My mind, my soul, everything is messy..

[Crammond]

First off all, i hope i'm posting this in the right part of this message board.

Since most of my threads start with a rather long post (I need to express what i feel, to open my self. Funny tough, my mom working in a company "help phone" - they listen to people problems and yet I cannot talk to her about my personal love problems...kinda feels like she is not my mom but some kind of a shrink and it is wierd..) i'll try to make this one as short as possible.


In my lifetime i hade one really serious relationship a while ago (i had a thread about it here) and currently i'm having my second serious relationship as we speak,

Recently i was cleaning my room, throwing useless stuff away and just simply making more space in it and i came across a box. I tought it was a box full of installation cds and manuals for my sister's pc since i have been looking for it for a long time and it was the same kinda box but it turned out it wasn't.

It was "all my life with my ex is in here" box. As soon as I opened it, i remembered that inside were a couple of small blocks of paper that we used to write to eachother when we were appart, lots of picutres and her last couple of mails to me, when all was already gone and she tried to get me back.

Stupid as I am, I re-read most of the mails, looked at the pictures but didn't really mind about the block papers (as i know it's mostly borring bullshit in them). I had to take a peek (it was a rather long research than a peek) before I trash good 2 years of my life (to make it clear, that happened about 2 weeks ago, I checked it only on that occasion and than closed it and put it in the garbage box which was later that week taken to the big garbage where we throw all of our garbage away).

Before I continue with this, I must write something else.

Those who read my first threads on this message board know what happend with my ex and all (a short "remembering" for the rest... i was happy in love for abouth 20 months, than found out things are not as they seem...stayed with her but was suspicios...tried to break up twice or so but couldn't be without her so i took her back...a month or so later found out she did cheat on me and dumped her..and i almost forgot, for a good year we were engaged...we were 21years old when we broke up, now i'm almost 25...


Approximatly 2 good years right after we broke up i mostly hated her, than felt sorry for her (in a way how could people be so bad/stupid/etc)..pretty much random shit mood just to make by. But she did cross my mind from time to time. Sometimes that made me sad, sometimes I remembered how sad and depressed I was when I found out about cheating. Overall, I "survived" the first hard year with a lot of working so I had my mind occupied.

Lately, for the last year, she is on my mind more often. Probably also because this year all of the schoolmates got together (most of us came, she did to) for the 5th anniversary of our class...than we went to a drink once durring this year (i was in the naighbourhood and since we said we'll at least be kindof friends when we broke up, i called her for a drink) and I also got to see her on some other occasions (a couple of funerals, etc.. nothing planned or anything, just something we both had to or wished to attend because of the "event").

In those mailes she wrote all kind of stuff...like she really is sorry for what she did (altough even today she insists that she did not cheat on me....did she or didn't, i don't care anymore nowdays but if i'd have to choose one, i'd say she did)...how she will do anything to make me happy, a happyhusband, how she wants to be with me for the rest of my life, be the best wife, the best mother, etc...

One mail even said something like that i, even if we break up (we were still kinda together at the time of writing the mail) that she will allways love me and that I was the love of her life. I re-read my posts here on this message board and I seemed to tell her/wrote her that even if broke up (that was about 2weeks after we broke up and when i got weak again and wanted her back, but she suddenly completly changed her mind and only wanted to be friends) that she will always have a special place in my hearth.

All this years later I realize something. Maybe it is couse i re-read the mails, saw the pictures, saw her more often this year or even cause i re-read all that i wrote on this message board (tough here i wrote mostly the ugly things that happen). I realized that all this years later...i still ..i don't know..love her? I cannot say love her since that is just a big to big word to express what i feel... but i defenitly feel something.

She is currently in a relationship that started (as i am aware of it) approximatly 1/2 - 1 year after we broke up... How is her relationship is something that i don't know (tough from the personal message line in msn messenger i can see that lately it's not working out that well...tough nothing really serious i suppose...)... The guy she is with is the opposite of me from what I could see (she came to my workplace with him once since my line of work was something she needed help with)... somehwat "wannabe" player, doesn't really look anything special (like really beautiful or sth), but seems like a lazy guy who finds effort with even when he has to talk (my impression but than again who am i to judge or to care who she is with).

[Crammond]

I'm happy for her to be with somebody, especially now that I'm with somebody and I again feel what I felt with her and am more positive in life (i rarely have bad days...yes, when i have a bad day, it could be bad, i'm miserable for no good reason, but they really happen so rarely)..but like i said before...i feel something for her...something i cannot describe...some kind od warmnes, nice feeling when i think of her...

