Girlfriend visiting an ex boyfriend

[Sleed]

So im in a relationship with this girl i like a lot for 1 year and a half.

She had a few boyfriends in the past . No big deal , its actually good because she knows how other guys are and she wont be curious to experiment.

She was with a guy for 2 years . that she described ,with regret in her voice, and said 3 compliments about him: " he was smart , funny and a good person " --- > from what i understand he was the kind of guy that is mature , smart and funny . Stable , bright guy.

I still get the feeling she is not over him , she had to move out of that town and he kinda dumped her.

She has a relationship with me , but i saw in the yahoo archive that she said to him : " i miss you so much , no1 is as funny as you".
Im also a funny guy , but i have an other type of humour , that is not really always compatible with her. She likes innocent humour , humour that needs butterflyes and rainbows and flowers. I have a bit more malicious type of joking.

So i have a lot of exams coming and she decided to go visit him for 3 days in his home town, while i try to get my exams sorted out. She hasnt seen him for like 1 year and a half or maybe 2 years.

She is a very good looking girl , but also very caring and timid , she tend to stick to one person for a long time. I know she likes me a lot , she said she loves me a lot of time , a lot .... but there is a sense of wrongness in her going to see him , i told her she can go , i was really light and permissive, i dont like being jealous. But i feel jealous a bit , i mean im studying and she is hanging out with an ex lover.

So its important to understand we are very close and i can feel it that she cares a lot about the 2 of us , me and the ex boyfriend , but she hasnt seen him for 2 years almost, she is a moral , nice and loyal girl , but her loyality might be to him also.She might have a loyality conflict + an emotional conflict( she misses that guy , she doesnt wanna hurt me , cause she loves me , but i suspect she loves him also) .And she never had closure with him. Im sure they will hug at least. I hope it doesnt go further then that.

So my question is this : Is it normal for a girl to visit an ex boyfriend that is just a "friend" , for 3 days , while i study for my exams? Also ,he is kept in high regard by her. What do you think?

[VincenzoG91]

No, this isn't normal, and you shouldn't accept it. She is being selfish, doing this right when you have your exams. I would dump her if I were you.

[Sleed]

But i like her a lot ... i just cant dump her like that .

She doesnt have a lot of free time because she is working , she wanted to go and visit him for some time now. I know she cares about me , isnt it to drastic to dump someone you are very close to just because she wants to visit someone she appreciates? Its a bit frustrating but that seems extreme what you propose.

[VincenzoG91]

You know she's going to have sex with him, right? Are you okay with that? Maybe you should give her some condoms for her trip so she doesn't get pregnant.

[Sleed]

Are you sure Vincenzo? I mean she has me a boyfriend . That guy has a girlfriend for 2 years now.

She is a serious girl , moral and loyal. She never slept around .

He is also a serious guy, moral and loyal. They are the kind of people that would think about others before doing something.

She would be full of guilt if she did it.

So i dont think they will do it because they r both moral and serious people that think about others feelings.

Also 3 days is actually 1 day . 2 days will be spent of the train. So there is only 1 day for them to see each other . I find it improbable for them to say **** conversation , **** every1 else , lets just **** , they both are people who wanna live with morality. Wanted to know give you these details. What do you think? thanks for the answers so far.

[VincenzoG91]

It just sounds bad. She timed the trip for during your exams, so you couldn't go. She's spending the night there, which is peculiar and unacceptable behavior for the circumstances. From what you've described, she has a submissive personality and isn't over him, so if he wants something to happen, it will happen.

I hope that this situation doesn't mess with your mind while you're studying for your exams and then taking them. I still think that it was selfish and thoughtless of her to schedule this trip for when she did, showing that she isn't thinking about you when she makes plans.

As for morality... you can't be too sure about that. My ex was unhappy when she found out that I was an atheist. She said that she didn't know if she could trust someone without faith. We talked it out, and she was okay. A year later, she started cheating on me.

[Sleed]

Im also an atheist and so is she.

We belive in morality and i think that when you give some1 total freedom they will show their true colours.

So i want her to have total freedom so that i can see her choices and understand who im staying with.

