Hello there! I hope everyone is doing well! Thanks for taking a moment to read my post.
To cut to the chase, here's my relationship dilemma:
I'm a 33 yo female, dating a 41 yo man. We've been together almost a year. A few months ago he deployed to Afghanistan. It's been difficult to say the least. Essential info: We love each other, are growing our relationship, have no fidelity issues, and have started talking about marriage.
So the problem?
We met (and started dating) about 3 months after he ended a serious relationship that ended with his trust being sorely broken by his ex. Our relationship ignited quickly and we soon found that we were great friends and mates. I am certain he carried (carries) emotional sores with him from his last relationship, but he's been intent on moving forward in a healthy manner. I was uncertain about dating him, given his recent break up, but his earnestness compelled me to continue dating him (and he is an earnest person). Nearly two months into dating, he said that perhaps we could consider moving in together in a few months when both of our leases expire. When the time arrived for a discussion (and after I inquired about his statement), he told me that he and his family did not believe in pre-marital cohabitation and that we should see how the r'shp evolves. While I didn't disagree with him, I was upset at how that situation played out.
Two months later (now four months into our r'ship) he received orders for a one-year tour in Afghanistan. It was shocking to us both, since he wasn't slated for a deployment. But, deploy he must. And so, our relationship quickly devolved from the "wooing/courtship" period to "sacrifice and commitment". He told me that he loved me (I believe him), and I told him that I loved him too. We spent the next several weeks preparing physically and emotionally for his deployment. It's been beyond difficult.
Which brings me to today: We are now about 3 months in to his deployment, and I'm having an increasingly difficult time handling his deployment... mainly because of the uncertainties surrounding our relationship. I would like to get married/have kids, and he's expressed the same. We've talked about what it would be like to do that together (admittedly, this initial conversation required me to prod him a bit). Since then, he's been proactive in talking about what the future for us would be like, and has said that he hopes we'll get engaged sometime in 2013, and married in 2014.
But if I can be totally honest (on an internet forum): I am anxious. Part of me fears that he'll do a bait-and-switch like he did about living together when we first started dating. Moreover, (and maybe this is wrongfully old-fashioned), but I had hoped he would bring up marriage before I did (and without my prodding). I think the origin of my anxiety is this: we didn't have enough time during the "courtship" period for him to show to me that his feelings are genuine, mainly because his deployment interfered with that. As a result, I feel anxious that the man I love may not be quite as invested in the relationship as I.
And further, I want to be supportive of him while he is deployed. He's risking his life over there, and the last thing he needs is a relationship quandary.
I want to do the right thing, by him, and by myself. I welcome all comments and perspectives, as this is quite unfamiliar territory for me.
Thank you in advance!