confused and hurting

[banser123]

I tried this on a "ask a female section" but need more advice.
My story is a little complicated and long, please be patient, I really am hurting and need help. To try to briefly summarize, I was really good friends with a girl I work with. We became very close over 4 years at work and people at work called us husband and wife. We went to lunch everyday together. We are both single. I have no kids, she has 2. As close as we were it was only during work. For some reason we never hung out or even talked or texted after work. I really liked her but wasnt sure how she felt and being that we worked together I figured I would let it be.

One night I got a text from her at midnight. She said she had a sitter for the night and her friend stood her up and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out. I was extremely happy. We went for drinks and she told me after I dropped her off that she really had a great time and we should do it more often. For the next month we started hanging ot more often, sometimes alone and sometimes with her kids. I knew I had to tell her how I felt but was nervous. Then one day she shocked me and told me she wanted more than friendship. We spoke about it for a few hours on the phone then agreed we would date. We both agreed that we would not tell the people at work because we wanted to see how thins went. Things were great. She texted me so much calling me honey and baby and saying she was thinking of me all the time and was glad I was in her life. I thought she was crazy about me and I felt the same. She did tell me she was scared and insecure but told me to be patient and it would pay off.
After about 6 weeks she told me that she didnt want to date me anymore and cut me off. She didnt want to give me false hopes and she felt no chemistry. She said I was too nice and it turned her off a little. But it didnt make any sense because she told me at first that she really liked those qualities from me. I was shocked and confused and hurt badly. Things at work were so akward, we didnt talk anymore and people started making assumptions. She moved from her apartment into her friends brothers place. Once again, things at work were horrible and uncomfortable.

After 3 months of not talking she called me one day and we agreed to talk. She apologized and told me it was because she was very scared. She feels as tho I will get tired of her in the future and break her heart and she cant take that. We had a nice talk and agreed to be friends with the intentions of getting back to dating. For the next few months we spent a lot of time together. We met for coffee after work everday and I was helping her find another apartment. She found one 3 blocks from mine. She moved in and I picked her up every morning dropped off her kids to school, 2 different schools then went to work. After work I drove her to the daycare to pick up the kids and drove them all home. One of her kids has a disability and needs to be carried. I carried him up 2 flights of stairs every day twice a day. After a few weeks she started telling me that she was scared again and had no feelings. I was upset but she didnt cut me off and just before valentines day she said she wanted to date again. But she made me promise I would not hurt her, which I did. We dated for about 2 months and things seemed good. She was depressed about other things, one of her kids has a disability and that was effecting her. I was always there to hold her when she cried and wipe away her tears and console her. She told me she wanted me in her life. But she also felt ashamed of her situation. Then one day out of the blue she broke up with me agian. She said she hoped her feelings would get stronger but they didnt, but she didnt explain why. She said we didnt have a future together. I was so good to her. I did so much for her, too much to write.

The one thing is that this girl has had a very bad past. No family, parents left her and are drud addicts, the father of her kids is a jerk who doesnt bother with them or pay as much as he should. She didnt have too many friends. But I admired her because she carried herself so good. She is educated, has a god job and is very polite and shy. I feel as tho she could of went down stream and gave up but carried herself good for what she is dealing with.
I am very depressed and hurting. I know it sounds complicated and people tell me to forget her because she is no good. But I know her and her situation and I feel for her and understand. I want her back but I want her to feel more comfortable about herself and me being with her. She never used me for money or anything like that and there was not any other men involved. She said she wanted to be alone for a while.I tried to talk but she didnt want to at first, then we met briefly but she was firm. I cant understand how at first she was crazy about me now she cuts me off. I didnt do anything wrong. It has been 3 and a half weeks now and she hasnt even called or texted me. She hasnt been at work since we broke up because she took a leave of absence to take care of her son. She is supposed to come back tomorrow.
Please help me. I cant get her out of my mind and I want things to be better, even if it means being friends again at first. I hope she has feelngs for me and is just scared rather than her just using me for help and lying to me. It was so special at first and I cant believe what has happened.
Please help. Thanks

[vashti]

It sounds like she feels as as though she SHOULD have deep feelings for you, but doesn't, and feels guilty about it.

Let her go; she doesn't care for you in the way you want. In fact, growing up in such dramatic circumstances may have influenced her to only be attracted to men who can provide that drama, in which case a decent guy doesn't stand a chance.

[Yggdrasil]

To much baggage, your basement isn't large enough to store all that.

It's hurting you for a reason. Don't be with someone because you feel sorry for them. That's not love.

You're right, you didn't do anything wrong. It's her. She has to many issues to work on and she can't do that with you around.

If you seriously care about her it's in your and her best interest to cut her loose.

I know that's a hard thing to do and I am quite sure other people have told you the same.

All I can say is: trust us on this one. In the long run, you'll be doing yourself and her a favor.

[banser123]

Thank you. I do understand. But I think this situation is a little different. First of all we were friends and coworkers. We knew alot about each other. She initiated it with me. I accepted knowing about her baggage I do feel bad but thats not why I love her.
As far as drama goes, it might seem like she wants a guy that can bring drama but she is always conscience of that. She says she does not want that in her or her kids life, that they experienced it enough. Thats why I feel as tho she was really trying to feel comfortable with me. She had to have feelings for me for a reason and I think she backed out because she was scared. And if thats the case it really hurts me because I know if she was relaxed we can be a great couple, we have so much in common and she said I made her feel secure at first. So why this sudden change and fear.
I know its complicated but it hurts and I feel as tho I cant stop trying so easily because the possibility is there.
She has been depressed lately big time. After her 3 weel leave of absence from work to care for her son she never returned to work. Its been 6 weeks now since she was to return. She has not caled anyone and my boss left her 2 messages this past week and she has not responded. I tried to text her out of concern a few days ago and she never responded. Her soons school called one day last week cause he was not feeling well and they said they were trying to reach her. This is strange and I am concerned because before we broke up she was very depressed with her situaton and cried alot and I hope she didnt give up on herself

[vashti]

She had to have feelings for me for a reason and I think she backed out because she was scared.

I think it is possible that this is merely what you tell yourself rather than seriously consider that she doesn't share the same intensity of feelings for you that you have for her.