Opinions on my marriage please

[Confusedx]

I would like some different perspectives - I know everyone is different but I think getting other people's opinions may help me settle my mind

I am 37 and have been with my husband for 8 years and we have a 3 year old child.

Our relationship has had ups and downs. For a lot of the relationship I have felt that I havent really got what I wanted out of the relationship in that my hubby is very much wrapped in his own world a lot of the time and hasnt paid me a lot of attention.I have felt that there is a lack of intimacy?In that he has not been very affectionate - i have got the customary kiss goodbye and the odd hug. I have also found it frsutrating that he hasnt been the most attentive emotionally e.g. he wont have time to talk sometimes, he 'forgets' quite a bit of what I tell him and says 'what?' a lot (I havent got a speech impediment and hes not deaf). Thats not to say he has never been supportive as sometimes he has been fantastic but it has been inconsistent. Also he was more attentive and affectionate at the beginning of the relationship and it has varied through our relationship although generally less than originally.

We did used to row about it but in the end i accepted that it was the way it was and appreciated what we did have was enough. We do get on in general and rarely row. he works hard and financially supports us and helps out with LO and household bits. he is trustworthy (i believe he wouldnt ever have an affair or deceive me) and is generally not negative towards me.

Things have been getting tense lately as my OH wants sex more often than I do. To be honest I would prob be happy with once or twice a month,but my hubby wants it at least once a week. I find it really off-putting that the only time he's physically affectionate with me is when he wants sex.In general,I think I'm not really excited about the idea of sex with him as we havent got that connection/intimacy the rest of the time and it just doesnt do it for me.

On Sat night, we had a row as I didnt want sex and he was cross as he had supposedly made an effort that week (he had sent me a card and flowers forValentines day whoopee doo). I did explain my position (as I have previously) but he was still cross. I said well there are 3 options - we either just carry on as we are accepting that neither of us are going to get out of the relationship what we want, he changes his behaviour towards me which would mean we both get what we want or we split up. He said he wanted to split up then and we went to bed (separately).

the next day he said he didnt want to split up but by this point i just felt like maybe splitting up is the best thing?

So we are now separating - he is in the process of finding somewhere else to live. Its all very amicable which I am glad but am I doing the right thing?

financially it would mean that I would have to get a job (I work a few hours part time now). I cant increase my hours in my current job so would have to get another job. Also would have to be more careful with money. bit scary but not undoable

My oh also does fair share with LO - obviously when/if he moves out would still have contact but i would have more overall responsibiliy and would have to deal with certain things on my own - i'm not going to kid myself and say it wouldnt be more challenging cos i know it would.

i am a little confused about everything and would appreciate some other views/advice/whatever

i know my hubby wouldnt go for counselling so thats not an option

thank you

[Wakeup]

well, if he won't go to councelling and he has no desire to keep seducing you into wanting sex with him, then separation it is. Maybe if you aren't there 24/7 and he can no longer take you for granted, he'll appreciate you more and you two can work it out?

It seems like such a shame that you and he are giving up what is basically and healthy relationship and good long history with one another wherein you've both picked up some bad habits of indifference or apathy toward one another.

Have you tried sitting down and writing out what you'd like. Do you know what it would take to get you what you want even? Do you plan date nights where it is just the two of you, overnighters with just one another, picking up things you once did together before the baby and life got in the way of your courship with one another?

What if anything besides attempts at communication have you done with one another to get your union back on track?

[smackie9]

There is nothing to be confused about. He has completely given up without a fight. That speaks volumes as to how he viewed your relationship and him as a person. He needs to realize that things just don't fall into your lap, that a marriage, even a relationship needs constant attention, compromise, respect and communication in order for it to work. Basically he has given you no choice but to separate. It takes two to repair a relationship, so if he is not making any effort then there is no other option.

**Yes at the beginning of any relationship everyone goes through a honeymoon period, but when that is over, and yes things do wear down after, (about a year and a half in) you see what you get...this is the crucial time to assess where you at at as to compatability, common priorities, and expectations. If there is a question to any of these then you needed to deal with it or it will be amplified into a bigger issue down the road.

As to being on your own, get legal counsel to know your rights, and do some research, knowledge is power. Don't be afraid to turn to your family for support.

[Boisdevie]

The relationship is clearly dead. But I have to ask, why on earth did you have a child when it must have been clear that the relationship was crap? And why put up with such crap for years?

