GF lied to me, now feels not good enough and wants a break.

[DutchYankee112]

Hello,

I am having a serious problem atm and i need some advice on how i can convince my girlfriend she's good for me.

My girlfriend and i first met online about 18 months ago and she used a picture on her MSN that looked alot like her, but was infact a different girl. We have moved our relationship to real life since a year.
She said it was an old picture and since it looked very similiar to her recent pictures and how she looked in real life, i believed her.

Last night my friend found out the picture was infact NOT my girlfriend. I confronted her with it and she admitted she didnt want to confess because she absolutely hates lying and was terrified id dump her for it.

I was upset of course, but i stayed calm, i let her do her story and i forgave her. In the grand scheme of things i didnt find it something worth throwing an otherwise very beneficial relationship away for. She didnt mean to upset me or hurt me, she just made a mistake because she was insecure about her looks and then felt "trapped" in the lie and hoped it would just blow over.

It was wrong of her, and she should feel guilty of course and she really does. But i now believe she is getting overly dramatic.

She said she can no longer be in a relationship with me and wants to continue as friends for the time being. She is keeping herself "reserved" and wont date or get intimate other people. She feels she hurts me and couples should not hurt eachother, ever. I think it is possible for people to make mistakes and hurt someone they love by accident. I once lied to her and we survived that business, so i just want to move on.

She feels she is not good for me and is better able to prevent me from getting hurt and make me happy if she is just a good friend to me.....i do not want that and im not even sure if i want to stay in contact with her if this break becomes permanent. It would hurt.

She is very careful of my feelings and i never felt as good taken care of as in the past year we have had a real life relationship. If this break becomes permanent it will hurt way more then just that stupid little lie!

How can i best handle the situation to show her i am better off WITH her, insted of being friends or no contact at all? She's one stubborn girl.

Do i keep distance from her and become grumpy? Show her the break is causing me to become unhappy?

Do i smile through the pain and show her she is making me happy even as friends and not hurting me?

Do i ......?

[NeoSeminole]

so let me get this right... your gf lied to you, told you she didn't want to be with you anymore, and you feel the need to prove she's good enough for you? Sounds weak.

let's say for argument's sake that your gf isn't good enough. She should be goddamn grateful that you're still with her. If she can't appreciate this, then she doesn't deserve you.

[Spring Haze]

Sounds like she's embarrassed more than anything, and might feel cornered. Considering this only happened last night, there's a possibility it will blow over.

Give her time to cool down, tell her you want to be with her, but don't acknowledge her inferiority complex. If she keeps bringing that up, tell her it won't be dignified with a response. The fake picture, her feeling unworthy indicates low self esteem. Watch out.

[DutchYankee112]

She indeed said she felt very embarrassed and guilty. And wants to be "friends with benefits" while she sorts out if our relationship can still work.

After talking to her about it, she seems very worried about us hurting each other. Specifically her hurting me. The thing is, in 18 months time she has done perhaps 3 things that "hurt" me in any degree. And only minor things that i dont care about anymore 24 hours later after we talked it out.

1. She once gave a guy a quick kiss while she was completely drunk and a friend of hers dared her to do it. She told me about it, i got angry, she felt guilty, i forgave her, we moved on.

2. Earlier this year she needed about a week of "alone time" to cope with me confessing a lie to her. She felt guilty about reacting the way she did and leaving me in limbo for a week.

3. She lied about a girl in the picture being her.

Tonight we spent a few hours talking and she kept telling me she loves me and she held me tightly. We got tipsy, and she suggested having rough sex so i could let out any anger and frustration, and we had rough sex in which i was dominating her. (She likes being dominated in bed)

When i confronted her about the lie i was very calm and maybe didnt seem angry enough. At the moment "make up sex" seemed like a good idea, maybe if i "punished" her a little, and then told her i forgave her she might stop punishing herself.

But her behaviour right afterwards suprised me, she said she was fine, just very tired and had to get up very early.

I have no idea whether i made a mistake or made the right move.

