Total novice with women. Any advice please?

[Jamie789]

Hi there. I dont know if ive posted this in the right bit so if i havent then i apologise.

Im not really sure where to start to be honest, ive never gone onto forums and and put this stuff out there before but i felt it was about time i tried to get some advice on something.

I'm 23 years old and i've never asked a woman out or anything. Im consistently told im a good looking guy and people seem surprised when they learn that im not attached but the thing is ive never had the confidence to approach a woman. Which obviously means ive never been with one or had sex.

For a long time ive denied it being a problem and always said it didnt bother me, and for a long time i had other things on my mind which to me were more important, it took me three years to pass my driving test for a start LOL and ive just been more focused on earning money than finding girlfriends. But i've got to a point in my life now where the friends i once had have now got long term relationships, are living with girlfriends etc and i am being left behind, feeling like a third wheel somewhat and also feeling like my friends have a new life now which im not a part of and im asking myself where have i gone wrong.

I still pretend on the outside that a lack of a girlfriend doesnt bother me, but the truth is i am curious as to what it'd be like but terrified also. I have this strange fear of women, and it seems the hotter they are the more im afraid. I cant speak to them, i jumble my words and go into a cold sweat if im around them, i start shaking and trembling and feeling very nervous. If i even see an attactive woman on the street i will cross to the other side to make sure i keep a distance from her and i have no idea why because its not like she's going to do anything to me is it?

Ive never asked a girl out, never gone up to one in a bar and started talking or anything because i wouldnt know what to say.

Does anybody have any ideas and/or advice?

Thanks alot for reading. Hope i didnt bore everyone.

[FullofSighs]

You really just need to get over it, suck it up and approach one and casually start talking.
If you think about it, its really all in your head, and you probably grew up thinking hot girls in real life are like hot girls in movies where they reject every average guy they see. But some cases that is true but a lot of the time its not, just be yourself around girls and if they like you they like you, can't be afraid of rejection.

[youaremysong]

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totally! hot girls don't dump all the dorky guys although they might end up with the hottest guys. but don't get your hopes down, there are a lot of girls in this world. u'll find yours!

[Jamie789]

I hear what you're saying. To be honest im trying to figure out whether i want a girl because i want a girl or do i want a girl because everyone else i know has one, and i'm putting pressure on myself to "catch up" somewhat.

I know i definatley dont want anything serious, like i couldnt imagine myself living with a woman at all, and im pretty sure i wouldnt like that anyway. The thought of someone being in my house and moving my stuff just creeps me out LOL

And as far as anything physical goes, any talk of sex or intimacy or anything like that does make me feel quite uncomfortable, i guess im just not that good with the idea of physical contact. Handshake or a hug im fine with but anything more will take some time haha.

[Sanctuary]

I hear what you're saying. To be honest im trying to figure out whether i want a girl because i want a girl or do i want a girl because everyone else i know has one, and i'm putting pressure on myself to "catch up" somewhat.

Use this simple makeshift flowchart to determine what you want

Are you gay or asexual? ->
no -> you want a girl
yes -> you dont want a girl

The thought of someone being in my house and moving my stuff just creeps me out LOL

lol that reminds me of my little brother. He has ocd and goes nuts whenever I move his stuff.

And as far as anything physical goes, any talk of sex or intimacy or anything like that does make me feel quite uncomfortable

Physiologically speaking, contact with other humans nurtures our well being. It's odd that you seem to have such an aversion to it.

Anyway, my point is that girls are squishy. You should try one sometime, I think you'd like it.

[Jamie789]

Its that kind of "if you're not gay or asexual then you must want a girl" attitude is what has confused me for years. Ive been told time and time again i need to "get out there" as if im living my life completely wrongly or something. But whenever i see a girl i like (so i do like them which sort of rules the whole gay thing out) i find myself admiring from afar rather than trying to talk to them.

I dont think i have OCD as such i think maybe its more of a committment thing with the house, like if i have a relationship then i want the relationship to be out there and for my home to be in here. If that makes any sense. Like whatever goes on in the relationship i can come home and escape it. Maybe i just dont like change lol. Or maybe i have a warped perception of what women are like as my experience is limited that i've got more fear than optimism.

