Can't Lie. I'm in Love With My Best Friend

[Blakimus]

Hi, I'm new. This is my first post and I'm gonna cut right to the chase.

Sorry, I know this is a little long but any advice would be appreciated.

Ok, 2 years ago I told my best female friend that I had feelings for her. Long story short, things didn't work out. While at one point it looked like I may have ruined our friendship, in the long run it actually brought us closer together. She gained a huge level of trust in me. I'd convinced her and myself that I no longer had any desires for anything more and that I was content with what I had. She left for her first year of college and I went off to my second year but first in a new school.

I spent the better part of the next 2 semesters drinking, smoking weed, and having one night stands. I would see her on school breaks like Christmas and such. During that time she met the love her life and that led to her first long term serious relationship. Here's where things get a little weird. You would think I'd be somewhat upset by this. I wasn't! I couldn't have been happier for her. Once I met the guy and he got my approval that is. I became the older brother she never had. Surprisingly, I liked it! I embraced it! I know that is something guys almost NEVER say but it's true. I enjoyed being her "go to" guy and as a result I had one of the best friends anyone could ever hope for. We even went as far as to joke about when she gets married I'll be the one taking the groom to the bachelor party but making sure he still gets up in time for the wedding the next day.

Fast forward to around Christmas time last year. She's still in the heart of her relationship and at the same time I'm taking an interest in a mutual friend of ours. Things were going well (my friend was even helping me out a little) but then i screwed that all up with a drunk dial one night. Kept pursuing that girl for 6 months, convinced that she was the one I absolutely wanted. Due to her self-esteem problems and the fact that i ruined any chance of her fully trusting me that didn't go down.

2 weeks ago, her boyfriend of 15 months broke up with her. Naturally, I offered my shoulder for her to cry on and my services should she need someone to beat the holy hell out of him. Fortunately she didn't. Upon consoling her for the past 2 weeks and getting together with her this weekend, I came to a scary realization. I'm not over her! I still like her! I can't lie to myself anymore. The problem is, i don't know what to do! I can't lose her friendship. She's no longer just my best female friend. She's the best friend I've got. We've become like family to each other. She made it clear 2 years ago that she does not see me in "that way" and we'd never be anything more than friends. Why was I so content when she was taken and now that she's single again I have these desires? It makes no sense! I was so content with the way things were. But now I'm so attracted to her and it's almost as bad as 2 years ago. What do I do?

If 2 years, one of hardcore partying and one night stands, another guy in her life, my pursuit of another woman, and my initial content with being a brother to her aren't enough to get over her, what is? I mean, she's my best friend and right now I feel like I been lying to my best friend for over 2 years.

[flea]

have you had any intimate contact with her? if not, I'd say just leave it alone and be thankful for having a great friend.

I went down a similar road once, and once we kissed (even though it was one of the most sensational kisses I've ever had), it just went kinda weird. we even tried going out for a little while, but things were just.....different, by which I mean not good.

I don't really have any contact with her now, which I really regret (there were other factors involved, but not important here) because I lost the best friend I ever had. it wasn't brotherly for me though, I just genuinely loved her as a human being.

[davidtorres]

She made it clear 2 years ago that she does not see me in "that way"

When a girl tells you that she sees you as just a friend then believe that is true. Ive dated girls that has guy friends that wants them. The girl will always tell me that her guy friends wants her but shes just not that into him. I see it through the guy friends eye and i kinda feel bad coz he was there for her for years. Then here I am, the new guy dating the girl that he wants for years. Its really hard to get with the girl once your on the ladder of friendship.

Look man, dont waste your time since whatever you do wont change her mind. Like I always said before, if she wants you then she will be with you. Grow up, let it go and accept that the only thing you will get from her is friendship.