I should probably smack myself for even thinking of her cause of that she was the cheater in our relationship, but i cannot help it. Re-reading her mails made me think if breaking up was the right choice (tough i'd still do it if i'd have another choice...but i'd probably be a better friend and hanged out closer this time....as i miss her as a friend (sometimes this year we talk a bit over msn messneger....friend talk...it's nice to have somebody that u know and knows u and u2 can talk almost about anything, regardles the past....)..

If it would ever ever ever slipped into my mind (tough i really doubt about it..) to i don't know..let her know how i feel or something similar.... (i don't even know with what purpose..i guess with a purpose to get back together..i don't know...to confused, damn feelings :S)... I would immediatly let my current gf know what's the deal and let her decide if she wants to stay together or break up (i like everything clean from my side...no cheating, no bad moves, no nothing, that could hurt somebody i love&loves me back)..

The last time i saw her, she has completly changed (visual looks) since we broke up..I got to see her on the anniversary, but that was half a year ago and it was almost night when she got there...the other times there just wasn't time to stare... she has a different hair style, completly opposite of my taste..but i don't care.... she seems to get a pound or too...but i don't care about that either...

in my hearth, when i think of her (that happend a couple of times since i found that box..earlier in the year i didn't have the time + i love my current gf and i don't have time to think about my ex, but the box and mails and all made me think a bit..

So nevertheless she looks different (her personality probably changed a bit from what i noticed..nothing major tough)... i get that strange, kinda nice feeling when she slips into my mind.. I cannot say that i hate it or don't like the feeling, but at the same time it feels wrong, seriously wrong and unfair to my current gf... but than again it feels nice..

and all of this makes me wonder "what if"? what if we didn't broke up? what if we would stay together, how our/her/my life would be? what if we would live together by now, have kids, be a happy family...? what if...what if...what if...

and to tell you the truth...bigger part of me doesn't like this whole situation i'm headed to...as i'm affradi that the next time that i won't be completly myself (i don't drink/anything else a lot.... but sometimes i do and if i go close to my limit, i do stupid things)...i'll just go and do something studpid...i don't know...

like call her and tell her all this "what if" thingy...or tell her that i miss her... or tell her i think about her...shit like that...shit that could do me no good with her and even worse with my current gf (they have a mutual "friend" (this friend was my and my ex's schoolmate, they took rarely...and this friend is almost a neighbour of my current gf...so word could spread soon)...

and i don't want that...but on the other side..i want her to know how i feel, what i think...i want to know if she still sees me as the love of her life...if she ever wondered what if...?

I think it is not worthed the try...yet it is on my mind..like she is, from time to time... The more time passes by since we broke up, the more i see only the good times we spent together..remember how good it was for the both of us... and the tough of her cheating on me isn't even that hard now... and i don't know why it isn't since it crashed me so badly all those years ago..

(**** shit damn, again i wrote too much )

to wrap this up (because the more time i take for this, the more she walks on my mind.... god damn, i think that i, now after all this years, could actually forgive her and give it another try if i had the oppertunity/chance...

I had to spit it out. I know it is moraly wrong for me to think about my ex in this thread and than in the other one be "mad" at my current gf for not so good reasons...

If this relationship that i'm currently in doesn't work out..i'll just have to leave my country cause too much shit is going trough my mind while just living here...and i just don't need to be messed up all my life...

life should be easier..more simple...people should love each other with no lies, no cheating.... but that is just a crazy tought of hope...

hopeleslly messed up for today...and it's christmas...argh..

tnx for the reading and comments... i apriciate it.

bye

s.

[Kiechi]

I read it. Be happy a total stranger dedicated 6 hours of his life reading that. All I can say is, I'm glad my love life isn't that complicated. I recommend you sever all ties with the outside world and live in a cardboard box for the remainder of your life.

Kumbyya.

[Crammond]

lol, you're a slow reader but still thanks for the input

[Kiechi]

No problemo Mr.Jones.

[vashti]

Crammond, few of the regulars will read anything so long unless they are overwhelmingly bored. You should post a summary not longer than a paragraph containing maybe 10 lines if you want to maximize your responses.

[DoesntMatter]

Sorry Crammond, I'm not reading that on Christmas Eve!!

[TheSphinx]

I cannot say that i hate it or don't like the feeling, but at the same time it feels wrong, seriously wrong and unfair to my current gf... but than again it feels nice..

This is probably close to what was going through your ex's head before she cheated on you.

Think about it and see my response to your other thread.

~Sphinx