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Thread: Falling for somebody who cannot let go of another man

  1. #1
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    Falling for somebody who cannot let go of another man

    Hi loveforum my situation is the following,

    I have been writing with a woman my age (mid/early 30s) for about two weeks. She does not live in my state, but not too far away either. She is simply wonderful, very smart, very compassionate, seems to have a great character and we share some of the same hobbies. After about the first week, she kept talking more and more about her ex-boyfriend, well you could not even call him that, there was nothing more than cuddling going on in more than half a year and it is really obvious that he is not particularly interested in her. But he likes the attention while looking for other women it seems and likes to have her safe somehow so they meet every 1 or 2 weeks, but nothing really happens, so he doesn't seem to want to let go of her maybe because of his ego and she can't it seems because she likes him a lot.

    Well.. after the most recent time he ignored her, she to some extent maybe realizes that it's not working out and she sent him messages like it's his fault that it ended and he could have had her and he doesn't deserve her etc. but I believe she is still hoping for him to ask for her attention, make a date... and it will start anew. She keeps asking me what to do about him and I told her that he is not the right one for her (which is definitely true, completely aside from my personal interest in her losing contact with him). She also says she knows it, but her head can't win over her heart right now and she needs time to understand it, but as he does not seem willing to let her go and over and over throws some hope along her away, she can't get away from him. And while I love talking to her, it also hurts me a bit every time she mentions him.

    She's been pretty unlucky with men in general. While talking to me about how she wants one who respects her, doesn't try to change her and accepts her the way she is, she can't seem to let go of those who care nothing for her and keep hurting her. The two of us were having hour-long talks in messengers every night the last few days and we totally seem to be on the same wavelength, our views about basically everything in terms of life, love etc. It's not like she is only texting me about this other man, we talk about everything really. Even after such a brief time, I must say I hardly never felt such a strong connection with somebody. The good (or bad?) thing is that this could be the beginning of an amazing friendship too actually. But there's no way I can ask her for a meeting at this point because her head is full with this other guy and besides she has temporary psychological issues that are so severe that she cannot even leave the house most of the time. The picture she sent me was really appealing too. I am pretty sure the moment I see her in real, I will fall for her if I haven't already. I am really struggling with this situation and with what's the best way to behave.

  2. #2
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    The logical thing to do is to move on. You, like her, is investing in something that will not materialize. She wasted a year and a half on a guy that used her while he looked for someone new....well she is using you to heal, and most likely will not give you anything else. What is pain? pain is to tell you to get out of that situation because it's bad for you...that's a signal to you to get out while you can.

  3. #3
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    I have been writing with a woman my age (mid/early 30s) for about two weeks.

    She also says she knows (he's not good for her), but her head can't win over her heart right now and she needs time to understand it, but as he does not seem willing to let her go and over and over throws some hope along her away, she can't get away from him.
    She's way too preoccupied with this supposed ex of hers to be 100% available and present for anything---even friendship. I seriously doubt that what they have is a relationship more than it is a huge ball of power struggle going on with both of them intent on winning.

    The good (or bad?) thing is that this could be the beginning of an amazing friendship too actually.
    Do you just want to be her male girlfriend? That's what girlfriends do--talk about their relationships and trying to "understand" the obvious.

    But there's no way I can ask her for a meeting at this point because her head is full with this other guy and besides she has temporary psychological issues that are so severe that she cannot even leave the house most of the time.
    What kind of temporary severe psychological issues?

    The picture she sent me was really appealing too. I am pretty sure the moment I see her in real, I will fall for her if I haven't already. I am really struggling with this situation and with what's the best way to behave.
    Don't waste your time. Her focus is on another man.

    But if you choose to waste your time, I think you should meet in person sooner than later--so that you're not building an artificial construct around who you want her to be instead of who she actually is. You don't have to ask her to marry you on the day you meet her--but at the very least, Skype/Facetime/Snapchat so that who she actually is is who is in that picture she sent to you.

    Cool your jets about her until you two have had a couple of in person meetings/interactions before you let your imagination off its leash, only to let you down because she wasn't who you created in your mind.
    Last edited by Minikimini; 23-04-18 at 06:09 AM.
    People treat you the way they feel about you

    If you choose to remain with someone who doesn't treat you well, you cease being the victim and become the volunteer.

    ~Derrick Jaxn -- look him up

  4. #4
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    I agree with what the others have had to say... but especially with this part.

    Quote Originally Posted by Minikimini View Post
    Do you just want to be her male girlfriend? That's what girlfriends do--talk about their relationships and trying to "understand" the obvious.
    I'll add to that, though. Obviously at least part of you wants to be more than friends with her.... but could you HONESTLY be okay with it if you two just became good friends and nothing more? Be okay with it if she eventually meets some other guy... they fall in love... the get engaged.... they get married. And, by that, I mean you could honestly 100% forget any chance of being more than friends, move on, and look for love in other women instead of her. AND... more to that I mean ACTUALLY whole-heartedly looking for love elsewhere. I do NOT mean that some part of you would just be wishing those women were her whether you even realize it or not.

    If you can HONESTLY answer yes, that you'd be okay with it if that inevitably was the result... THEN I'd say go ahead and remain friends with her fer now. You never know what could happen in time. In time she may FINALLY get over this guy. If/when that happens, maybe she'll realize you are everything she wants. If/when that happens, maybe you'll still be single yourself and still interested in her. You never know.... BUT, you should never put your own life on hold waiting around for something that may never happen.

    You shouldn't wait for her hoping she'll some day realize you are the man of her dreams. More likely than not, you'll just wind up wasting your time, getting hurt, and having to have the same end result of removing her from your life anyway. You should never pursue somebody who is so obviously still hooked on somebody else. No matter how much she may intellectually know he's bad for her... she can't seem to help (at least for now) that she still wants him. So, even if she did go out with you, it probably wouldn't be with her full heart. That's not right to you.

    So, I would agree with the others. Better to move on and assume nothing will ever come of it. That COULD mean still being her friend if you think you truly could handle that... or it may mean having to just remove her from your life. Don't get me wrong, you don't have to tell her off or anything like that. It isn't like you need to tell her to buzz off and leave you alone. She didn't necessarily do anything wrong per se. It's just, you'd be better off without that in your life if you don't think you could get over her while she's still around.

    Good luck to you.

  5. #5
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    What do you want in regards to her?

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