Are relationships supposed to be so much work?

[Becca-leigh]

My partner and I have been together for nearly 2yrs. I am due to give birth to our baby in a week. He has a teenage son from a previous relationship. We have pretty much been inseparable since we met. He is quite a few years my senior though that has never bothered me or him before. When we did meet we were both heavy into drugs and neither of us really cared about much else. He lived with his parents because he needed them to be permanent babysitters for his boy (this really pisses me off), he paid rent and the rest of his pay went to drugs. I lived in a caravan on a mates property, paid rent and got wasted. Match made in heaven :/
Anyway. When I found out I was expecting (wasn't planned) I quit all the drugs drinking smoking and started to pull my socks up. I found a house to rent and got a part time job and he started to clean up his act aswell (I wouldn't have him around the baby otherwise). So 8months down the track and I'm not happy. I know I'm hormonal but I think this goes beyond hormones. We just don't click anymore. I did love him but I can barely stand him now. He doesn't communicate at all, which never used to bother me, maybe cause I was to high to notice or care. He is a really good man, has been good to the baby and me (making sure I have plenty of fruit and veg that sort of thing), but we are just totally different people I think. His way of thinking and doing things is just weird in my books. Sex life.....what sex life? I have tried for months now to address the situation with him, telling him very plainly that I'm not happy in this relationship anymore and can we try to fix things. But he just sticks his head in the sand and I'm really over being the only one in this that is wanting to work on us. It's like he would rather just pretend that all is well and hope for the best but I am fully aware that this can only end in heartache. Surely relationships shouldn't be this trying ALL the time? Is he a part of my life, along with the drugs that I am 'over'? Should I just be unhappy and see how things work out? I'm am tired of thinking about it, any suggestions would really be appreciated ?

[Glea]

Hey,

You aren't giving us any detail about what actuallly annoys you...

Anyway, i think one month before you give birth isn't the right time to mull over your relationship. You should try and focus only on making it through the last month, doing every possible thing that makes you feel good.

[Becca-leigh]

I was trying not to bore everyone with the nitty gritty details everything he does annoys me as bad as it sounds. The way he will do something 'half as*ed' example- he will wash up and leave the pots and pans, will water the gardens and leave the hose sprawled over the lawn (which my dog loves to chew). I thought at first he would eventually finish the job..I was wrong. The lack of communication makes me want to scream! I am a very open person, will speak what is on my mind, let him know what I'm doing or thinking and he is complete opposite. I have to drag all and any information out of him. He will not tell me important things like he 'lost his job!' because he thought it would just worry me, which I can see his point but in a relationship, there should be communication from both sides yeah? I am a very open minded person and like to try and see things from everybodys perspective but he is very set in the way he see's things and refuses to pit himself in anothers shoes which I find REALLY frustrating. He makes excuses instead of just being truthful example- he say's he has been looking for work but has not sent his resume out, he has not been searching the jobs in the paper nor on the net, why not just be truthful and tell me he is happy to stay unemployed for awhile? Another thing that really gets on my nerves is his son, well how he deals with the situation. For 10years he And his teenage son had been living with his elderly parents, relying totally on them to raise his boy while he was out doing everything he shouldn't be. When I found this house I made sure it had a room for his boy (who I get along with quite well), when he lost his job he sent his son to live with his parents again cause he couldn't afford to run him to school everyday (we live a hr away) which I understand but if he really wanted him to stay with us, get a job! He is a aircon mech and rekons there is no jobs for him, if he was serious about getting a job, change professions for awhile (no one is to good to wash dishes!) his excuses SH*T me. I know they sound like trivial problems but they are really big issues in our life and he refuses to talk about them. He just waits for everyone to do things for him.....mummies boy wraps it up. I know I must focus on my baby and what makes me happy that is why I have asked for a bit of a break in our relationship until baby is born and I know what I'm doing and what is best for us (baby and me) but the more time I spend away from him the more our problems seem unsolvable. He is a good person, he would never hurt anyone on purpose, physically or emotionally. I don't think he would ever cheat. But does this make up for the fact that there seems to be no chemistry anymore? I shouldn't feel like I have to 'put up' with him all the time if we were right together yeah? He doesn't hit me, he doesn't belittle me, he doesn't cheat (that I know of), he doesn't spend all his time at the pub, he quite his habits to stay with me and the baby, am I being picky, should I just pick up after him and 'mommy' him for the sake of a 'happy family?'

[Boisdevie]

Excellent. Good news. You're about to have his baby and he already pisses you off. Good luck for the future. Perhaps you should have kept your knees together?

[Mathias]

Excellent. Good news. You're about to have his baby and he already pisses you off. Good luck for the future. Perhaps you should have kept your knees together?

This was entirely unhelpful, and wasn't even constructive criticism.

Being a dick for the sake of being mean is a serious character flaw.

[Becca-leigh]

Excellent. Good news. You're about to have his baby and he already pisses you off. Good luck for the future. Perhaps you should have kept your knees together?

I did keep my knees together, we were doing it doggy style
I appreciate the time and effort you put in trying to insult me but all you have done is made me laugh. You by passed all the really good ammo like being a junkie and an alco no hoper to try your luck at insulting me for sleeping with my boyfriend of a year? Oh bravo!

