Bitter Little Me

**KenThePartyMan** · 04-03-04, 08:53 PM

What a ****ed up, twisted web of lies this all is. I can't believe I ever let myself get involved in any of it. I mean honestly, any time I try to explain any of the pieces of this part of my life to anyone ... it takes me at least twenty minutes just for them to get one thing straight. It's impossible. Truly impossible. And it's funny because I always thought I was the most pig-headed person I know. How wrong I was! The human heart can take a beating and stay blind, and that's the saddest thing of all...

It's funny how tears can cause pity. Tears cause people who don't deserve it to be given forgiveness and trust in the face of fire. If only I had the power ... to do what I feel. If only I had the strength, just a little more ... to do what I want. If only I knew I had a plane ticket waiting for me ... oh the things I'd say.

And it's funny because you NEVER lied to me about the things that were important (haha). As much as silence flew me to the moon, you would never disgrace me by lying to me about the things that I am passionate about. I can't say the same for others. And when I try to be honest, try to say explain the "factual" ... when I try to bring the truth to light ... how dare you scorn my efforts!

I was only trying to be good to you - to let you know who you were dealing with. You ****ed me! Humiliated and disrespected me. Lied and betrayed me. Your covenant to me was broken. Shattered! And in my mind, it happened again and again and again every time we spoke, kissed, held hands ... and you still kept that secret from me.

You have broken my heart with your web of deceit. Poisoned my mind with your venomous words, ruined the most wonderful thing that has happened to me in and pissed on my heart, maybe for the beast part of my life. You're so ignorant ... and I'm stooping to such a low level by ranting like this, but you know ... it's so hard to care. I went to hell and back for you, and I want you to know... I sat at my computer and had a thousand times the opportunity to ruin your live, and your relationships ... but I thought it was none of my business, and I left well enough alone. And for what reason? It all seems so pointless ...

I just can't believe that forgiveness could come so easily. Adultery, followed by months of deceit. Have you no feeling? No heart to skip a beat at my words? I fought myself long and hard, fought my fingers from typing the words ... I refused to send letters out of anger. Refused to be vengeful. And now, when I can tell myself that I speak out of honest concern, I speak. And it's pointless.

I'm so angry I can't even write the words that need to be said. This is stutteringly inaccurate - I can't even tell how I feel right now. I guess I was expecting something more powerful - after all I've had forever of wondering what would happen if I spoke the truth?

I gave you a chance, I gave you a chance at happiness. I gave you the same chance at happiness that you stole from me when you sought him. And you knew about me, all along. I've been holding this pain, I've been nursing this wound, I've been picking this scab ... I couldn't do it, in the end. That part may not have been your fault, and I'm too determined not to place blame for that to really be an issue ... but I just needed to say it. I gave you the respect you never showed to me. My life is forever changed because of you, so I just hope he was ****ing worth it.

Smooch..(bitch)
ThePartyMan
To:L.S.

**simple** · 04-03-04, 09:12 PM

very deep

I hope you feel better... remember its not the end of the world. Smile - its the best medicine you might not think so, but it really is. Im sorry.

**KenThePartyMan** · 04-03-04, 09:23 PM

I am over her...that was just something i wanted to share with everyone here about me. Let people know that anyone can burn you.

**squirrley** · 05-03-04, 01:07 AM

Well guess the saying hell hath of fiery...

its amazing what you can put out when you're pissed to no end. And or hurt. I'm sorry for you and your pain in that mess. Some women can be brutal. How long ago was that?

Its such a cliche, but time does heal, and believe it or not, it will make you stronger and you've learned a lesson in it I assume. You'll be able to trust again, it's just gonna take the right woman.

Look at this way too, you were the bigger and better person for NOT taking any action against her. What comes around goes around, and then everything happens for a reason!!

**KenThePartyMan** · 05-03-04, 05:09 PM

Well, we were together for about 5 years till she wanted to sleep with my best friend. now they live together and i hate them both. this was about 2 years ago. i still think about the fact that we could be married and have a kid by now and it does bother me. at the same time i am glad i found all this shit out before it got that far. i am a stronger person for the entire thing.

I left her to deal with her own insecurities and to better myself. Most people would go out and try to sabotage the other persons life but I did not feel the need. she is going to be looking for real love again for the rest of her life and I pity her. No real man wants a weak minded woman with loose ways and that is her in a nutshell.

"Everyone has a demon"

**IceQueen** · 06-03-04, 12:26 AM

i am a stronger person for the entire thing.

Uhh... sorry to burst your bubble, but you're not a stronger person, if two years later you're still bitching about it and thinking about her day and night.

I left her to deal with her own insecurities and to better myself.

So what happened? And um, no, you didn't *leave* shit. You're holding on to her with all your limbs.

**KenThePartyMan** · 06-03-04, 12:46 AM

I wrote this a few years back and just put a copy of it here because of the posts I was reading. Just so people know they are not alone.

I write alot. I have only been posting here for one day and have about 20 posts.... Feel free to quote this one too

I do still miss her but its not like that.... it was for about 6 months but I'm over it now....

**squirrley** · 06-03-04, 01:55 AM

oh man, and right now you're contemplating ****ing her? Oh shit man...Ken-this could be trouble for you ya know...ok, or use her to death and throw her to the curb...

Your BEST FRIEND? thats low.

**IceQueen** · 06-03-04, 02:04 AM

If you really do write a lot, how come you didn't post something more up to date?

**KenThePartyMan** · 06-03-04, 02:16 AM

Originally posted by squirrley
oh man, and right now you're contemplating ****ing her? Oh shit man...Ken-this could be trouble for you ya know...ok, or use her to death and throw her to the curb...

Your BEST FRIEND? thats low.

Not the same ex....not that stupid...yet

**KenThePartyMan** · 06-03-04, 02:19 AM

Originally posted by IceQueen
If you really do write a lot, how come you didn't post something more up to date?

I love you

**squirrley** · 06-03-04, 02:20 AM

oh that's good. Damn you had me freaked there for a moment.

I suppose you being a player and all you have a history of x's.
You need to clarify which x!!!

**IceQueen** · 06-03-04, 02:40 AM

Not the same ex....not that stupid...yet

Phew.

**KenThePartyMan** · 06-03-04, 02:52 AM

:LOVE:

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