves me too much and really wants me to change for her :/

I suppose my real question is this: is it wrong for her to talk, almost daily, with her exes over the phone because I hardly ever call her? She said so herself, "who am I supposed to talk to, nobody?" It really bothers me that she could use ex-internet romances for emotional support when it's taking me so long to build up the courage to get over this fear of conversations ._.

[thumper]

so I decided to rewrite my last thread in order to make myself more clear...

----

In the past, my IRL girlfriend has had two previous short-lived but nonetheless failed "internet" relationships before she met me; they're broken up now but they're still friends. Neither of them has met her in real life, but she never stopped talking to them, even after breaking up. They live far far away from her, many timezones away...

Guy#1 is currently her "best friend". She likes talking to him for hours on end, sometimes even daily. Her emotional bond with him is pretty tight; he's basically the first person she goes to any time that she's in trouble. He's respectful of our relationship though and keeps his distance...

Guy#2 isn't as strong a friend as the first one, but she still likes to text with him *a lot*. They talk on the phone every once in a while, and he continues to tell her how much he loves her and how much he wants her back. I'm not 'suspecting' any of this; she's very open with me and she's even giggled and showed me the phone any time he sent her something like that ._. But she still considers him a friend and hasn't shown any signs of deminishing communications with them.


Here's the problem though... I'm a very shy individual, so I've been neglecting her by not calling as often as she'd like :/ I'm very awkward when it comes to small talk, so awkward in fact that when she called me at work one time to tell me that her mom had cancer, my mind just froze and I became unable to respond. So she hung up and called Guy1, and he cried with her for at least an hour, or so she told me later ._.

One time I even told her that it bothered me that she's still talking to her two exes, but she thinks I'm being ridiculous and says that they don't even count as exes. "You never call me, who am I supposed to talk to, nobody?" she said.

***

She shows no signs of losing interest in me though; She loves me a lot and is even asking when we'll get engaged. Our sex life is fantastic, and in person it feels as though we are the perfect couple. But when we are apart, she knows that she cannot rely on me for comfort so she turns to the next best thing...

So my question is this: is it wrong for a girl to rely on distant internet ex-relationships to replace what I cannot give her? I trust that she won't fall in love with them, but it still makes me feel really insecure to know that more eloquent men are able to give her what I cannot give. I know I'm making a mistake by not calling her, and in fact I've asked her to just break up with me if I'm not enough, but breaking up is something that she simply does not want, she is too in love with me ._.

Would it be wrong for me to leave her because of this? I don't want her to stop talking to them, then she'll hate me and think I'm being jealous and controlling... and the last thing I want to ever do is dictate who she can and cannot talk to... She wants me to "change" and talk to her more so that she doesn't have to rely on them, but the fact that she relied on them in the first place really kinda bothers me :/

[masimo]

"she knows that she cannot rely on me for comfort so she turns to the next best thing..."

Why?

[thumper]

I've been neglecting her phonecall-wise which I understand is a mistake ._.

[masimo]

I've been neglecting her phonecall-wise which I understand is a mistake ._.

Then, rectify your mistakes my friend!

She shows no signs of losing interest in me though; She loves me a lot and is even asking when we'll get engaged. Our sex life is fantastic, and in person it feels as though we are the perfect couple

Even though she talks to other men "ex's"....this is obviously not affecting your relationship with this woman.

[Gigabitch]

It's a red flag when your significant other is getting her emotional needs met by another man.

Try to meet those needs yourself and stop looking for excuses to break up with her.

[Gigabitch]

FYI, threads merged together so as not to lose people's posts.

[IndiReloaded]

The thing is, I am an introvert and a bit of an autistic so phone calls are in fact very terrifying for me... I've told her that if she doesn't like it that she should find someone nicer but she does not listen.

She's satisfied with our sex life and she seems to hold deep feelings for me... but I just don't know if I'm the one who's wrong here I love her a lot, but if I cannot fulfill her desires for phone calls then I do not think that we should be together...

What do you guys think? Should I just leave her? She's going through a lot, and certainly neither of us dislikes each other enough to want to leave... but she has already made it clear that she thinks I'm crazy for feeling the way that I do. I certainly wouldn't want to be with anybody else though, so don't tell me that there are bigger fish in the sea. I don't mind solitude either, which is where I'm headed to anyway...

It doesn't sound to me like you truly care about her. You sound almost... indifferent. The 'autistic' label, even if true, is still just an excuse if it doesn't mean you won't extend yourself for someone you supposedly care about. 'Alcoholic' is a label too, but it doesn't make it okay. In fact, in your case, you sound intelligent so you have even less excuse not to at least try to modify your interactions to satisfy her.

That whole incident about her mom's cancer diagnosis has me really worried about her. Your response is NOT normal. Sure, I get what you said about freezing up (and some people do), but did you at least apologize to her afterward for not being able to support her at the time? Did she ever get a chance to get any emotional support from you? Or did you just shrug and feel a secret sense of relief that she just unloaded all those icky emotions onto someone else (i.e. so you didn't have to deal with them)?

[thumper]

I apologized to her and I did try to comfort her later and she says it's ok, but she said "I learned something that day, that I cannot count on you when I need you. But it's ok I'm over it so stop worrying about it"

[Indignant]

i just love this thread. i was thinking about conversations and voices this morning before i even read this thread. it seems that all my partners were always great communicators and had pleasant voices. i never had relationships with handsome men (besides sleeping with), but when it came to long term, they had to have great communication skills and beyond pleasant voices. my friends always told me how sexy their voices are.

the point is, if you gf is anything like me, your relationship will not last.

[IndiReloaded]

I apologized to her and I did try to comfort her later and she says it's ok, but she said "I learned something that day, that I cannot count on you when I need you. But it's ok I'm over it so stop worrying about it"

What did you do to fix this when she said this^?

The bolded part is death to a relationship. I hope you didn't actually believe her last comment (that it was okay), she just said that to soothe YOU.

[kitkitkitty]

you can't go out with someone that you can't count on, whatever that may be.