really lost and in need of help

[voron]

Hi, sorry for a long post . I met a girl in my university. At first we didn't talk much, but eventually we became pretty close, working on projects together and stuff. She was always the one who was initiating the contact with me.
With time we would spend a lot of time talking by messenger and became really close. Also she began working at the same company that i work in.
With time i have developed feelings for her and i realised that i love her. Now being a complete idiot, i actually told her that i love her, only to be told that she only wants to be friends.
She then went away on christmas holiday to her town, but she invited me to go with her. I coudn't because of work. When she was away we would talk a lot on the phone and messenger.
Then when she came back, she called me the same day and wanted to see me.
So we would just continue to spend a lot of time together, but whenever i would talk about being something more than friends, she would say that she only wants friendship, nothing more.

The thing is, whenever i begin to move away then she begins to look for me, for example if i don't come to class and don't answer my cell then she calls my house to find out where i am, etc.

We did kiss a couple of times, but each time she would tell me that it was a mistake and it would never happend again.
Eventually we had a talk, and basically what she said was that i will never be her boyfriend, because i am not her type, i am not social enough, i'm too melancholic, i don't know how to dance, etc. The thing is that she doesn't understand that we come from two different cultural backgrounds and i am trying to change, but she just doesn't realise that.

So what she always tells me, is that i am only good enough to be her friend and not good enough to be her boyfriend.
The problem is i love her, and i don't understand what is going on. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, but she doesn't let me leave either. She gets jealous if i talk to some girl or something.
In the last couple of weeks we have been fighting a lot. For reasons like, why did i buy her flowers, why do i pull out a chair for her if we go to a restaurant, why did i get her a gift for Valentine's day, etc.
When she's talking to other people she's always friendly and smiling, but lately whenever she is with me she is always upset, i try to do everything that she wants, try to make her happy. But everything i do is never good enough.
So I am really lost, because if she has no feelings for me, why doesn't she let me go and if she does why won't she at least try to have a relationship. She tells me that I am like a brother to her and i'm the closest person that she has here. But it's just really hard for me to be just a friend with her.
And i can't get over her, because i see her all the time in school and at work. And if i begin to act colder she begins to ask me what is going on and she tells me that i hurt her by behaving that way. So basically what it comes down to, whenever we are together, she tells me that we are just friends, i am not good enough to be her boyfriend, and i never do anything right, i am not fun enough. But when i am not there, then she calls me, asks me where i am, why am i not talking to her and this whole situation is just really confusing.
Suppose what i want to know is, is there anyway that this situation can turn into a relationship, or am i better off just giving up.

[Mish]

Suppose what i want to know is, is there anyway that this situation can turn into a relationship, or am i better off just giving up.

Well, she doesn't want you to leave right? She gets jelouse if you talk to other girls? So there is a potential of course. The bigger question is whether you love her enough to go for that potential?

So we would just continue to spend a lot of time together, but whenever i would talk about being something more than friends, she would say that she only wants friendship, nothing more.

Use this to your advantage. Use this to be yourself, to become free. "Just friends" has a lot of potential in it. Friends can laugh, have fun together, spend time together, enjoy each other's company, even be intimate. This is a chance to use your friendship to build a strong rapport, plant feelings into her that will keep you connected, plant desires, excitement, interest. There are so many places you can take this, the posibilities are limitless

When she's talking to other people she's always friendly and smiling, but lately whenever she is with me she is always upset, i try to do everything that she wants, try to make her happy. But everything i do is never good enough.

I am not good enough to be her boyfriend, and i never do anything right, i am not fun enough. Eventually we had a talk, and basically what she said was that i will never be her boyfriend, because i am not her type, i am not social enough, i'm too melancholic, i don't know how to dance, etc.

This doing of things to make her happy (Like pulling the chair out for her in a restaurant) is not neccesarily what she wants, things like that are to be expected. She told you what she really wants. She wants you to be more fun so she can enjoy spending her time with you, more sociable so you, her and other people can have fun together, so she can take you out and feel proud of having you by her side in the room full of others, she wants you to stop being melancholy so you don't depress the hell out of her, she wants you to know how to dance so you can experience memorable intimate moments together. This is what she really wants from you. Give this to her instead of niceness and she just might fall for you.

