i met my boyfriend online, it was all incredibly intense, and he started talking about marriage and moving in together from the first date. it has been very consuming for us both, living in different cities, i have a child from a previous relationship, and although we have met each others families, he has always kept the relationship separate from the rest of his life. he has a lot of intimacy issues, and finds being close to anyone really difficult; when we are together he says he is so happy, but the moment i leave he starts worrying and doubting his own feelings and if i really love him. basically he is very insecure but we have grown a lot together in the last year, and i really felt we were growing closer.

he broke up with me six months ago, the day before i was traveling, at the time when i really needed him the most. He was in constant contact, and three days after i got back to the UK, he asked me to go steady with him (again). i said yes, and we agreed to try and go slow, and share more of our lives, which we have been doing. we travelled abroad together and i met his whole family. overall we have a great relationship, but when its bad, its mega bad.

he has always said that after about a year we would be engaged, and now approaching a year mark, he told me he wants space. he says he is not equipped to deal with any relationship, knows its not fair on me, that i deserve someone who is committed and certain, but that he cant be there yet, but that he is having a difficult time in his own life and needs peace, in his mind, so he can define what he wants in his own life. he also said he cant bear not to be in my life, and that he didn't want-to break up, but had no idea how to go on and make it work. he seemed really paralyzed by this uncertainty, and worried about making any decision, and it being the wrong decision.

i told him to take some space, if thats what he needs, but he made it clear he was planning on ending it when he felt a bit stronger. he wanted to stay in contact, to keep me in his life in someway, and i had to say no way, and left, although he knew that i wanted to keep working on it. i felt that was the most loving thing i could do for him at that point-as he wasn't certain that he even wanted to keep trying-and for myself, and i feel ok about having time out from the relationship as it was getting completely dominated by his fears and uncertainty.

he clearly has a lot of his own issues to deal with at the moment and needs to come to his own conclusions about whether he wants me in his life. the thing i don't get is how he was the one always initiating conversations about the future, and making plans, and pressuring us, as a couple, to marry, its like he has created his own pressures and now cant meet them. of course we started talking marriage way, way too soon, but cant change that now, and he knows i am very serious about him and our future. we have never argued about anything apart from his uncertainty and how he pushes me away whenever he feels i am getting too close. whilst he has made some efforts to introduce me to his friends, it has been minimal; he has kept a lot of distance, and constantly agonizes over every decision he ever makes, not just with us, is full of doubts, finds it hard to trust anyone, and can be very controlling, jealous and insecure. he struggles with addiction and is trying to stop, doesn't like himself, and is scared of committing and failing. Guess he has been emotionally-dependent on me for a while, and is also scared of not being able to cope without me, so obviously something had to change before we could reach a healthy, adult decision about what we both want.

since we met we have only been out of contact for three days, and i know this is going to be hurting him a lot more than it will me. i am in a good place in myself and am clear, with myself, that i want to be with this man long-term. i have had more relationships than he has and know i will be fine without him, but i just really really want him, and the terms need to change.

i am certain that he loves me, that he is petrified of making a further commitment, and, as he says, cannot hear what he wants in his own life at the moment. he was abused as a child and still has a very unhealthy relationship with his mother, who doesn't want him to marry me, and since meeting me, he has begun therapy to try and understand himself better. he says he wants to be a better man and to make it work with us, an that he has never been this close to another person, has never been this in love before. as he is very troubled, i believe this to be true. he worries that none else will ever understand him or accept him, and i guess he needs to get to grips with a lot of stuff before he can know what he really wants.

my question is, is he just getting pre-commitment nerves, or is he never going to be able to commit? how long will it take for him to make a decision? i am not impatient and know that cold turkey is the only way he can get to that place with himself, but wonder how long it will take. if he says he wants me back but still cant commit to anything at all, we will stay in the same predicament, so it seems that the future has to be all or nothing. HELP!!!