Abused, low self esteem, girl turns into abuser.

[DecentDissident]

I'm feeling so lost right now... So confused...

Few months ago I met a woman online. We've been dating off and on since. I say off and on since a formula emerged very early on in our relationship.

The distance between us causes us to only spend the weekends together at the beginning of which she is usually very jovial and playful. It was apparent very early on that we are polar opposites. TV shows I like she hates. The music she loves I can't stand and vice versa. Frankly its been part of the fun being exposed to so much you normally wouldn't be and has been part of what keeps us going.

Its fun, light hearted and playful most of the time but by the end of the weekend, or these days at the end of each day, she takes something I say so far out of context and then "punishes" me with ice cold distance or often turns the situation ridiculous. A comment of: "You think people would stop watching the news if the Anchor women weren't so attractive?" is turned into some deep deep deep betrayal on her heart. She gets quiet and shuts down. After some cuddling and pep talking she'll start a two hour conversation saying: "You settled for me... You have no idea how much that comment hurt me. I know you're still in love with your Ex. If you really loved me you'd chase me."

This goes overboard if we have enjoyed some alcohol as she'll get aggressive and has even shoved me off her while trying to hug her.

I'm usually pretty understanding to her tirades and have spent ample hours over the months listening to her and some very terrible tales of an abusive Ex. When her tantrums cross lines I'm VERY quick to establish boundaries. Sometimes she calms down other times she goes into a terminator mode where she will say and do anything she thinks will hurt me. Trying to throw away expensive gifts and jewelry I've bough her, etc.

Obviously she is looking to get a reaction out of me. A reaction of what I don't understand as I am not one of those non-sharing or feeling stoic lawyer types. I'm loud, jovial and EVERY responsive and emotionally available.

Saturday night crossed a line. I took her on a day trip to the wine country in California. After a lot of tasting and a late lunch a silly comment from me flicked her switch. Maybe it was the wine. Or the exhaustion from the trip or the hurtful things she was saying but once we got back to her house I grew in anger so hard... I raised my voice. Telling her she had just killed us and that she could now consider me no longer a part of her life. I added that nothing ever makes physical abuse okay, EVER, but seldom had I met someone who hadn't played a hand in their own misery and if this is the way she treated the last guy I can see where a jerk would react physically. I grabbed my weekend bag and left...

I feel so angry with myself for letting her get to me. For yelling. I'm sure my message was lost having turned into "Its okay your Ex beat you. You deserved it."... I should have just walked out.

Now im so confused. I love her... If I ever talk to her again I'll be crawling back to a victim who became an abuser... Or a tleast thats the way it feels.

Why does she do this?

[Wakeup]

She does it because she hasn't come to terms or worked through her last relationship and now she punishes you for the sins of her last partner. I know you don't want to hear this but the best thing YOU did for YOU was to walk away from her. You can't fix her and you have enough self-worth to not accept her abuse. If you feel guilty for what you said then apologize to her for that when/if she contacts you to tell you "come back baby, come back" but don't go back because she's just shown you who she really is. Having only seen her during weekends you should still be in the honeymoon period of your relationship and being happy and content, not arguing, trying to justify all the time and fending her off. She has issues and they're beyond anything you can help her over-come. Encourage her to get the help she obviously needs.

Can't say for sure with what you've described but the way you describe the way she thinks/acts in the totally black and white, good or evil kind of way describes someone who has Boarderline Personality Disorder ~ if she is a BPD'er then that would explain why she does this.

[url]http://www.medicinenet.com/borderline_personality_disorder/page3.htm[/url]

[HeartIsAching]

Most people that are with abusers are abusers themselves. They are with abusers because that's all they know, and they think that's normal. Unfortunately, they don't learn to get out of the cycle of violence and instead perpetuate it.

I know, I was one.

My next door neighbor is a great example. She got out of an abusive relationship, and abuses the shit out of her boyfriend and her teenage daughter. She shrieks, calls them horrible names (emotional and mental abuse) hits and throws things at them (physical abuse) and does not get it that she's also abusing them. She thinks she's perfectly justified... and one day if her BF ever loses it and clocks her, he'll go to jail for it... and she still won't get it.

[MerryH]

Why does she do this?

It doesn't matter. Any answer you give yourself is just going to become an excuse for her behavior. "Oh, it's just the BPD making her do this," or "Well, she's been abused in the past so it's all she knows." Those things might be true, and that's very unfortunate for her, but you've got to be very, very careful about trying to justify the way she treats you. This is one of the reasons people end up staying in abusive relationships - "He only hits me because his mother didn't love him enough. It's not his fault." Don't do that.

I hope you don't get back with her.