[speakerspoke]

LMAO; she's a nutcase and she's playing head games with you.

[DutchYankee112]

Hey, little update.

Well the current situation is that we officially broke up and decided to stay friends and give her time and space so she can sort out her guilt for hurting me and her fear of hurting me again in the future.

She said she still loves me extremely much and that she doesnt want anyone but me. So relationship wise she is going to stay single and respectfully decline all offers for dates or sex.

She doesnt know when or if she will be able to have a relationship with me again, yet she really hopes she will be able to once she has straightened herself out.

Lying is a huge deal for her, and she admitted that she was kinda in denial about it till i found out. Now she is afraid she hurt me by lying and that we will keep doing or saying things in the future that will hurt the other.

I personally believe there is a good chance she will stop being silly sooner or later and decide to restart out relationship. Of course, there is also the possibility she will never trust herself to being in a relationship with me again.

Currently she is avoiding contact with everyone and mostly spending time alone and working on herself. I forgot to mention that she has been in a depression and every now and then she feels miserable. This situation could have triggered her depression again i guess.

So, what is the best way to help her get back on track and restart our relationship? (And YES, i do want her back, dispite her flaws she is absolutely massively fun to be with and she takes extremely good care of me. I am willing to invest time/effort into making a long time relationship work.)

[Spring Haze]

So, what is the best way to help her get back on track and restart our relationship? (And YES, i do want her back, dispite her flaws she is absolutely massively fun to be with and she takes extremely good care of me. I am willing to invest time/effort into making a long time relationship work.)

What. She voiced her decision to spend more time alone in hopes to improve herself. So let her be and try to put the brakes on your selfish desire to rekindle the relationship. There isn't any caring voiced in your posts.

[whaywardj]

FWBs conducting sexual therapy in an effort to attain mental health and emotional well-being. Ohhh-kay. If you say so.

[DutchYankee112]

Another update,

She's back in contact already, quicker then expected. She seemed alot happier and able to laugh again. But every interaction we had was purely "100% friend only". She once again told me she wasnt going to get near other guys and she seemed to keep the possibility of a future restart open if she changes her mind about being worried we'd hurt each other in the future. The way she talked about what happened showed she made a tiny bit of progress in the acceptance phase.

Later on the evening she got drunk and asked if we could have "sex without attachements", i hesitated for a time and eventually told her i could not do that, because i am already struggling to see her as just a friend while 48 hours ago she was the woman i was going to marry and raise a family with in a year or two.
I had a little alcohol inspired emotional moment in which i blurted out how hard it was to cope with the change but recovered and said i was going to be fine and just had an 'after-shock'. She said she understood and that it was fine and that i was doing great looking after her and being a friend. After that i went home and got to writing this post.

----

Spring Haze?
Thank you for your comment. I suppose i did seem selfish in my posts. Im sorry if i sounded completely centered on my own needs. However, i do infact care very deeply about this woman and what she needs.
I decided to try my best to maintain a friendship and be there for her even if she decides we never can be more then friends.
And i just know how much that will hurt me like hell. I will do that because i care about her and i want her to have a happy life and people who she can turn to.

Kinda funny, her brother told me yesterday that just looking after her feelings would be wrong. And that if i really cared about his sister id look after both our feelings. Which is why i have 2 priorities.

My 1st priority is to help her cope and forgive herself for lying to me.

My 2nd priority is to help take away her worries about hurting/being hurt in a possible rekindled relationship

whaywardj
Im sorry what does FWB stand for? And yeah....very stupid to use sex as a way of fixing things. I feel about about it, but we were tipsy, horny and figured a release would help us. It didnt work as obvious. But what's done is done.

[Heratriumphant]

Wow.

Honey, she's nuttier than a gay sauna.

You need to get away from her or she's going to suck you emotionally dry while letting other guys "get over their anger" with her body.

[whaywardj]

Sorry, Charlie. This girl's already written you off and is just keeping you around to fuk when she can't hook up with someone else she'd prefer to fuk.