[Confusedx]

The relationship is clearly dead. But I have to ask, why on earth did you have a child when it must have been clear that the relationship was crap? And why put up with such crap for years?

blimey if you think our relationship is that crap what about relationships with affairs, gambling problems, addictions, lies, violence, nastiness, crime, financial or social issues created by one partner

[michelle23]

I dont think your marriage is dead at all. I am shocked that he would just give up without a fight. This seems surreal to me. All he needs to do is pay more attention to you and i think you would both be much happier.

Counselling is the only thing that could get you back on track IF you both still love each other. Please do not give up completely. You both may regret it for the rest of your life and you are probably both being stubborn here.

Ask your husband "do you love me" if he says yes-tell him you dont want to give up on your marriage without a fight and ask him to please go for counselling.

At this point that is all you can do.

[Boisdevie]

blimey if you think our relationship is that crap what about relationships with affairs, gambling problems, addictions, lies, violence, nastiness, crime, financial or social issues created by one partner

For a lot of the relationship I have felt that I havent really got what I wanted out of the relationship

Your own words. A relationship that isn't giving you what you want is what I'd describe as crap. So why did you put up with it for so long?

[bearz]

Why wouldn't your husband go for counseling?

[Boisdevie]

ask him to please go for counselling.

He's not interested in counselling = marriage over. It takes two to save a marriage and he's already decided it's over.

[michelle23]

I know a couple who split for similar reasons almost ten years ago. They both had too much pride to take the first step and try to make it work. Your husband said that in anger and then he said he doesnt want to split.

The couple that i know are both unhappy-you can still see the pain in their eyes, they talk about each other all the time and neither of them has really let go or even tried too move on. Four children were hurt deeply by all this and still carry the scars.

All i am saying here make sure you are doing the right thing. Too many people walk away when there really is no need. He has never lied, cheated or betrayed you and that is the only thing that would make me walk away. As long as there is love there is hope xx

[michelle23]

He's not interested in counselling = marriage over. It takes two to save a marriage and he's already decided it's over.

he said that in anger and then he came back and said he doesnt want it to be over.. I think if she tells him counselling is the only option to save their marriage-he will go.

OP if he is afraid of being judged or blamed-tell him not to be. A counsellor is non-biased and will just try to get you to both talk and listen in a mutual respectable environment

[Confusedx]

Your own words. A relationship that isn't giving you what you want is what I'd describe as crap. So why did you put up with it for so long?

we clearly have a different definition of 'crap'.

my summary words of our relationship would be 'not ideal' not 'crap' so from my view your question doesnt apply

[Confusedx]

Why wouldn't your husband go for counseling?

he wouldnt want to spend money on telling our problems to a total stranger who may or may not be helpful. it isnt like we know of someone who comes personally recommended.

[Confusedx]

I dont think your marriage is dead at all. I am shocked that he would just give up without a fight. This seems surreal to me. All he needs to do is pay more attention to you and i think you would both be much happier.
Counselling is the only thing that could get you back on track IF you both still love each other. Please do not give up completely. You both may regret it for the rest of your life and you are probably both being stubborn here.

Ask your husband "do you love me" if he says yes-tell him you dont want to give up on your marriage without a fight and ask him to please go for counselling.

At this point that is all you can do.

sounds so simple but he just doesnt seem able to do it. i 'know' he loves me but thats different to feeling it. and i think as he has such an issue with the lack of sex i would feel under even more pressure. i get the impression he would be nice to me for a day and then expect to have all his needs met indefinitely

[FlaCooln]

I don't think the relationship is completely lost. I think the key here is you BOTH need to be more intimate. Maybe he shut down his intimacy due to your different sex drives. If your constantly shunning his attempts at sex, as a guy you kind of give up. If you want to save your marriage, spice things up a bit and make more of an effort.

One thing I loved (an exGF used to do this on occassion) was I would wake up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, she would wake up and undress. When I got back from the bathroom I would find a wonderful surprise, a beautiful naked woman waiting for me under the covers. Sometimes in the morning, when I was taking my shower before work, she would come into the shower with me and we would just bath each other (very intimate IMHO).

It can be as simple as a loving caress. Walk by and tenderly grab his junk, whatever. Try massaging each other. Run around the house in some little board shorts or something (that gets me going). You be surprised if you make the effort it will not only turn him on, but you as well. He will then be more encouraged to be more intimate. Finally, once or twice a month is not enough sex. I know you have a kid, but sex needs to be more frequent than that. I'm 31 and when I'm in a relationship once or twice of week is my bare minimum.