Illness, immaturity, and love.

[sleepykitty]

Please give me your thoughts. I'm sorry this is so long. I am 24, my fiance is 25. We have lived with his parents since I was 18 - at first, it was because we could not otherwise have afforded to go to college. I am still in college, while he stopped after getting his Associate's almost two years ago. My problem starts just after he graduated. He became increasingly ill - he was vomiting constantly, unable to eat, in severe stomach pain. Since he had no insurance, he refused to go to the doctor. Even after ending up in the ER, he dragged his feet and seized on any excuse not to go to the doctor. (He said two things, one that he couldn't afford it, and two that there was nothing the doctors could do for him.) During this, he couldn't work, and his parents pretty much paid all his bills. I became emotionally exhausted - I was (and still am) under a heavy school and workload. I would spend all day at school and working, come home to comfort and care for him as he moaned and cried in pain, only to do it again the next day. Finally, he had the necessary tests done, was diagnosed with multiple problems, and got on medication. Things got better, but I feel like he got too used to being taken care of. He has only half-heartedly looked for work. The bad economy makes it necessary to go after jobs aggressively, which he would not do. Finally, he's found seasonal work. Monday, he started feeling ill again. I told him to call the dr, he did not, and today he is back to being as sick as he ever was.

I can't take it anymore. I love him so much. He has always treated me with love and respect, but I need my own home. We have lived with his parents too long. We need to move out, and he needs to have steady work. But I can't afford to pay for both of us my own, and mixed with my sympathy for his illness and pain is frustration and anger. I don't need much. But I need my own home, I need to progress along the path to adulthood and independence, and I need a partner I can rely on. The illness isn't his fault - but that doesn't change the fact that I'm unhappy. Complicating this is that otherwise our relationship is wonderful.
What can I do? I feel so trapped and desperate. We can't have our own home unless he works, he can't work unless he's healthy, and even when he's healthy I'm not sure I can count on him to do what it necessary to find and keep a steady job. If I made enough money to support us both, I gladly would. The thought of not being with him makes me sick, but the thought of stagnating as we have been for the past two years makes me sick as well.
Please give me your thoughts on the matter. I just don't know what to do.

[qwertz]

so he got sick again when he started work but had been ok up until then?

[sleepykitty]

Yeah, basically. Part of it is that heavy lifting/physical labor can irritate his problems, and the work he found involved a lot of lifting. The other part was that work meant sticking to his rather strict diet became difficult - he couldn't eat when he was supposed to, and often had to grab a quick meal whenever he could, whether it was healthy for him or not. It didn't make him sick right away, but after a couple weeks of it he's sick again.

[Gigabitch]

I know this sounds cold as ice, but I think you should leave him. You haven't taken those wedding vows yet, and it's not too late to walk away and try to find someone who can contribute equally to a life together.

[qwertz]

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQaCy2lgb0I"]YouTube- Broadcast Yourself.[/ame]

[sleepykitty]

I've never really thought about leaving him, to be honest. Just the thought of not having him in my life is painful, and it's almost unbearable for me to think about causing him pain by leaving him. And life with him, when he's healthy, doesn't seem this hopeless and stagnated. It's not even that I desire an equal relationship - I'm fine with being the primary breadwinner and the more responsible one. It's just that I need something to work with, and I feel like I have nothing. I'm not sure if being with him when he's sick like this causes me more pain than the though of leaving him. There's also an immense amount of guilt at thinking of leaving him for something he can't control. It's not like he's cheated or been cruel to me - other than his sickness, I have no real reason to leave him.

BTW, thank you two for replying. It helps me a lot to bounce ideas off other people and think things through with different perspectives.

[jessZ]

Hey kitty, i can completely understand your frustration, but I also think this is something that you may need to be patient with, because you clearly love him and see a future with him. I know that getting your own place seems very important right now, but you're both still young and life is full of obstacles that can sometimes mean you don't get what you want you know... I realise that you've been living with his parents for quite some time now, but I guess if you guys are committed to each other you need to go through the good times and the harder times. You sound very understanding and supportive, but maybe take a step back and consider whether moving house (or not) should be a dealbreaker.

I think though he needs to show you more clearly that he wants to work in the future and is moving towards that. It sounds as if he has gotten a bit lazy and complacent. Like, his health issues sound serious, but if he by nature lacks motivation it could make re-entry to the workforce more difficult. Do you think being sick has also impacted on this self esteem? That could also be a barrier.

Oh I hope some of that helps!

[kms]

As with any successful relationship, communication is key. You need to sit him down and explain all of this to him. Tell him exactly what is bothering you, what needs to change, and what the time frame is for implementing those changes - and what the consequences are if he continues in the same path. It is not your job to be his mother, nurse, and caretaker. And if you are living with his family, why is it YOUR responsibility to take care of him? He's their son and their blood relative, not yours. If he can't support his weight in the relationship and provide for your needs, then he is incapable of a romantic relationship, no matter how much you may care for him. A lifetime of sacrifice and caring for his needs with none of that in return can build up resentment over time... and, if a guy comes along who happens to notice all your good qualities and is more than willing to give you what you need, it'll be a HUGE temptation not to cheat.

Also remember that you are not married to him - so this idea of being bound to him no matter what crap comes up does not apply to you. I think you should at LEAST move out on your own, remove your financial and caretaker support and let his family pick up the slack. Perhaps then they might also get involved and be harder on him than you are being, which may give him the kick in the pants that he needs. No more financial assistance, no more live-in nurse, no more constant mothering and looking after his every need - sure, then he may actually change. But when you're providing all of that for him now, he has absolutely no incentive to do anything differently.

[TheWizard]

I agree with KMS on this one, you need to communicate.

My views as a guy are probably different given the nature of males vs females and a females more emotional ties (generalist statement, but I don't mean it negatively) to a person, particularly a SO. As a guy I think he's definitely gone soft from all the care taking. If it's been going on for years it's slipped into routine for him, and like changing any kind of routine it's difficult and abrasive for those involved.

While I'm not in as bad a shape as he is, I do have my own medical problems that I had to learn to deal with that are nto typical of someone in their mid 20's. It's a daily thing for me, and one of the best things I do for myself is be proactive in my health. I go to the gym, I eat a bit better and avoid foods known to upset my condition. It almost sounds like he's not interested in trying to take control of this and is happy to wallow in the pain and be taken care of.

This might be a bit extreme but there are actually psychological disorders that might be at play here. It's the kind of thing that is developed over years of dependence, and being the center of attention at the drop of a hat based on his sickness. Please don't take this to mean I am implying anything, I'm just vocalizing a very rare but possible point that he may have become attached to the dependency and his parents/girlfriend accommodating his every whim "just because he's sick". There was no sugar coated way to articulate that, but now it's on the table. Be gentle with me!

All my opinions aside, step one is communication. Talk to him about it like KMS suggested. I'm just shining the light on some of the darker corners of the room that may or may not have something sitting in it, and I apologize if any of it was difficult to swallow.

[vashti]

hello kitty (haha)

What's his diagnosis? It will help determine how much sympathy he's gonna get from me.