Im hurting so much and truly confused

[banser123]

I am hoping for some advice. My story is a little complicated and long, please be patient, I really am hurting and need help. To try to briefly summarize, I was really good friends with a girl I work with. We became very close over 4 years at work and people at work called us husband and wife. We went to lunch everyday together. We are both single. I have no kids, she has 2. As close as we were it was only during work. For some reason we never hung out or even talked or texted after work. I really liked her but wasnt sure how she felt and being that we worked together I figured I would let it be.

One night I got a text from her at midnight. She said she had a sitter for the night and her friend stood her up and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out. I was extremely happy. We went for drinks and she told me after I dropped her off that she really had a great time and we should do it more often. For the next month we started hanging ot more often, sometimes alone and sometimes with her kids. I knew I had to tell her how I felt but was nervous. Then one day she shocked me and told me she wanted more than friendship. We spoke about it for a few hours on the phone then agreed we would date. We both agreed that we would not tell the people at work because we wanted to see how thins went. Things were great. She texted me so much calling me honey and baby and saying she was thinking of me all the time and was glad I was in her life. I thought she was crazy about me and I felt the same. She did tell me she was scared and insecure but told me to be patient and it would pay off.
After about 6 weeks she told me that she didnt want to date me anymore and cut me off. She didnt want to give me false hopes and she felt no chemistry. She said I was too nice and it turned her off a little. But it didnt make any sense because she told me at first that she really liked those qualities from me. I was shocked and confused and hurt badly. Things at work were so akward, we didnt talk anymore and people started making assumptions. She moved from her apartment into her friends brothers place. Once again, things at work were horrible and uncomfortable.

After 3 months of not talking she called me one day and we agreed to talk. She apologized and told me it was because she was very scared. She feels as tho I will get tired of her in the future and break her heart and she cant take that. We had a nice talk and agreed to be friends with the intentions of getting back to dating. For the next few months we spent a lot of time together. We met for coffee after work everday and I was helping her find another apartment. She found one 3 blocks from mine. She moved in and I picked her up every morning dropped off her kids to school, 2 different schools then went to work. After work I drove her to the daycare to pick up the kids and drove them all home. One of her kids has a disability and needs to be carried. I carried him up 2 flights of stairs every day twice a day. After a few weeks she started telling me that she was scared again and had no feelings. I was upset but she didnt cut me off and just before valentines day she said she wanted to date again. But she made me promise I would not hurt her, which I did. We dated for about 2 months and things seemed good. She was depressed about other things, one of her kids has a disability and that was effecting her. I was always there to hold her when she cried and wipe away her tears and console her. She told me she wanted me in her life. But she also felt ashamed of her situation. Then one day out of the blue she broke up with me agian. She said she hoped her feelings would get stronger but they didnt, but she didnt explain why. She said we didnt have a future together. I was so good to her. I did so much for her, too much to write.

The one thing is that this girl has had a very bad past. No family, parents left her and are drud addicts, the father of her kids is a jerk who doesnt bother with them or pay as much as he should. She didnt have too many friends. But I admired her because she carried herself so good. She is educated, has a god job and is very polite and shy. I feel as tho she could of went down stream and gave up but carried herself good for what she is dealing with.
I am very depressed and hurting. I know it sounds complicated and people tell me to forget her because she is no good. But I know her and her situation and I feel for her and understand. I want her back but I want her to feel more comfortable about herself and me being with her. She never used me for money or anything like that and there was not any other men involved. She said she wanted to be alone for a while.I tried to talk but she didnt want to at first, then we met briefly but she was firm. I cant understand how at first she was crazy about me now she cuts me off. I didnt do anything wrong. It has been 3 and a half weeks now and she hasnt even called or texted me. She hasnt been at work since we broke up because she took a leave of absence to take care of her son. She is supposed to come back tomorrow.
Please help me. I cant get her out of my mind and I want things to be better, even if it means being friends again at first. I hope she has feelngs for me and is just scared rather than her just using me for help and lying to me. It was so special at first and I cant believe what has happened.
Please help. Thanks

[damn2008]

Unfortunately seeing her at work makes things awkward and tougher than normal. But in reality, stop being a doormat.

You cut HER off and tell her that you're tired of the "on-off" stuff. There's no reason you should be juggled around so much because she can't get her s*** straight. She obviously has A LOT of stuff going on mentally, emotionally, etc. and its tough with the kids.

But shes had plenty of chances and you can't be her doormat every time she feels she's "ready" to date. You're making it too easy for her.

[JohnnyGileaid]

I would tell her that you love her and would really have loved for things to work out. Tell her that her situation, emotional baggage, etc don't matter to you. And that you would and have loved her even so; that you wish you could help her through them, if only to be a sure footing amidst her storm.

