Argueing

[Alison]

Hey everyone!

I need some advice. Lately me and my boyrfriend seem to fight a lot.. We’ve been going out for almost 6 months now. I guess it’s normal that your relation changes after 6 months. You know, at first you’re both so hopelessly in love, and everything seems perfect. Then slowly this pink cloud seems to disappear. I used to be scared about what would happen when we wouldn’t be so in love any more. But luckily, this ‘in love’ feeling has been replaced by love. We’re really crazy about each other, and he even told me he wants to marry me in a few years..

So far so good, but you know, now that we’re not so much in love any more, we seem to fight much more often. I really love him, but I now seem to notice his bad habits much more. He can be really lazy, sometimes he doesn’t pay any attention to me at all, sometimes he dominates me, and he can be really rude. Also, he looks at other girls a lot and talks about them to me like I’m one of his friends.
You know, I’m rather insecure about myself and I’m really scared of losing him. So whenever he talks about other girls like that, I just feel more scared.

Sometimes I just want to discuss my feelings with him, but he doesn’t seem to understand me and we get into a fight. He says stupid, blunt things and I just get really upset.

So basically, what I’m wondering about: is it normal? Do all couples fight like that, or is there something wrong between us?
I do love him, and I do want to stay with him. I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want to fight with him either.

Love, Alison

[vashti]

This is a normal progression for a BAD relationship. Occassional arguments are normal, but laziness, dominance, rudeness, and the like will get progressively worse. You are just about now beginning to see the real guy, and now is the time to decide if he is a keeper.

[gu_babe]

If you can still love him amidst of all these bad habits he has... then marry him

[The Great OV!!!]

His laziness is none of your business... Being lazy takes years of practice, trust me, I know. If he is being rude and disrespectful to you then you should let him know that it bothers you, then leave this shmuck if he doesn't change...and turn lesbian...make sex home videos...and send them to my adress via UPS.

[Gigabitch]

As a general rule, relationships almost NEVER get better, and certainly not without a substantial amount of work. Get out some graph paper if you have to and plot your decline, then make a projection into the future. Please pass the "marriage" point without changing the downward trajectory of the line, because getting married won't solve a thing.

It doesn't have to be like this, and life is short. Dump him.

[Tiay]

He doesn't sound like a keeper to me. Okay, so when you've been in a relationship for a while, the pink cloud fades a bit and you have to start making compromises and accepting flaws.. but rudeness and dominance? Those are NOT the type of flaws that should ever be accepted.

Some people think that when two people are really in love, they can say whatever they want in a fight. this is not true. "fighting" shouldn't be fighting at all. It should be about listening to the other person's viewpoint and trying to understand it, and to feeling that your viewpoint has been heard. At the end of a good "fight" you should feel you've come closer together because you've demolished a wall that was between you.

edit: here, go read [URL="http://www.aish.com/dating/wisdom/Hooray_for_Fighting!.asp"]this[/URL] to understand what i'm on about.

[Tiay]

well that's how me and my SO fight. and we don't call it a fight, but a discussion. And yes, in the heat of the moment I've found bad words and totally unfair points on the tip of my tongue, and holding them back and taking a time-out instead is the way to go. Afterwards I always realise how unfair, unproductive and stupid those things would've been.
When you know someone so well, you know their vulnerabilities, you know how to hurt them, and they know how to really get to you too. The point is to *protect* them, that, to quote the article, is the calling of real love. And yes, we do come closer together afterwards. Usually when there's a problem, we can both feel it hanging in the air between us, and tackling it from both sides and meeting in the middle is a very good feeling.

some experts really can tell from watching a few minutes of a couple arguing what their chances of a lasting relationship are. Being rude and dominant, and letting loose angry words in a fight- that's seriously a really bad sign. If he has no self-control for that, who knows, maybe later he'll hit you in a fight and then say that he was just too angry in the heat of the moment. If he doesn't have that self-control, you need to get out now.

[anachronistic]

Don't avoid arguing, though. Your feelings could build up over time, and eventually start a fight. I have learned this the hard way.

[Tiay]

good point. That can be an especially big problem when two non-confrontational people get together.

[Alison]

I really don't want to lose him though.. I really do care about him. It's just confusing.. When we argue, we always make up and tell each other how much we love each other and want to be together forever, etc. So after a fight, I always feel there's no problem between us.

For example; yesterday I made a joke on an online message board that we both visit, and he kind of took it the wrong way and got annoyed. We then talked about it and solved it really quickly. Then we texted each other for a while, talking about how great love is and such things.

But this morning I got online and he made some stupid joke about being really happy that I'm his girlfriend, but with some stupid sarcastic smily. I don't get it. We made up last night, so why is he now saying such stupid things? Yesterday he texted me that he was so happy to be with me, he wanted to be with me forever, etc. And now he's suggesting he doesn't want me as his girlfriend? I don't get it!

I texted him to talk about it, but he's already off to work. I hate this, I won't be able to talk to him until tonight, and I know I'll just get more and more upset during the day. I hate fights!

[The Great OV!!!]

Do you people always read into everything like that? Getting upset over a smily? come on.

[Alison]

Maybe you're right.. Distance makes communication complicated - or at least, that's my excuse.

[The Great OV!!!]

Just relax and talk to him about how you feel. I thought that is what a relationship is good for, if anything, it is to at least open up and let everything out...right?

[vashti]

If you made a joke about HIM online, he was probably just trying to save face. You get what you give.

[Junket]

Some couples feed off of conflict.

You fight to spark the fire, once separation hits you feel an intense sense of longing and you make everything "better" by "love yous" "I'm sorries" and "see? we're a healthy couple because we can solve every stupid fight with hugs and kisses!"

It's not just about being to "solve" or tolerate the issue you have. You can have too many fights.

I was trying to get with this one girl who I was constantly at odds with. And not the playful, teasing kind, we were constantly getting on each other's nerves, saying things or doing things that offended the other, and while we would sit down and talk about it, it was happening way to frequently.

I don't know about you, but that's not the kind of relationship I would wanna be stuck with for the rest of my life.