Mental Attraction – Should I ask her out?

[FlaCooln]

Here is the deal…there is a woman I been have talking to. We have some mutual friends, so I have seen her out few times over the last month. We seem to have excellent conversation and a lot in common. She is very intelligent, successful, and seems like a very fun/nice person. I’m definitely getting the vibe from her that she is interested in me. My problem is if I should ask her out. For me it is a mental attraction, however physically she is not my type. She has a pretty face, but is what I would call a “full figured gal,” is really sweet, and voluptuous women.

I’m coming out of an almost 4.5 year relationship that I ended about 8 months ago. I am ready for a relationship and want one. This would not be a rebound, as I don’t really believe in that crap and I guess I already had my fling or rebound if that was what it was. But, I don’t want to lead this girl on. I am worried that I am just a bit lonely and since this girl is giving me attention and is interesting I am tempted to ask her out. It is like when someone really likes you it feels nice to be liked, so I want to give her a chance.

So should I ask her out?

[michelle23]

if she is not your type physically-i don't think its a good idea. i know looks are not everything but there has to be attraction and sexual chemistry to go with all the other great things you described.

If that is missing-you will get bored eventually and find yourself trying to change or improve her appearance to satisfy what you deem to be attractive.

I made that mistake once-going out with a good friend but no attraction. It was doomed from the start. We were like two friends who hung out and watched films, talked a bit, held hands sometimes, barely kissed.. I didn't feel close to him, never connected emotionally, never opened up or talked about anything important, didn't want to sleep with him and in the end he cheated on me and hurt me badly. ruined our friendship and we never spoke again..

[FlaCooln]

I just feel I am being a bit shallow here. She is a great girl and has everything that I look for emotionally/mentally and we seem to connect on that level. Physically I find her pretty, but I don't have that deep sexual attraction and desire for her that I usually look for. Of course our friends want me to ask her out, as they think we would make a great couple.

I did forget to mention that the last time we were all out together and the night ended she gave everyone a hug and a kiss on the cheek. But, mine was a little different. She hugged me, touched my hand, and gave me a very heart warming soft kiss on the neck. I get the feeling she may even ask me out, if I don't. She is a strong/professional woman and I don't think she has any problems asking a guy out.

[michelle23]

Well its your decision obviously. But you are risking hurting her. I mean if that special attraction is missing with her and you find it with someone else in the meantime-you will be more tempted to cheat or leave her for someone else if that makes sense?

When there is something missing from a relationship-it nearly always leads to problems. And most things you can fix. You can improve conversation by starting a new hobby together, you can improve sex with communication or with sex therapy, you can make the connection deeper by having long deep conversations etc.. Every other problem you run into can be fixed but you cant force attraction.

I dont think it would be shallow not to go out with her. If your not feeling it for her-you cant help that.

[FlaCooln]

I think your right, Michelle. I can't fool myself into being sexually attracted to this girl. Part of me wants to just take her out and see how it goes, but I think my eyes would eventually wonder to some hot thing that passes by. I would never cheat, but if something is missing I can't force it. Thanks.

[ashley89]

I think you just like the attention of talking to this girl and since she has a great personality it makes you attracted to her, but if you aren't physically attracted I agree that it won't work out in the long run. you've only been single 8 months which isn't long at all, and you don't want to settle just because someone is nice to you. there's nothing wrong with just being friends with this girl. take some time to really enjoy being independent and then you can find someone who has the whole package!

[michelle23]

Your welcome. Don't feel bad about it. You cant help it. Its really admirable that the intellectual/emotional connection is so important to you and you can find that with someone your also attracted to.

I don't think you should get too friendly with this girl though. It could lead to problems when you meet someone else and start a new relationship. Just keep things on a polite neutral level and good luck to you

[FlaCooln]

Thanks Ashley. I have been enjoying being independent/single. But, for the last 2 months or so I have really been missing the companionship of a good woman and all the wonderfull things that come with a relationship. Settling would be bad and if wanted to settle I would have never ended my last relationship.

I agree I should not get too friendly with her, but its hard as we have mutual friends who I hang out with a lot. So we are bound to see each other fairly regularly. I guess its time to put the friendzone into action and avoid any flirting.

[ashley89]

I have been enjoying being independent/single. But, for the last 2 months or so I have really been missing the companionship of a good woman and all the wonderfull things that come with a relationship. Settling would be bad and if wanted to settle I would have never ended my last relationship.

yeah I get that way too! I have been single for awhile and am looking to get serious with someone but haven't found the right guy yet. she's out there for you :] I'm glad you realized your last relationship needed to end

[FlaCooln]

yeah I get that way too! I have been single for awhile and am looking to get serious with someone but haven't found the right guy yet. she's out there for you :] I'm glad you realized your last relationship needed to end

Thanks, when it ended I had NEVER felt such a relief and sense of calm in my life. Ya its not easy to find that special someone, too many crazies and emotionally immature/closed off people out there.

[michelle23]

Well after ending such a long term relationship im sure you have a good idea of what you want in a woman so hold tight till you find her

[FlaCooln]

Well after ending such a long term relationship im sure you have a good idea of what you want in a woman so hold tight till you find her

LOL sure do. Thought I found it with the last one, but she turned out to be fools gold.

[michelle23]

What happened with the last one? I'm sure you probably posted about it already but I cant remember.

[FlaCooln]

What happened with the last one? I'm sure you probably posted about it already but I cant remember.

Well we were together for almost 5 years and lived together for the last 2. She just got lazier and lazier and was too tired to go out most of the time. On Fridays nights she would pass out cold by 10pm and I would be stuck watching TV. Its not that I always wanted to go clubbing, but its nice to socialize with friends and go dancing sometimes. I would sometimes go out with my friends or even her friends, but she didn't seem to like me going out without her and wanted me beside her so most of the time I was just bored. She was happy being a homebody and just falling asleep early, as long as she was cuddling with me. She made no effort to buy groceries or even attempt to cook me a meal. I had tried to teach her to cook and even took her to Publix/shopping numerous times, she just didn't make the effort and I always had to figure out every meal. She would rather buy me something materialistic then do the little things.

When we had sex it was really good, but it was always on her time, seemed so scheduled, and I was lucky to get it once or twice a week. Before we lived together twice a week was fine, but I guess my sex drive is way higher then hers and me being around a beautiful woman all the time gets me going. In my past relationships this had never been a problem, as my previous GFs were way more sexual and spontaneous like me. I eventually realized I was bored, unhappy, and felt unappreciated for all the things I did for her.

[michelle23]

Living together will either make or break the relationship. It sounds like you made the right decision. I remember your last post now.