Wife always leaving me out...

[JAG]

Hi

I've got a bit of a problem that I'm trying to figure out what to do about it... a bit of background info to start with.

My wife and i have been together about 3 years, married for 1. After we got married, we moved away to another town 1000km from where we both grew up, leaving a lot of friends and memories behind. We moved so I could change my career and it has been the best move I have ever made (i hated my old job so much).

She has made lots of friends here, whereas I'm not as social as she is and tend to take a long time before I consider a person a real friend. Whereas she will meet someone once and become best pals, which is something I have always struggled to understand.

I've been keeping track of what she has been up to in the past month or so, she has stayed at home (ie. not gone anywhere after work) for about 4 days out of the whole month. Every other day after work, we eat dinner, maybe watch some tv then she goes somewhere, most of the time not getting home until 11pm or later. When she doesn't have to work the next day, she doesn't usually get home before 4am. When I get up to leave for work I can tell she's only just gotten home because the car is still warm.

I know she is not cheating. In fact, I wouldn't even care if she was, it would make my decision all the more easy. She is always going to her girlfriends' houses and I have verified this and she has never lied to me about where she is going or what she is doing. So there is no problem there. I'm not even remotely worried that she might be cheating. The problem I have is that she always leaves me by myself at home

One of her arguments is that I go to bed early so its not like I would even know she is gone. That's true I do try to get to bed early as I start at 6am everyday and work 12hr days. But she doesn't realise that by knowing she isn't home, or not having her in the bed it affects my sleep, sometimes I can't get to sleep for hours and I'm totally ratshit the next day at work.

Another one of her arguments is that she is just a more social person than I am. I agree, that is true in this situation. Put me in our old town where I have friends I have known for 10+ years and I'd say we are about the same. She just makes friends more easily than me.

I've tried to tell her before that this is affecting us, to which she said she would limit her going to friends' houses 1-2 nights per week, but this only lasted a couple of weeks then she was back into going out 6 nights a week.

Now I'm not sure, but I didn't think marriages were supposed to work this way. I thought in a marriage you spend most of the time with your partner and some of your time with your friends. Our situation is the other way around. Now also keeping in mind I work 12hr days, 5 days a week. She works a shift roster which means she only gets weekends off every six weeks. I'd say in total hrs/week we would spend maybe 10hrs a week with each other. This is not enough for me.

Our relationship is great... when she is at home. We both love each other very much, planning family and buying a house this year.

Has anyone else experienced this situation where the other partner always leaves the other out? I guess I'm after any advice that I can take on board to understand the situation and change it to a more reasonable one. I have no problem with her seeing her friends, I learnt my lesson about being controlling in previous relationships and worked hard on changing my behaviour. How can I get her to see my point of view??

[misombra]

have you told her that it's affecting your sleep and your job?

[Lipp]

Unless she's doing girly-girly stuff you could always ask her to just take you along. Go for a drink, have a good time, keep the man-candy at a safe distance from her and such.

[GemStar]

Unless she's doing girly-girly stuff you could always ask her to just take you along. Go for a drink, have a good time, keep the man-candy at a safe distance from her and such.

I think that's a pretty good idea. Maybe you should suggest going out with her and the same friends. I guess you have already talked to her about it. I'm sort of curious how old you both are.

After I re-read your initial post, I came to another conclusion which I'm almost certain is on target...

Now also keeping in mind I work 12hr days, 5 days a week. She works a shift roster which means she only gets weekends off every six weeks. I'd say in total hrs/week we would spend maybe 10hrs a week with each other. This is not enough for me.

This definitely has something to do with. I would say, just from what I understand so far, is that she seems to have felt sort of abandoned by you because of these work circumstances and began to fill her void by spending large amounts of time with her friends. Seems like she is probably someone who needs a connection to people and will seek it if it's not there in some form.

Hope that helps and good luck... Always maintain honest communication with her so you know how each other feels.

[JAG]

Thanks for your advice so far

She never wants me to come with her, and I never get invited along by her friends even though they are well aware that she has a husband. I guess most of her friends are single and have only seen her without me so I've never got a chance to get to know any of them.

Re: me working a lot, I see your point of view, but we both get home from work at the same time since I start a lot earlier than she does. So there is ample time for us to spend time together. We both get home at about 6pm, eat dinner then normally she's out the door by 7pm off to a friends place, or out for drinks etc...

I just didn't think that when I signed up for this marriage thing that I'd be spending all my nights alone and going to sleep by myself.

I make an effort too, on her days off (which are normally weekdays) I organise to leave work early so I can spend some more time with her.

I guess I'm just feeling like a bit of a doormat, as I do most of the cooking, cleaning etc.. on my days off I mow the lawn, wash the cars, do all the washing. On her days off she sleeps nearly all day because she goes out till 4am the night before with her friends.

I haven't told her yet that it is affecting me, because I don't know how without her thinking I'm jealous or not trusting, or that I'm being controlling. These are 2 things that I'm very conscious of not doing as it destroys relationships.