I do have an aversion to the physical stuff yeah and i know its odd, a few people have commented on it, any sort of sexual contact, or rather the idea of it just creeps me out, so if i did get with someone i wouldnt want some nymphomaniac sex freak (i must be the first man to ever say that).

I guess im just hoping for someone to tell me that women arent as horrible as they seem lol.

[girl68]

Like whatever goes on in the relationship i can come home and escape it.

Now that's a healthy perspective on love.

[Jamie789]

Sorry if that sounded horrible. I just meant that i would be very afraid of anything getting too serious, i've known friends who got very serious with a girl and then it just took over their lives and we basically couldnt be friends anymore as they ended up with "new lives" so to speak and i dont want to end up like that. Putting some girl before the few friends i have left.

[girl68]

Dude, get a grip. That happens because they let it happen. And yes if you have a gf- your life changes. It don't mean you won't have friends, in fact you'll have more new ones. But undoubtably your life changes. Serious or not serious.

[ellie]

Err, it doesn't have to end up like that. I mean, it's your relationship, you're behind the steering wheel (and the gf of course). It is totally possible to have a relationship yet not disregard your friends.

Do you want to meet girls or not? It sounds more like you're forcing yourself because "everyone else" has a gf and you feel you should have one too.

Either you just throw yourself out there and start talking to girls, or you just don't.
Maybe you're not ready to start dating yet? Just because you are 23 it doesn't mean you need to do certain things. I mean, you should see girls because you want to, not because it's something you feel you have to.

You sound a bit like one of my friends. He has a commitment fear and is your age.
I have a feeling he will grow out of it. Maybe you will too?


Besides, when/if you meet someone special, you don't think like that. You will WANT to commit because you love her.

[Jamie789]

I do feel a bit pressured (either from others or myself) that i should be doing these things. Like i said i know people who have met people, got married or moved in together or whatever and it seemed to work for them (or so they say) but i personally never saw the appeal. I've thought its one of them things that you never understand until it happens to you.

Half of me wouldnt want to let a girl into my life as i see it causing more bad than good but the otherh alf of me is really curious to try something new. But i've never asked a girl out and wouldnt know where to start LOL

How often do girls go for the stammering shy guy?

[ellie]

Why don't you start making some girl friends - as in female friends, just friends.
You need to overcome that fear first and learn that we are not monsters, we're humans lol!
Just walk up to some girl and start talking and try to make friends with her. You need to stop being so shy around girls to begin with, or you'll never get anywhere near a relationship anyway

Don't see it as a "date". See it as a friendly date with a friend, talk to girls like you talk to any friend. It will make it a lot easier. I think you're making yourself nervous by thinking of it as a "date" that could lead to a serious relationship and stuff.

Chill.

Just start hanging out with girls and see where it leads.

[Jamie789]

I'm usually quite a confident person, until a girl comes in the room and then i cower in the corner and dont say anything lol. Unless its someone i know, like a friends girlfriend or a friends wife or whatever im fine around them, but thats different than some stranger you're trying to strike up a conversation with. I've often wondered if i just sit there long enough will one come over and talk to me but thats never been the case lol.

Why do men have to do all the legwork in this? Women get to sit at the bar and look all pretty and just shoot down all men who come within 10 feet of them, they never seem to have the face the chatting-up rejection for themselves. Which i find very unfair.

[ellie]

Well first of all picking up women at night clubs is a different story lol.

Secondly, men doesn't have to do all the legwork, women will make a move IF you let them know you are interested. Standing in a corner doesn't give that sort of signal lol!

You just have to fool the brain into thinking it's a girl you know or pretending it's one of your guy friends.

There's really no other way than just putting yourself out there and just try. It's not like you need to come up with a pick up line or anything. Just start taking small steps such as saying hello to some girl you recognize, next time ask her how she is etc.

Just be friendly and once you make yourself available and approachable, girls will also start approaching you

[Jamie789]

Well i dont actually go to nightclubs, i was referring to just any sort of social setting but i get your point.

But can i ask you something, if a guy just came up to you and started talking to you just to be friendly, not looking for a date or anything, wanting to be "just friends". Would you buy it? I mean would a girl believe the guy was only talking to her with a view to nothing more than friendship?