Hi everyone I used to be pretty confident, and well, I think for the most part I still am. OK, maybe not so much. I mentally know that I can do things well (draw, sing, etc.) and sometimes this makes me feel like I'm very blessed to have such talents. However, I can't FEEL peoples' compliments as much as I used to. I'm trying to take things to heart but for some reason it's hard to really feel proud and think, "Oh wow, you're right! Thanks, I do have a great singing voice!" or something of the sort.
My mom passed away and my Dad loves me, but when I was younger my dad and I clashed a lot. Even though he loved me, I didn't feel supported and I didn't feel loved.
Now I'm starting to realize that a lot of my friends from high school don't seem to care about our friendships and it hurts. Sometimes I really want to spent time with them or talk to them but our schedules have gotten so hectic and some just don't seem to have an interest.
I try to actively pursue my future because I'm excited about the plans I have for it I'm excited to become a Spanish teacher and I would like to teach ESL abroad. I would also like to sell art on the side. I also try to take care of myself but sometimes it slips. I feel so much better about myself when I'm in shape and healthy....
But sometimes I feel somewhat depressed when I look at all my friends at college because the grand majority of them are in loving relationships. I would love to have a relationship like that, and it's hard when you look around you and you're reminded of what you don't have. I've been single for about two years (some months over two years actually) and I try to put myself out there. My last relationship was extremely painful, and over the summer I thought I was going to date this other guy. We had gone on a few dates but he never even called me back to discuss everything I fell pretty hard because all of our mutual friends also thought we were going to date.....and I felt pretty betrayed that he didn't even have the decency to return my call and not lead me on. And now, the guy that I'm kind of "involved with" isn't ready for a relationship but it's hard not to let my feelings rush ahead of me like I did with the other guy during the summer.
It seems like it's quite easy for my friends to meet boyfriends, but I don't know why it's so difficult for me. I know their relationships must have problems, but they seem truly happy together. And I know this sounds REALLY pessimistic but I feel like love is just something that wasn't meant for me because the more I search for it, the less I find it. Or "love" always is paired with stupid mind games or baggage or some other displeasing thing ....
I don't know how to not act desperate or stand-offish. I have so many other things in my life going for me but I don't know how to feel truly confident because I feel like I'm deffective in some way for not being able to get a boyfriend ( I feel like I scare them off or something ) And I don't know why almost virtually everyone else in my life can find a boyfriend that loves them and cares for them while I can't.
How do all you singles not feel frustrated and desperate after being so long without a relationship?
It's human to want to be part of a relationship; to love and receive love....and it's something that I want.
But I can't seem to get it....and I don't know why.