[Blakimus]

flea- Honestly yeah. We've actually had a lot of intimate contact in the years that we've known each other. We hug all the time. She likes to be held, especially in rough times like these so that's something I've always done for her. We used to to cuddle on the couch while watching movies together. She also does this thing that she knows drives me crazy. She'll hug me from behind. I especially love it when she does it surprisingly and catch me off-guard. This was all back when she was single. When she was dating our contact was simply hugging to say hello and hugging to say good-bye and understandably so. The only kissing involved the cliche'd peck on the cheek (AKA: Kiss of death that says "We're gonna be friends forever") and once when she was really drunk she "kissed me good-bye." so, yeah we've had physical contact but nothing that indicates we'd ever be more than friends. Maybe I went a little too far when I said "brotherly" I simply meant that in a way that I was very protective of her when she was in a relationship. Like you said, I just love her in general.

davidtorres- You're absolutely right dude and I'm certainly not going to disagree. I thought I made it clear in my original post that I'm well aware we're never going to be together. My issue here is whether or not the feelings I have can ruin our friendship and if there's a way to get over them. Read the last paragraph again. if THAT'S not enough, what is?

[Primo]

Yes, your feelings can ruin the friendship. I had a girl be dishonest with me about just being friends. When she professed her love in a beautiful letter, even though I was truly touched, deep down I felt betrayed and lied to. We remained friends, but there was a significant distance I kept after that and it kept growing.

[davidtorres]

Yes it can ruin because you cant get over that feelings. If you want to get over her then you need to date girls and stop talking to her for the meantime. the less you see or talk to her, the faster you'll move on with your life. The more u see her the more your feelings will be stronger.

[sal_2_dope]

ona lighter note,
u could just help her get a new BF and u can continue ur weed session for another 2 yrs.

[Blakimus]

That's not an option. I'm not really a partyer anymore. I spend too much time focused on school and my career.

This may all be null and void anyway. She may be getting back with her ex as early as this evening. THey're meeting tonight and having dinner to discuss things. Therefore I'll just go back to watching over her and making sure he doesn't hurt again.

[Blakimus]

UPDATE:
Well, it's a month later and things have gotten worse. A couple weeks ago she decided to get back with her boyfriend. At first I was thrilled. I thought things would get back to normal and I would finally see her happy again. However, my worst fear has been realized. I thought I'd just go back to being a brotherly figure and those feelings would once again disappear (at least until her next break-up). But now she is in a relationship and I STILL feel for her. I'm at a complete loss as to what to do. The only thing possible is to leave her completely. But I CAN'T do that under any circumstances. Sure, I may get over her but at what cost? I'd lose my best friend and possibly other friends who would hate me for it. Hell, my own family would resent me a little. They love having her around. My mom is still under the false impression that we'll be together someday.
Plus, i would seriously hurt her if I left and that's something I simply cannot live with. On top of it all, I'm not even 100% leaving would work at this point.

It's just not good. She and her boyfriend still have troubles all the time and I find myself saying stupid things to myself like "This wouldn't happen if she was with me." Those are dangerous thoughts.

With her boyfriend back in the picture, telling her about any of this is definitely out of the question. I fear she may figure it out eventually though. We've been talking a lot more lately.

I love her. I want to be as close to her as humanly possible. But I DON'T want these desires that just never seem to leave. i don't want to feel this way. I just want to love her and be the best friend that I could possibly be to her. At this point I'm convinced I could meet someone else, have a relationship with that person, propose, and then realize on my wedding night that I still desire this girl!

[flea]

wow, I'd forgotten that I'd posted here...


Blakimus this is a subject close to my heart, which is normally surrounded by concrete reinforced sherman tanks, 15 foot chainlink fences with razor-wire loops at the top, and zombies with AK-47's guarding the entrance.

I was very lucky, in that one drunkish night my best friend confessed feelings for me that I thought only I had for her. we kissed (she actually looked at me with a pair of the sexiest bedroom eyes I've ever seen at one point and said "**** me!" - which I totally didn't do, because she was drunk) and I was on top of the world. we had an awkward courtship after that because I was kinda banned from seeing her for a while, because she got plastered at my place, and threw up everywhere at home when she got there, lol. sorry, I'm rambling....we got together in the end and it just wasn't the same, we didn't last too long as a couple.

nothing nasty or unkind happened between us in our time together, but it just wasn't 'us'. I used to be able to talk on the phone with her for hours....literally hours, and after getting together things just seemed "different". it's sad, but true that some friendships should remain exactly that. even sadder is (as already mentioned) that we don't have anything to do with one another now - convoluted story, never-mind - and I miss her very much.

sorry B, I probably haven't been of any help. I personally think that you should cherish the friendship you have with her, and be there for her if she needs you. she's told you no-more-than-friends, but I never got that speech, so I followed my heart when the opportunity presented itself.


it didn't work out.