Tell her that you will probably always love her, and that you are in 100% (and it sounds like you are), but she needs to be in 100% as well. Tell her that the the on and off relationship is the one thing that you cannot do and as much as you wish you could, you cannot be involved in her life anymore.

You cannot be pick her up, you cannot take her children to school, you cannot spend copious amounts of time with her at work. Leave the ball in her court. If she pursues, maybe give her one more chance (although it sounds like she probably doesn't deserve it). If not, it is over.

Don't let her pull you back in months down the road, and try to avoid doing any major things for her -- beyond what one work acquaintance might do for another. I'm not saying to ignore her, or be mean, but just tone it down 'hugely'.

Also, it sounds like you have done more than would ever be required of you. Don't feel guilty for doing this, even if she tries to make you. In my opinion you gave it your everything and she is unwilling to commit. Don't lose anymore of your life to this.

My 0.02¢.

[Yggdrasil]

And why would you want to be with someone comming from a dysfunctional family? There's a lot of lugage there she has to deal with.

In my opinion she needs professional help before she can fully and properly engage in a long term relation.

I'm not saying she's a nutcase, I'm saying she needs guidance, preferable by a professional.

[crosewood]

you deserve so much more than to be treated the way that you described. emotional roller coasters are good only in the movies. on real life, you should give as much as you get, and not string people along. i'm sorry to say this banser 123 but i think she strung your along, and put you through a heart wrenching emotional rollercoaster.

and you don't deserve that.

right now, i think she needs to see psychologist. her baggage is no excuse to treat you badly.

as for you, i wish you the strength to move on and find someone who can love you back as you deserve.

[banser123]

Thank you all for your advice. I understand what you guys are saying. But I truly feel as tho my situation might be a little different. Everyone has problems in life, some can deal with them better than others. This girl is actually in very bad shape. Its hard for me to be mad at her and just forget her, even tho many people suggest I do. I mean my friends and stuff. She has received 4 parking tickets recently adding up to over $200. Her sons school called today looking for her saying her son was feeling sick (I guess she hasnt told her son she has not been in work the last 6 weeks). She hasnt gotten paid in nealy 2 months. My boss wants to fire her. Obvisiouly she is not out there partying and having a good time. I know her too well and I know she is not happy and I am a little concerned. She has not contacted me in a month and I know she is very proud and stubborn and might want to but will hold back. Im not sure of this but it is definitley possible.
The funny thing is she really needs me or someone in her life. I told her I would like to remain friends but she still cut me off and she had to for a reason. I am trying to find out why. Some say she is scared and thats why she cut me off. She has told me she was scared and terrified many times which leads me to believe this can be why she cut me off.
I know I cant force people to feel a certain way but I think it is possible that she feels for me but is just scared. If that is the case I have to at least try to ake her feel at ease with me. I know she has to do this on her own but I feel as tho by remaining in contact might help.
I hope you guys understand and dont think Im a sucker because she didnt leave me for another guy, not now or the first time, and she hasnt used me for money or anything. I just feel as tho she is a nice girl with alot of problems and its my nature to help people in these situations.
Any suggestions? Thanks

[banser123]

My concern is getting stronger. I sent her a text a few days ago. I just said that no one has heard from her and I wanted to know if she was ok. I didnt mention anything about me and her or our relationship. I just wanted to know if she was ok. She never responded. My boss called her two days ago and left her a message asking her to call him and she has not called back.
This weird. As much as I am hurt and am also concerned too. I hope she hasnt hit rock bottom.
I can get her her job back but she hasnt called and this is not normal. Please dont tell me to forget her, she is no good, etc.. She obviously needs help and may be too ashamed to call anyone right now.
What should I do? Friends tell me to be persistent and go to see her. But I feel a little nervous doing so, sort of like a stalker. I know its out of concern but Im nervous. Please help

[banser123]

Well there is a little break through. My boss sent her a letter unofficially terminatin her. She finally called him back and asked to meet with him. He said he rather talk to her on the phone which they set up for this morning. She emailed me as well yesterday telling me she was ok and saying that she has no hard feelings and hope I dont either. She said if I needed anything dont hesitate to ask her. She told me that she thinks she is about to get laid off. I told her to call our boss and tell him you really need the job because he thinks you dont care being that you havent called or returned his messages. I aslo spoke to my boss and helper her cause because I have some pull with the company because I have been there a long time. They spoke this morning and worked something out. She will work part time for now. Her son is not doing well from the surgery 2 months ago and thats why she needs to go part time. At first my boss didnt want to go for it but he knows we were close so I think he did it more for me.
I havent mentioned anything to her about us and I feel as tho it is better to wait to see how things pan out. I still have feelings for her so much and i hope ot falls into place. I know she has problems and she didnt do anything to me intentionally, or at least thats what I think.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how I should approach this

[DelicateRose88]

What I am wondering is, what is she so "scared" of? And, if a woman tells you repeatedly that she has "no feelings" for you and that she tried the dating thing and still her feelings could not get any stronger then what makes you think they ever will?