[bulrush]

After some cuddling and pep talking she'll start a two hour conversation saying: "You settled for me... You have no idea how much that comment hurt me. I know you're still in love with your Ex. If you really loved me you'd chase me."

My Krazy Chick meter is going off.

This goes overboard if we have enjoyed some alcohol as she'll get aggressive and has even shoved me off her while trying to hug her.

I see anger management issues here. Krazy Chick meter going off higher.

she will say and do anything she thinks will hurt me. Trying to throw away expensive gifts and jewelry I've bough her, etc.

Krazy Chick meter just broke.

Now im so confused. I love her...

You are loving the wrong person. You need someone more even-tempered, like yourself. You need someone who will talk things out, not yell.

I was with an abusive woman like this, it was mostly verbal abuse. But I finally got out. Best thing I ever did.

[bulrush]

^^^ Yep. She's used to pain and drama. Without them she feels "wrong", so she must have them in her life to feel "right" or "normal".

[greentea11]

You did the right thing and stood up for yourself. She is going to have a hard time finding someone that would put up with her. I've been there too. I loved someone and made excuses for his behavior. I knew why he did what he did and for a long time I put up with it. But even if you understand someone psychologically, it shouldn't mean that what they do is alright or can be excused. Do you honestly think she has what it takes or the will to change? If not then it's going to be like you are always hanging off a cliff trying to hold on and survive.

[DecentDissident]

You've all made some great points. Points I know deep in my heart but are harder to listen to when that same heart is involved.

I haven't spoken to her since my walk out. Haven't replied to her short snippy texts. I'm a little surprised how easy i'm feeling with not talking to her the more texts she sends to me with a tone like shes trying to get me to respond and argue about something with her.

Part of me is a little shocked she isn't pouring "I'm so sorry! I'll get better! I love you!" texts the way I would figure someone who has issues but loved me might. Instead its like she hates and resents me. If thats the case why would she even want a reply?

[Wakeup]

Don't try to make sense out of what she does or what she says to you. Do yourself a favor and block her so she can't keep herself firmly planted in your thoughts. Everytime you read more of her bs the more you'll try and figure her out which means she's renting space in your brain for free. You know you can't go back so why keep her forefront in your mind. Block her or unread/delete her emails.

[DecentDissident]

She wrote me a short. "I'm sorry.I shouldn't have treated you that way. I'd like to still hear from you from time to time." e-mail. Guess I was hoping for more. Don't know why.

We've exchanged a few texts and may see each other later on in the week. Maybe i'm hoping for some big epiphany on her part.

I was really into this girl for the last few months. Guess I'm bobbing back and forth between; "She's a screwed up woman who wont see what shes doing an will only tell me what I want to hear so I keep hanging on."

and

"Awwhh nah I overacted. I should be stronger than this and not let her occasional emotional outburst get to me"

If I have to end up letting her go totally. ugh... Rough...

[Wakeup]

We've exchanged a few texts and may see each other later on in the week. Maybe i'm hoping for some big epiphany on her part.

For what it's worth, I think you're very, very foolish to meet up with her. If you read anythng on BPD you'll know that her wanting to meet with you is just part of her illness. Does she have any of the symptoms of a BPD'er?

You're vulnerable and she will tell you what you want to hear and then once you're hooked again she'll treat you like shit once again. Black and white / Good and Evil. I know you're not listening and you're caving because you don't want to be alone. I just hope you open your eyes to her and her issues before you end up emotionally crippled by her. What's missing in you that you'd even give someone that has been mentally, emotionally and physically abusive to you the time of day? Look within, dude because if you loved yourself you'd not want anything else to do with her. Nothing.

You're meeting up with her and she's not changed in the least, she's not sought help for her abusive issues and YOU CAN'T FIX HER. So, what's up? Why meet with her when she's the same ugly personality that has taken zero actions to fix herself. If you do meet her suggest she seek help for her issues through anger management courses or through personal therapy and tell her to give you a call when she's graduated.

[DecentDissident]

I don't think she has BPD. I've know people with it and I think her issue is more of a general low self esteem issue left as scars and pockmarks on her heart from her upbringing and an abusive Ex-Boyfriend.

I enjoy the serenity of my sovereignty. Fear of Loneliness isn't why I'm willing to meet with her.

Remember that regardless of her issues we still shared something very unique and very VERY good most of the last 4 months. I'd be leaving her because of her inability to recognize she has a problem. Coming into someones life and sharing what we did then pulling the plug all at once would be unjustly devastating. Especially to her.

I'll admit I hope the caring, slow phase out, approach will be the wake up call she needs. Maybe. Maybe not. But there is no reason to let this scar my ego or make me further jaded. Lesson learnt. Be happy I didn't get her pregnant.