[JadenMia]

I was trying not to bore everyone with the nitty gritty details everything he does annoys me as bad as it sounds. The way he will do something 'half as*ed' example- he will wash up and leave the pots and pans, will water the gardens and leave the hose sprawled over the lawn (which my dog loves to chew). I thought at first he would eventually finish the job..I was wrong. The lack of communication makes me want to scream! I am a very open person, will speak what is on my mind, let him know what I'm doing or thinking and he is complete opposite. I have to drag all and any information out of him. He will not tell me important things like he 'lost his job!' because he thought it would just worry me, which I can see his point but in a relationship, there should be communication from both sides yeah? I am a very open minded person and like to try and see things from everybodys perspective but he is very set in the way he see's things and refuses to pit himself in anothers shoes which I find REALLY frustrating. He makes excuses instead of just being truthful example- he say's he has been looking for work but has not sent his resume out, he has not been searching the jobs in the paper nor on the net, why not just be truthful and tell me he is happy to stay unemployed for awhile? Another thing that really gets on my nerves is his son, well how he deals with the situation. For 10years he And his teenage son had been living with his elderly parents, relying totally on them to raise his boy while he was out doing everything he shouldn't be. When I found this house I made sure it had a room for his boy (who I get along with quite well), when he lost his job he sent his son to live with his parents again cause he couldn't afford to run him to school everyday (we live a hr away) which I understand but if he really wanted him to stay with us, get a job! He is a aircon mech and rekons there is no jobs for him, if he was serious about getting a job, change professions for awhile (no one is to good to wash dishes!) his excuses SH*T me. I know they sound like trivial problems but they are really big issues in our life and he refuses to talk about them. He just waits for everyone to do things for him.....mummies boy wraps it up. I know I must focus on my baby and what makes me happy that is why I have asked for a bit of a break in our relationship until baby is born and I know what I'm doing and what is best for us (baby and me) but the more time I spend away from him the more our problems seem unsolvable. He is a good person, he would never hurt anyone on purpose, physically or emotionally. I don't think he would ever cheat. But does this make up for the fact that there seems to be no chemistry anymore? I shouldn't feel like I have to 'put up' with him all the time if we were right together yeah? He doesn't hit me, he doesn't belittle me, he doesn't cheat (that I know of), he doesn't spend all his time at the pub, he quite his habits to stay with me and the baby, am I being picky, should I just pick up after him and 'mommy' him for the sake of a 'happy family?'

You know, most of this sounded like pregnancy hormones. I was the same way when i was pregnant. Everything frustrated the hell out of me!! Little things would make my blood boil, to the point of my man snoring in bed would send me into a raging hormonal mess.
BUT, the serious side of this is the job situation. I would say maybe he doesnt see the importance of all this and the baby etc.. But he already has a son so he SHOULD know the importance.
I hate to be a downer and a negative person but i would only take this for so long. As when you have this baby, and things get a little more stressful when the baby comes along.. wait.. what am i talking about.. ALOT more stressful when he/she comes along. This job situation, his laziness will get to you. As a father he cannot live like this. Unless you are willing to let him be the stay at home parent and you go out to earn the money then this isnt going to work.
Running a family should take joint effort. If not, then its just plain unfair and you will resent him for it.

My daughters father was the same way. He wouldnt make a big effort to find a job, he would claim to go looking for work then he would come back with 'dole'. A benefit to the unemployed in the UK. He would find a job through the office he was at. Then would piss our money up the wall, get fired and would be in the exact same situation as before. When my daughter was born, i thought he would just change, i thought a lightbulb would go off in his head and he would see that he had to get his ass into gear.He didnt. Not only did he not try support our family in the slightest, he then didnt want to share the parental duties either! He didnt get up with her, change her, didnt do anything. Said i did it better. lol
I had to leave him. Not only for this matter, something more serous happened down the road and i saw the break up as a gift send. He was holding me back in my life and i needed to move forward. I would hae given anything for him to be the father i needed for me and my daughter, he just wasnt ever going to be and i accepted it.

Now, you need to be strict with him. Explain your worries to him and why you need him to grow up and start taking on some responsibilties. Its time for him to grow up! There is nothing you can really do to MAKE him do this either, he needs to want to do it himself and the best you can do is try to drill that into his head.
Some more advice, dont be worried if you find you need to leave him. Dont be afraid of being a single mother if it is the best for your child. Lets face it, i bet when the baby comes you will practically be a single mother anyway. Thats how i felt at least.
Congrats on the pregnancy and best of luck!

[surfer808]

Don't settle for this guy. There are plenty of "real men" out there. Having a kid or if you got married to him will only amplify the situation negatively. Your sobriety serves you well, and you should continue that after your child is born. Your seeing things as they are. Good luck.

[bulrush]

everything he does annoys me as bad as it sounds

Sounds like hormones to me. Relationships go through phases. Sometimes they are fun, sometimes not. But if you stick with it, things usually work out if you both are fair and honest with each other, communicate, and respect each other.

It might sounds like a 1960's pipe dream, but it worked for your great-grandma.

[Glea]

Becca-leigh, you're not being picky, you're only realizing this ain't going anywhere.

I wouldn't really see a problem in him not searching for a job if he wasn't lazy and indolent for everything. You're about to have a kid with another kid. The simple fact he's never really taken on his responsabilities with his own child has been a clear writing on the wall you unconsciously closed your eyes on. Now you can't no longer bury your head in the sand for there's a child at stake. Hormones are suckers, they really are, and no one said a couple should be on the same wave-lenght all the time, but there's one thing i'm sure of, a relationship shouldn't be as painstaking as yours.

And it's not even like you were still into him. That would have made the decision to break up even more difficult to make. Now move on! For your own good.

And i'm not saying raising a kid on your own is going to be easy, but it'll be far easier than wasting your energy teaching your boyfriend how to be a father, or let's say, even just a man (!) while you'll be learning every day what motherhood is.

[VincenzoG91]

Yeah, all relationships require some effort to keep going, and ideally you should have made some effort to figure this guy out before getting pregnant by him.