Me and my newly ex have been together for almost 2 years now. A year ago we moved in together. We furnished the apartment together. It felt so good. The place is gorgeous. We made it home. I love his family. They love me. Before we moved in it was like a fairytale. He treated me like a princess and I've never felt so happy. Ever since we moved in though, I started noticing that he never had money and it was strange, because I knew he was doing really well. And then the problems started, because I believe that if anything it should be 50/50 in a household. Then I started being suspicious and I searched his car. I found Suboxone wrap. Then I found syringes in his closet and steroids vile.It's ridiculous because I've always told him that I can't stand those steroid pumped gym guys. And yet, he became one all of a sudden. I went to him and said that I truly love him and if he needs help, he just needs to talk to me and I'll help with whatever I can. He said that he had an opiate problem and was trying to get better. I believed it at the time, but now I know it was all bull. Then he told me he got into money scam with a payday loan and lost money. About 3000$. Everyday I caught him in some kind of lie. Somewhere in the back of my head I've always known that we were gonna break up eventually, since he was never telling the truth and there was so many problems.
So one day a month ago he asked if it was ok to go to a Philllies game and I said that he doesn't need to ask me about it. I told him to go and have fun, but be careful not to get ****ed up, because he had to drive all the way back home.... Well, he didn't come home. He disappeared for 2 days. I was so sick worried, I called his family. They told me horrible stories how he stole from them and that he had a drug problem. When he finally got back we had a talk and he told me that our relationship was long over and that we need some time apart. The next day I got his phone and found that he met another girl. I mean , I could go on and on how many things are wrong with him.... My mind knows that this break up is probably the best thing that could happen, because I don't deserve any of that crap. My entire body is sick though. I haven't eaten in so long. I've lost so much weight. I feel so depressed. I wanna stop whining to my friends. I'm so much more beautiful and smart than any of his little side **** buddies. And I know. I know. But how the **** do I feel normal again? How did I get so attached to the biggest looser ever. I don't even feel jealous of the other girl, because she is nothing special. Maybe it's the betrayal. Maybe it's the shattered dream of having a wonderful family to come home to. I know it's not only his fault. Everytime he said he loved me, I didn't answer back. I just felt that I person that lies to me all the time doesn't deserve to hear those words back. So I wake up every morning. I look at our pictures and I wonder how the person that gave me diamonds yesterday, now is in the biggest debt ever and doesn't wanna call his mother that's has terminal cancer. Did I do wrong because I didn't settle with the lies and lack of ambition? I feel incredible guilt, because this person that I once called the love of my life is so out of touch with reality. I want him to get better,but I know that if he doesn't want to help himself, it's just not gonna happen. People tell me to take care of myself. And I try, but it's so hard. I go out almost every night. Guys tell me how beautiful I am and blablabla. And everythime I go out and somebody tries to talk to me, I just feel like I wanna throw up. All I want is to figure out how to find myself again. I just want to be normal. I just want to stop feeling so sad, because there are days when the pain is so strong that I'm scared that I'll do something stupid......