She didnt plan the trip to be exactly when i get my exams , or i dont think she did.... She works a lot , 5 days a week and has the weekend to recuperate. She usually sleeps or plays the piano in the weekend.

I dont wanna be the possesive crazy guy , i dont think you should keep some1 near you and make them unhappy. If i sense that she is unhappy with me and i cant fix it , then ill let her go. I like her a lot and i wish the best for her , im not letting go because i dont care , im letting go because i care a lot.

So she works a lot and wanted to make this trip to see him for a long time. Also being an atheist and a high achiver made her a bit lonely. She has no friends ,only a few acquaintances. This guy is a real friend of hers.

But she loved him . Even if she is with me now, i know for sure she loved him. I saw a painting she did , with them kissing, it was hidden.

So what do you think? She still loves him? What does she really want from him?

[VincenzoG91]

I agree that an atheist can have morals. My story was just to point out that somebody can seem to be a moral person and still do something very wrong.

I understand where you're coming from, because I try to be the same way, to not be possessive and just see how things work out. But it does sound like she still has strong feelings for this guy and that's why this trip seems like a bad idea.

[Sleed]

But it seems like denying her this freedom is also a bad idea. Its like im running from a problem instead of facing it.

Religious people ,i think, tend to lie to themselves a lot , a lot of self denial and self deceving going on around there. But ive seen some denial in my girlfriend , but it was for apperences , it was the polite thing to do.

And i understand now that she might seem moral and still do it. So i should just let her go and hope for the best, face the problem and not run .... right?

[IncognitoSir]

She still has feelings for the guy and who the hell goes to VISIT an ex annnnnnnnd for 3 ****ing days!? That BS, she's going to cheat on you and it just so happened to fall during your exams right? She's planned it all out. At the VERY least she's going to emotionally cheat on you, but I'm sure she'll physically cheat as well. Of course if you said she couldn't go you'd be dubbed "a controller". Only option is to dump her. This is not OK for her to do, to have that much interest in a ex......nah.

[VincenzoG91]

Try to have a serious talk with her about the situation. She is a free person, so she should decide for herself if she will go and what she will do there. But you can and should talk openly to her about your concerns. Maybe she will admit that she wants to get back together with him. Or maybe she is in denial even to herself about what she wants. Or maybe this is a perfectly innocent trip, one old friend visiting another. But I personally don't think that it's right for two people to spend the night together when they are already in relationships with other people, especially when they have a history together like this.

Or you can just keep quiet and hope that everything works out. That might work okay, even better than what I'm suggesting. I'm a very proactive person, so I wouldn't handle it this way, but you know her well enough to decide what's best here.

[Sleed]

I want total freedom , i dont wanna be or seem jealous.

I want her to chose me in an act of total freedom . That means a lot to me .

I think ill let her go visit him without saying anything. She told me so many times she loves me, i dont think she planed this to be at the same time as my exams , i didnt see her to be that good of a manipulator , or i didnt see bad intentions . After 1 year and a half i can say she is a good person and she at least cares a lot about me and she wouldnt want to hurt me. They will have only 1 day, 2 days will be the train trip. Its like 10 hours per train trip.

So what do you think? She will emotionally cheat on me and she will hug him at least. They will laugh and so on. But i dont think they would sleep together or commit to each other again. Its a bit sad ....

Ah yeah and she told me that if i dont want her to go she wont go. So i can stop the visit.

[girl68]

You asked if it's normal. No, it's not normal. Then you ask what I think? Well frankly I think she's going to cheat. Don't give me your bull about she's a good girl and would never. I already think she's cheated you, if not physical emotionally.

So to sum it up. It's not normal and I wouldn't accept it.

[VincenzoG91]

Even if she doesn't go, the fact that she wanted to go and thought this trip was a reasonable idea is a bad sign. I hope things work out, but if she still isn't over this guy two years later, that's bad news. And even if she's an introvert, it's a bad sign that she has few friends and this guy needs to be one of them.

[Sleed]

Well then i just have to let her go visit him and see what will happen , it will reveal her character and it will help me make some decisions. I think people cheat emotionally all the time btw. But in this case she didnt cheat on me emotionally , she never got over him , so she was still loving him when she was dating me , it was bagage, its bagage cheating i think.