Sweep her off her feet tiger! Good Luck

[Gigabitch]

Cut her off. Really. Tell her this quasi-relationship is killing you and you're miserable all the time. You'll still have to see her at school, but that should be IT. She wants to be "friends". You don't. Stop throwing yourself under her wheels like this.

This may or may not bring about the desired effect (that she changes her mind and wants to date you after all) but it will bring about some necessary changes. You'll stop pouring yourself into a black hole and she'll stop thinking you're her little bitch.

[voron]

Thanks Gigabitch, you're right i have to break it off. I realise now that the chances of a normal relationship are close to zero. To be honest i knew it all along, but letting go is just really hard.
Oh and btw i also see her at work everyday, not just school.

[bloodtippedrose]

hmm. She doesnt want you but she doesnt want anyone else to have you either. Thats not unusual. She wants affection and attention that you give her but she wants to screw other people. screw that. Stop being used by her. Distance yourself from her and find someone else. In a few years she'll REALIZE that she passed up perfectly good potential mates for loser guys that ended up cheating on her. yay karma. anyway youre better than that man

[MadKat]

Seriously, she's not mature enough to know what she wants. I think she wants a mate, but not husband, got me?

So, if you really wants to get her, be the bad boy and DON'T love her!

Or

If you wants her to be your beloved wife...then, you wait, and suffer, and wait, and suffer...she's not ready.

[voron]

Well we just had a talk with her and i realized one thing, she truly loves me, but only as a friend. But there's nothing that i can do to make her love me. She believes that a boyfriend is someone that will keep her down and she will only date someone who she has real feelings for, so she wants me to stay and be her friend, but never go anywhere further. And i don't know how much more i can take, cause right now it just seems like the whole world is falling apart around me. I know that i should go out and meet other girls, but i just coulnd't care about anyone else right now, feels like there's no point in carrying on, i suppose

[IndiReloaded]

Mish has some really nice ideas, but you can't mold yourself into someone elses idea of what they want.

You need to find someone who will love you for yourself.

If you wrote saying she was giving you some signs she might return your feelings, my advice would be different. But she's not.
She's been clear she's only interested in friendship. You want more. Your choice is clear: be her friend & stab yourself in your heart, or distance yourself & find someone else to love. Sorry hun.

[voron]

It's not that i can't mold myself into what she wants, she just believes that if you have a boyfriend then it's someone that you must love before you begin dating and it's someone for whom you should give up your life and who will control you. Stuff like telling her who to talk to, who to go with - and i would never ever do that to any girl, that's not something that someone should do in a relationship, as far as i am concerned.
And as far as finding someone who will love me, i think that if this doesn't work out then i'm not going to try anything for the near future, don't know why, but currently nobody but her exists for me. So if i can't have her, then i won't bother with anyone else

[Gigabitch]

She believes that a boyfriend is someone that will keep her down and she will only date someone who she has real feelings for, so she wants me to stay and be her friend, but never go anywhere further.

Read: "I'm nutty, but please be my bitch forever."

And as far as finding someone who will love me, i think that if this doesn't work out then i'm not going to try anything for the near future, don't know why, but currently nobody but her exists for me. So if i can't have her, then i won't bother with anyone else

Well, I hope you meet someone that knocks your socks off in the next month. You'll get to be happy and That Girl will get to watch, at school and at work.

[voron]

Read: "I'm nutty, but please be my bitch forever."

Thanks, Gigabitch, this has to be one of funniest things i've read lately, or actually more sad come to think of it, but nevermind.

We are finished. She managed to take things to a new level recently, we went to a concert of a friend of mine and also it was the release party of a my friend's cd. It was important for me for two reasons, firstly all my friends who i haven't seen in years were there and secondly i directed a music video that's on the cd.
Anyway, first she invited two guys from work, without even asking me. When we got to the club she sat at a table, didn't want to talk to any of my friends. Then when the guys got there, she left with them to go and eat, then came back sometime halfway through the concert, i didn't see cause i was filming the concert. And after the concert didn't want to talk to anyone, even though i tried to introduce her to my friends, and then she just left with the two guys that she invited.
So yeah we are finished, i mean even friends don't even do that kind of stuff to each other. It's like she only likes me when i'm alone and with her so that i can be her bitch. But when i'm actually surrounded by people who care about me, she feels very uncomfortable.