Open LDR

[seabuckthorn]

Hello, new here, hope it's OK just to jump in and post this.

I'm a bisexual woman in an open, long-distance relationship with another woman. We met online then in person about seven months ago and at the time she lived closer to me, but due to work issues has had to move back with her family who are still working on accepting her lesbian status.

This is my first open LDR and first relationship with a woman, having been in an abusive marriage for some time. The problem is that firstly she plans to leave England (I think this will be later rather than sooner) and move to another country, where she lived and worked for some time and came to regard as home. She was always honest with me that this was the case, but I think I'm falling in love with her and don't know if she loves me back. She told me that her 'feelings for you are getting stronger', but it doesn't feel that way; if anything she has been more distant and has not really talked to me much. For example when I ask how she is or what she's been doing, she replies in a vague way, but never shows any interest in my well-being or activities. I am fairly certain that she's depressed, but my attempts to talk to her have been brickwalled recently. Secondly, I felt jealous when I learnt that she'd been seeing someone else, a feeling exacerbated by the fact that at the moment I feel as though it's me making all the effort to communicate with her and maintain the relationship. I thought that I would be able to cope with an open relationship; in fact, my marriage was so claustrophobic that I didn't think I wanted anything closer, but I don't know if I can.

So what do I do? Do I have what I can of her now, knowing it won't last, and try to deal with my jealousy when she sees other women? Or do I break it off now and save myself further pain?

[Looq]

Well it seems to me that you are both in different places. You said yourself that you are falling in love with her, which is obviously the reason why you are jealous. You have one option really. Tell her exactly how you feel and see if she feels the same way.

You need to figure out what you would do with the answer she gives though. If she does love you back then you both need to figure out what you are going to do. LDR can work, but only on the short term, you are going to have to work your way into a proper relationship sooner or later and that means making arrangements to move in together (or at least live near each other) and to become exclusiv. If the answer is that she doesn't love you then you need to leave and move on. It might be hard, but you'll never be happy otherwise. Also if she does love you, but you feel that you wont be able to "upgrade" from an LDR (due to your and her commitments whatever they may be) than that is also a situation where you would be better off leaving the relationship, because an LDR won't work over the long term.

Judging by what you have told us, it seems to me that she doesn't feel the same way for you as you do for her. So I would prepare yourself for that. But I guess it's possible that she does love you back and just doesn't know what to do with that information. Either way, a discussion is necessary.

I appreciate that it's not a nice situation to be in, I hope I was of some help.

[sadie_genie]

I don't think the biggest problem is the physical distance. I think it is her emotional distance. For a LDR to work, both person needs to WANT it to work. She doesn't take much interest in you through conversations and she is already dating someone else.

[smackie9]

You are not in the relationship you want so stop wasting your time. Break it off.

[seabuckthorn]

Thank you for taking the time to answer, it's really what I should have already faced up to. The thought of never seeing her again cuts me up- I think that's the way this is going to go.