That aside, it sounds to me like she is very emotionally distraught and confused. She clearly has her mind on a thousand things at home and maybe a serious relationship just seems like another big serving she has to add to her already full plate of life.

Don't make excuses for her, though; it seems like you want to make her problems bigger than they are to try and console yourself or make yourself feel better about her rejecting you like that. If you guys have been at this as long as you say and you have gone out of your way to show her that all you want is to love her and take care of her (plus you accept her kids) then you deserve to be treated with a little more respect. I'm not saying demand somethig from her, just recognize your worth in this thing.

[JaneH]

It's too late to tell you not to follow your heart.

It's going to be keeping your sanity or everything for her.

Be strong whatever you choose and good luck!

[brigitte]

I feel that she really needs your support in a practical way more so than in a relationship way, and she was probably feeling guilty becuase she didn't want to use you just for that. It is hard being on your own and coping with a disabled child, and not having any other support. She might also feel a bit uncomfortable or embarressed with you seeing how "needy" she is in her home life. I imagine she has no time to look at someone as a potential partner with so much going on. Being at work might have made her feel somewhat important or equal to you where as the imbalance occurs when the reality of her homelife sets in.
My opinion anyway.
All the best but I think if you genuinly care about her then the humane thing to do is help when you can, without any expectation in return.

[lostinconfusion]

So she obviously has no romantic interest in you. She needs help. Even if you say she never used you for money, she obviously does get a lot of support from you. She tried being in a relationship with you to make sure you stay next to her, but being that she has no romantic interest in you she couldn't do it, but then felt she needed a helping hand and kept coming back. So if you are just that nice then forget about being romantically involved, not for now but FOREVER, and be a friend. Or just admit to yourself that you only want to help her if she is involved with you. So figure out what it is that YOU want, and then you have to make a choice, be a friend and leave her alone to deal with her stuff. People in her situation need a friend more then someone putting emotional pressure on them, so being around to help her while really having your own intentions is selfish of you as well. So again, don't pretend to be something you are not. If you are a super nice guy, then you'll want to be her friend and helper without a romantic involvement. just BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF. Hope this helps :-)

[bluesummer]

You need to find the thread describing 'Shining Knight Syndrome'

You're her doormat. You're getting nothing out of this whole relationship, not love, not respect, and to top it off things in her life just seem to be getting worse. What are you really doing for this woman?

Stop trying to rescue her. She's a big girl and needs to learn to plow through life the hard way like everyone else. She's not going to gain any intestinal fortitude when people like you come along and prop her up.

[banser123]

Lostinconfusion, how are you so sure that she has no romantic feelings for me. We were friends first and I supported her. She asked me to date, she initiated the kissing and the love making. She had me as a friend and my support so she didnt have to aske me to date to keep it.
When we first dated last year I didnt carry her kid and help her as much as when we got back together after tge first break up. So I disagree with you with her not having romantic feelings.
I appreciate the response but I dont think it was that. I think she just had a lot going on in her life and couldnt handle a relationship. She knew I cared for her and was scared that she and her kids would get hurt if I changed my feelings in the future. And the way she deals with it is by running. It is not right but I believe that might be the case. Does that make any sense? Please advise

[banser123]

hello all. The lates update:
She came back to work on monday. When i walked in I saw her from across the room. I waved hello and she said hello but she was staring at me. I walked over to her to see how she was and she got up and nervously gave me a kiss on the cheek. This was odd because she is not known to do that. In the 5 years I knew her she never gave me a kiss on the cheek. I told her welcome back. Then she texted me about an hour later saying she hoped I didnt feel extremely akward. This was also strange becaue she is the one that should feel akward, she went MIA from work and came this close to losing her job. Also everyone at work wasnt too friendly with her, they are a bit mad. So she is kind of an outcast at work. the other girls used to talk and eat lunch and socialize and now then only talk with her for work related issues. I feel kind of bad.
I reaponded saying I was ok and asked if she felt akward. then I said I was glad to see her. She replied that she was ok and thanks. I asked her if she felt uncomfortable that I said I was glad to see her and she replied "no its fine, Im glad to see you too" then she stopped by my office on her way out to say goodbye, which is also something she never did before. The following morning she stopped in to say good morning. Not any conversations during work tho.
Today when she left she said goodbye and have a nice weekend.
My friend told me to text her tonight and she how she is doing. I wasnt sure if i should but decided to give her a text. I asked how her son was and then asked what her plans were. She said he is doing ok and that she was going to a bbq on saturday and taking her kids to a museum on friday she asked what I was doing. I told her I had plans but asked her if she wanted to get together one day for coffee. She said "well lets see, maybe sometime next week" I said sure and that it would be nice to talk and catch up a little. She responded "sounds good"
Does this look like a positive sign? I dont know what to think